Friday, 25 December 2009
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Need any ideas for last minute gifts? Well thanks to someone who I shall not name because she'll get embarrassed I can present you with the perfect gift . I actually can't believe it's real, it just seems like an item from a sketch show. Not sure how Rachal...um I mean the stranger who pointed it out to me found it. Reading the comments I almost died laughing, I'm not sure if they're being serious or taking the piss. I hope it's the latter.
Now here's something I wrote a few years ago
Our story starts in Nazareth, where upon we find Mary a young women whom is engaged to Joseph , a local carpenter.
Mary sits in the living quarters of their house darning some socks while her fiancé works in town. She is shocked by an extremely bright light appearing in front of her, a voice says " Do not be alarmed Mary I am Gabriel a messenger of god."
Still in shock from what she sees , Mary softly says " Are you that David Blaine? I didn't think much of your Ice tomb or standing on that pole. I read a book about some guy who hung from a cross, that was better. What are you wanting ? "
Gabriel looks slightly insulted, puts his head in his hands before announcing again " I am the ANGEL GABRIEL, Mary I am a messenger of God. "
Mary " What can I do for you Gabriel ? "
Gabriel " ( oh god ) I AM A MESSENGER OF GODDD!!!!! "
Mary " and.....? "
Gabriel " I have a FUCKING message from God for YOU!!!!"
Mary " ......are you trying to tell me something ? "
By this point the normally angelic Gabriel seems rather annoyed with the young woman, " OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! IM NEVER DEALING WITH BLONDES AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD , WHICH YOU SHALL CALL JESUS !!!!!! "
Mary " I dont really like the name Jesus its a bit old fashioned can I call him Brooklyn?"
Gabriel " No his name shall be Jesus "
Mary " What about Romeo?"
Gabriel " No!"
Mary " Stev..."
Gabriel " NO!!!!!" he shouts " The son of gods name will be Jesus "
Mary " Oh im marrying Joseph not God, I cant go around having other mens babies I'd end up on the Jeremy Kyle show, besides I dont no anybody called God , Where does he live? "
Gabriel " God ! You dont know god? He is the almighty creator of life, father of all human beings he resides in the place known as heaven."
The slightly confused Mary looks at Gabriel and answers " But my father is Bernard, Is heaven near Jerusalem? I don't think I've been before is it nice? "
The now crying Gabriel falls to his knees and weeps into a newly darned sock " Why god? Why ? Why me?!!! " he looks quickly at Mary and says as fast as he possible could " You are now pregnant with the son of God you must call him Jesus!!!!!!! Goodbye " and with that Gabriel disappeared as quickly as god had came inside Mary to get her pregnant.
Still confused Mary, speaks only to the empty room " Does he mean I'm to call god , Jesus?"
Later that evening Joseph came home from his extremely intellectually challenging job of being a carpenter.
Joseph " Honey I´m home "
Mary " Hey Joe "
Joseph " So my love what did you do today then ? " He asked whilst sitting down in his lazyboy armchair
Mary " Well I did some darning , fed the donkey, got impregnated by god after being distracted by an angel...oh and I've made your dinner dear, how was work? "
Joseph " It was fine i made...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY..." he looked shocked
Mary " Well you see joe...."
Joseph " MY DINNERS READY??!!! good im starving, I thought I'd have to wait ."
10 mins later
Joseph " That fried battered fish was absolutely delicious my love "
Mary " Yes I thought it may go well with pieces of fried potato "
A few months later Joseph and Mary were married and they were travelling to bethlehem to pay a special tax. Mary was in no condition to walk so she was riding on the back of a donkey, guided by Joseph over the hills of Gallilee.
Mary " Are we there yet ? "
Joseph " Not yet, I can't wait to see girls aloud live in concert "
Mary " Yes about that Joe, I've been meaning to tell you we're not going to see girls aloud, We're going to....."
Joseph " ATOMIC KITTEN!!!!?"
Mary " No Joe we're not going to see any concert, we're going to pay a special tax"
Joseph "Awwww......Whats so special about this tax?"
Mary "Well.....um......you.....you get a free lollipop"
Joseph " WOW YEAH!!!!! I want a strawberry flavour lolly"
Mary " Ok "
Joseph "Hmm maybe a lemon flavoured lolly would be better, I've also enjoyed the taste of licking a lemon. Hmmm I think we should stop here and give the donkey a rest he looks tired "
Donkey " Too god damn right I'm fucking tired I've been carrying this fucking hefty lump on my back for miles, What da hell do I look like man ???!!!! A fucking Camel??!!!"
Joseph " My names Joseph "
Mary " Oh I'm sorry Joseph I didnt think you minded me calling you Joe "
Joseph " I dont mind that at all, my love "
Donkey " Joe you're so fucking bitched whipped "
Mary " Then why did you say your name ?"
Joseph " WHAT!!! Im not bitch whipped "
Mary " WHAT Did you say?"
Donkey " You're in trouble now "
Joseph " I was talking to the donkey my love "
Mary " Oh........? "
Donkey " Shes your love ? Fucking liar if she's your love why´s it me that has da god damn pain in the fucking ASS!!!\´
Joseph punches the donkey.
The donkey kicks Joseph in the stomach, this may go in for a while so lets skip to act 4
After the punch up with the donkey a highly bruised Joseph Guides Mary into bethlehem.
Bethlehem was crowded with a few people paying taxes but many coming to see the girls aloud concert.
Joseph mutters nder his breath " ( Damn ) "
Mary " Did you say something dear ?"
Joseph " No nothing my love "
Joseph and Mary tried several places but the answer was the same everywhere , there was no room . Joseph spied a place the hadn´t tried yet, it was called the way inn. Joseph walked towards what appeared to be the nearest door,
" BANG!!!!!" Joseph walked into a solid wall
Inn keeper " HA HA!!!!"
Donkey " HA HA "
" Your door doesnt work ? " says Joseph whilst nursing his delicate nose
Innkeeper " Ha Ha no cant you see what ive done, I called my hotel the way inn then put an arrow pointed at a fake door, it's sooooooooooooo funny HA HA!!!!"
Joseph " I didnt find it funny, hmmm do you have any rooms?"
I can offer you my barn "
Mary " Yes we´ll take that, thank you "
The innkeeper showed Joseph and Mary the barn they´ll have to share with some animals, for some reason Joseph's eyes lit up at this announcement.
In the hills overlooking Bethlehem a group of shepherds tend to there flock of sheep.
Suddenly out of thin air Gabriel comes to see the shepherds.
Gabriel " Do not be afraid "
Scared Shepherds " ARGH!!!!!!! You're that thing that keeps probing Eric´s bum "
Gabriel " No I am Gabriel "
Shepherd no1 " We dont care what they call you but its sick, Eric has to use so much savlon "
Gabriel " I have not touched Eric "
Shepherd no1 " yeah of course it wasn't you , appearing from nowhere , bright light and floating , what da fuck was it then? aliens???ha ha!"
Gabriel " Well it wasnt me I am the angel Gabriel I am a messenger of god i am here to tell you that he son of God is being born in bethlehem "
Shepherd no2 "Yeah bloodly likely story if ever I've heard one, Of course you are the ' angel' Gabriel , haha "
Gabriel " I am "
Shepherd " Totally believe you "
Gabriel " I AM "
Shepherd No1 " Call the funny farm "
Gabriel "Shut it "
Well we´ll leave them arguing and go to act 6
Meanwhile in Bethlehem...
Mary " ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Jesus " WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Joseph " Where did that thing come from ? "
Elsewhere far away in the east we find 3 wise men studing the stars. Melchior, Balthazar and Samantha. They look into the night sky and see a bright star shining in the distance. They consult there star charts and discover that it means a new ruler has been born and Melchior may indeed win the lottery. They decide to go see King Herod at the palace as they assume thats the best place to check . They travel for a while and eventually reach the palace .
Melchior " Hello King Herod I am Melchior and with my other wise men Balthazar and Samantha we have come to worship your newborn child."
King Herod " What child ? Samantha? "
Samantha "Yes that is MY name "
Melchior explained to king Herod that they had seen it in the stars that a great ruler had been born. The King was intrigued by this and asked the 3 wise men to return when they had found him so he could worship the child too. The wise men left the palace and followed the star in the sky.
ADVERT!!! Dont waste time finding things you want through strange wise men .
Random bloke " I want to find a bakers in the high street ?"
Actor " Well text find high street bakers to 8454545782647654 "
" beep beep msg = bakers in the high street "
Random bloke " Wow thats great "
King Herod " I want to find Jesus the son of God , king of Jews, whipper of the ass "
Actor " Text find Jesus to 5634653636 "
" Beep beep msg = Jesus is located under a fucking shiny star in a barn in bethlehem "
King Herod " Wow thats great "
Going back to our barn in Bethlehem we find a confused Joseph coming to grips with the concept of what the innkeepers joke meant.
Mary " Do you understand now dear? "
Joseph "....so the Irish man was ......"
Jesus " There is no damn Irishman, no Scotsman and no Englishman you fucking walked into a wall "
Joseph "...hmm the Welshman..."
Jesus " NO!!!!!!"
Joseph " Mary where did that baby come from ?"
Mary " Well dear I just gave birth to him "
Joseph " But we havent had sex yet " he looked very puzzled
Jesus " Well I'm the son of god "
Shepherds " Hello everybody "
Everybody " Hello "
Shepherds " We've come to visit the king of the Jews and offer him these simple gifts of sheep "
Joseph " Oh sheep, I'll take those . Well since you've given birth does that mean we can't have sex for another 6 months?"
Mary "Yes "
Joseph " GOD DAMN!!!!"
Not long after the shepherds arrive and because I can't be bothered writing to much the 3 wise men arrive at the stable baring gifts for the new born ruler.
Melchior " I am Melchior and I come baring Gold "
Balthazar " I am Balthazar and I come baring the gift of Frankincense "
Samantha " I am the wise man .....( samantha ) i have come baring the gift of a ps3 with 3 games and an extra control pad "
Mary " What was your name I didn't quite hear it ?"
Samantha " Samantha "
Mary " Sorry "
Samantha " IT'S SAMANTHA "
Mary " I heard you the last time I'm just sorry , ha ha "
Samantha " GRRR........"
Mary " I thought you're suppose to bring the gift of Myrrh "
Samantha " Oh you heard that too , well thats just a rumour!!! ha ha get it rumour = ru-myrrh , ha ha I can make jokes too, you fat bitch "
Donkey " Damn that hurts "
Joseph "Just shut up, you enjoy it really "
The 3 wise men all had the same strange dream that king Herod did not really want to worship baby Jesus but in fact King Herod was secretly Michael Jackson and wanted to take Jesus to neverland , the 3 wise men told Mary and Joseph to take Jesus to the safty of Egypt
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
" IT'S ICY I CAN SEE IT'S ICY THE PAVEMENT IS SHINY!!! YOU WANT ME TO FALL. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO FALL FROM THIS HEIGHT?!!! IF I FALL AND DIE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT ICY? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO THINK!!! IT'S CALLED BLACK ICY. IT'S STEALTHY. AS SOON AS I GO OUTSIDE IT'LL APPEAR THEN WHAM... DEAD"
Since it was my last session and I'm a nice person I got a tin a chocolates for the dude who runs the course and a card to say thank you. I didn't know what to write on the card especially since I couldn't remember his name which really isn't the greatest of starts. Then I started over thinking the gift. Is it rather gay?
At the end of the session I went to give him the tin and basically said these are for you to say thanks. Since he's really short I almost smashed him in the face but it's the thought that counts.
It's nice to be nice. If everyone was a bit nicer then the world would be a better place. Although this would lessen my chances of becoming a ninja.
There's quite a lot of young people out sledging which seems rather daft to me since it's not snow they're sledging on, it's basically ice. I suppose you go faster but when the hill goes onto a main road is that what you actually want?
Pointless fact, I keep singing Rod Stewart songs in my head.
I think there's a high number of teenage pregnancies around here because when you have a baby you have a pram and that gives you an extra 4 points of contact with the ground making you more stable on ice. Sounds like a good theory to me. You're have to plan 9 months in advance though and that's if everything goes to plan.
Sunday, 20 December 2009
Now I wasn't a massive fan but it's just strange to hear someone die of cardiac arrest at only 32. I remember her mostly from the film Clueless which I seen growing up.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
FALKIRK WON AGAIN
Falkirk are now only a point a drift at the bottom of the table.
Woooooooooooooooooooooo we're gonna win the league.
Elsewhere in sport Rugby news .
The former Welsh rugby captain, Gareth Thomas has come out as gay. I've always wondered what percentage of footballers are gay since with 22 players on the pitch at any one time, not all can be straight. For a rugby player to come out it's quite a big deal considering how tough a sport it is.
Friday, 18 December 2009
......I have no fucking idea.
Apparently as children we're taught to always be modest and not to praise ourselves for achievements. So teachers and parents are to blame for everything.
So if this is true how are you meant to act when you win something? Are you supposed to jump up and down and rub the losers face in it?
It just doesn't seem right. I guess you're meant to do it into your head and not aloud but isn't that just being fake in front of others?
I know I over think things but it's what I do. My brain is analytical. I'm a thinking person not a doing person. I think about getting up but instead I go back to sleep. Although when I do sleep I have some seriously fucked up nightmares.
Thinking just causes stress and stress sucks.
I almost forgot, since I've been away
Falkirk have had a draw with Celtic, drew with St Mirren last week and beat Hamilton 2-0 a few weeks ago. So thinking positive, Falkirk WILL win the league.
Falkirk FC website how scary is that kid on the front page?
Wednesday, 16 December 2009
I have no idea what the answer is but maybe I should start drinking and snorting sherbet.
I have recently discovered thanks to CBT that the way we question things in our mind effects us overall.
There's things called PIG beliefs and SET beliefs.
Good things should be reinforced with PIG beliefs and bad things should be SET beliefs but with depression it's usually the other way round.
So how do you go about changing your thought process?
Again I have no idea but it's what I'm currently working on.
It just doesn't seem natural to be Scottish and happy.
Jesus died for our sins and if you only remember Jesus for one reason, remember this, never get nailed to a cross when you have an itchy nose. It's torture.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Question is why did I delete it in the first place?
Well it's simple really, was feeling low at some point and was made to feel even lower by some other blogger. I was just being helpful and point out some things that were wrong about her blog. She didn't seem to appreciate that and also didn't comprehend the fact that she doesn't know everyone on the interent.
She said that Scottish people sound like drunk pirates, Damn bitch needs a good slap and deported out of my country back to America. I hate to call people stupid but when you believe standing on the shore of Loch Lomond is the coast then you are stupid.
So enough of the anger, although anger is what I'm good at.
So what have I been doing for the past two months?
Well to be perfectly honest nothing much. Still looking for a job which is not going well. In fact it's going awful. I haven't recieved any replies back in yonks.
I've been taking half inderal along with fluoxetine, I haven't noticed any difference with it but have noticed a different without it.
I've also been going to this CBT at the hospital. CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy although after my doctor told me to look it up if I have any questions I became rather scared. Apparently CBT is also something else, hopefully not done on the NHS though.
I've been going there for 6 weeks so far and will be there again tomorrow. It only lasts for 8weeks so will be over by Christmas. I basically sit in a room alone for 45 minutes talking to a laptop. Seriously. I'm not sure if you've ever heard a laptop say " Oh that's a shame" before but it sounds rather sarcastic. So I get mocked by a computer programme and that's meant to help me.
Seriously though I think it does help a bit, gives you tasks to do and questions to ask yourself when you feel anxious to try to break the thought process.
The guy who runs it is rather nice, very very short though.
It asks you if you've been feeling suicidal and on a scale of 0-8 rate how much you planned to go through with it. I answered yes once in the 6 weeks so far, when I got home, the doctor phoned me and discussed it. I don't like being any trouble so I doubt that'd make me want to be honest again. In future I'll just answer no whilst I try to cut my wrists with the F5 button.
Elsewhere in life it was the sports personality of the year awards last night. Can't believe Fabio won coach of the year for doing fuck all. Team of the year was the England cricket team, now they're just taking the piss.
Just eleven days till Christmas, done none of my shopping yet. Have no idea what I'm getting anyone. Writing a card for my friend in England but no idea what to write, everything seems so gay when you're trying to write to another male. Going back to the CBT, I'm pondering over the fact do I need to get a gift for the dude who works the thing? Just seems gay but then again he's been rather helpful. I hate being present when giving gifts to people, why can't I just get some chloroform and knock them out, leave the gift then run away. If it wasn't for the police investigation into possible rape afterwards that'd be the easiest way to do anything.
I wish I had thought of that while giving oral presentations at university, I could of just knocked them room out and pretended my talk was awesome.
If I had been good at debating I could of just chloroformed myself and still convinced them my talk was awesome but then if I was good at debating I would be able to give a good talk in the first place and not require chloroform at all. No fun in that though.
Monday, 12 October 2009
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Saturday, 10 October 2009
Watched the Scotland match earlier. They went all the way to Japan to play a friendly and didn't even have a shot on goal. It ended
Scotland played well in defence but didn't seem like any threat to Japan.
Friday, 9 October 2009
OK going back to what I was discussing yesterday, employment and my future. I have no idea what I want to be or do.
- All I really know is science
- I'm awful with people
- I wouldn't mind joining the police but I don't think I'd pass the fitness tests to get in and I'd really enjoy giving out some police brutality
- I hate ice
- I have a problem with doors
- I'm polite
- I like being outside unless there's ice
- I like being inside if there's ice
- I like working in labs
- I'm accurate
- I'm a good problem solver
- I like to sleep
- I enjoy afternoon naps
- I like to write but my knowledge of the English language is limited and my grammar is poor
- I'm a good cook but don't really like a lot of food, mainly veg unless it's raw carrots or peppers and I don't think I could handle the cooking environment
- I'm intelligent
- I have a decent sense of humour
- I like to play computer games
- I have a good imagination
- The idea of teaching is good, I especially like the fact you have shorter days and long summer holidays however I'm not too keen on kids, I'm too attractive to be a high school teacher and too scary to be a primary school teacher. Plus in modern day society you're not allowed to beat them with chairs
- I don't like warm weather
I'm thinking a Ninja who works in Sweden.
Thursday, 8 October 2009
Few months later I got my results and to my surprise I got an interview for a position at a university for architecture. I wasn't exactly delighted by this since I didn't want to do it and my joy decreased even further when I read that I had to bring an art portfolio. I'm actually not that bad at art as long as it's to do with nature, so I got to work creating a portfolio to show the architecture dude at the university. I soon realised that I can't just take nature pictures so I diversified into drawing pictures of the grim reaper, don't ask me why, it seemed perfectly sensible at the time.
During the interview at Dundee university I was asked questions like who's my favourite architect, what type of work do I like etc etc. From my lame answers and my portfolio I think it was clear to the dude that I wasn't architect material. Hell I didn't want to spend seven years of my life at university.
So I looked at my options, I had got into two university for marine biology and I picked the closest one. University was scary. Being shy I didn't enjoy it very at all and not being a drinker made it even worse. Since I was a fairly good student at school I kept that up at university and went to every lecture, tutorial and lab class I was expected for. My timetable was OK except for one day where I had lectures at 9am, 10am then one at 5pm. Since I travelled from home I didn't have much to do for six hours so at first I went and walked around for a few hours, into town and back sometimes twice. Eventually I began to detest having to wait around for that length of time and I took the bold step to not bother going to the 5pm lecture. I was a rebel!! To my surprise nothing was mentioned so for the rest of the term I didn't go to another 5pm lecture. In my defence the lecture was on environmental science and it was all about rocks.
It was at that point I realised I hated environmental science. Marine biology was not what I had thought it was. However I was enjoying the chemistry and biology units I was doing at the time. Unfortunately I enjoyed chemistry too much and that wasn't needed, even worse was to come when the university decided to close down it's chemistry department. After two and a half years I was buggered, I didn't have the right amounts of units done in certain requirements and I hadn't performed as well as I should of. I then was asked to explain to the vice dean of natural science why I hadn't done that well. I wrote a completely honest emotionally draining letter but they didn't believe it. Few weeks later I received a letter stating that I wouldn't be completing my course. I was devastated. I really was, education was all I knew. I had no idea what else I could do with my life.
For 6 months I dwelled and dwelled on it. I pondered joining the RAF but my father said that would be stupid. I was 21 and I was lost.
Eventually I applied to university again, this time to do Biochemistry. I got accepted into Queens university Belfast and to the University of Glasgow and since Glasgow is closer I went there. It's a very good university a lot different from my first one. Travelling to Glasgow daily wasn't much fun but I didn't want to fail again. I attended lectures, tutorials and labs. I had to do units on biology and chemistry and I picked exploring the cosmos for my third unit. I was told to do so by a friend who said it was an easy course. It was, first day we learnt the planets. It was quite an interesting course and I was surprised how much I did enjoy learning about each planet. At the start the class started out as over 200, as the weeks went by the class size dwindled lower and lower. I didn't mind that since I'm not a people person and in the end I had a few back rows of the lecture theatre all to myself, finally I could nap.
In my second term I started to skip some of the lectures on exploring the cosmos. Thoughtfully the lecturers left notes out at the front of the class room and there was a door at the back so you could pick up the notes then leave. I didn't skip the lectures due to being bored, sadly I skipped them because I had another lecture directly after it that was right over the other side of campus up a tower. This may sound fine but if I get somewhere late I won't go in because I don't like the thought of everyone staring at me and since this lecture was more important I skipped the other to be there early.
After my first year of my new university I worked over the summer as a landscape gardener. Wasn't very keen on it but it was money and I did like gardens. During this time I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and see about my "unhappiness" (I never called it depression since I didn't think I was worthy of calling it depression). He referred me to counselling which took a few months to get into but also at the same time he booked me in to be tested for Marfans syndrome. He only did that because I'm tall. Luckily after lots of x-rays, tests and ECGs and even having to wear some heart thingy for 24hours they discovered I didn't have Marfans syndrome but hey they did find a hole/leak in my heart. Soon after this whilst working I experience my first anxiety attack, I had never had one before and I couldn't breathe, I was sure it was a heart attack. My boss called an ambulance which was probably a bit of an over reaction and after a short while they got me to calm down.
I was glad to start my second year at university but soon I had another anxiety attack and that made me very paranoid. I didn't want anyone to see me in that state. It got worse and worse. I had difficulty breathing and staying calm in lectures, exams were even worse. I couldn't stand being in a room full of people, it was so quiet and I could hear my heart thumping harder and harder. Every exam was the same, each one I tried to do I had to leave. I managed to pass the year on good laboratory and essay marks.
Getting into third year was a relief, labs lasted longer and that's where I felt at home. Unfortunately we had more tutorials, involving presentations and the exams were now longer. I tried and failed to stay calm and buggered up the year, not getting into honours or even doing enough to graduate. That was last year now I'm lost again.
I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I just know I want to do something.
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
The best thing about this time of day is the ability to think, I find I think much clearer. It's usually the time when I used to do my laboratory write ups on the day they were to be in for. I don't really like pressure but I'm awful at making decisions, it's not just me my sister is the exact same. Even if we probably prefer something over something else we will still just say "I don't know" or "I don't mind". I think it's due to my father not giving us choices when we were growing up. We did what he wanted to do so now as adults, choices confuse us.
Along with the middle of the night I also find that the bathroom is a great place to think, it's where I go to read or play Sudoku. Again I'm not the only one in my family who does this my sister has a Sudoku book in her bathroom too. Why should the bathroom only be used for disposing of bodily functions or washing. It's a room, it's quite a peaceful room, yes it has a toilet but surely that's an added bonus.
As usual my father went to the shops to get cheap food, he came back with a couple of value chickens. They're the really cheap ones that I'm sure are the unhappy chickens. I guess most chickens are unhappy once they find out they're going to die and get eaten but when you're hopping around a field it seems less of a depressing end. Anyways he had to cook it before it went out of date the next day so he boiled it, it smelled foul (pardon the pun). I hate boiled chicken it has no flavour which makes you add a tonne of salt just to taste something. Even Douglas the cat turned his nose up at it when I offered him a piece and only minutes before hand he had had a mouse stuffed in his mouth. Douglas is great at catching mice but is awful at giving them up. I chased him throughout the house trying to grab him while this little creatures back legs flapped up and down as he bounced along with the occasional hiss and grr to say "this is MY mouse". Eventually I got him cornered and squeezed his mouth open then threw the mouse out the window, I wasn't sure where to put it so out the window seemed like a good idea. My father loathes mice, he's the stereotypical 1950s woman who leaps onto a chair if she sees one. I asked for his help in catching the cat which I knew was a waste of time, after I caught the cat and disposed of the mouse I sarcastically said "thanks for the help". I should sneak out of the house, find the mouse and attach it to the door handle of his car, that would be hilarious.
Before I forget I was talking about beds last Thursday and said I'd continue the next day which seems to of turned into almost a week. I've probably forgotten now.
It's Autumn (Fall to the Americans) now and won't be long till Winter, there's nothing better than waking up in a nice snug warm bed and knowing you don't have to get up. The only problem is I need to get a job, I suppose I could get a job in a bed shop. There's some nice ones in Glasgow like. I wonder if people would notice you sleeping in the beds as they did their shopping. It'd be great if they didn't, you could stay up all night playing computer games, go to work get into a bed, sleep till your shift is done then go home AND get paid at the end of the week/month.
I'll be staying on the bed subject but in order to link it I'll first say, whilst travelling around the blogosphere I came across this blog. At first I thought it was like one of those things where people discuss their insecurities which some of it is but most of it seems to be sex related. Now according to tv and films, mens favourite fantasy is being with two females at the same time. Now I can't be the first person to notice a major problem with this. If there's only one boat and two ports and the boat only sails once a day then there's going to be only one lot of passengers. Maybe the passengers booked their trip as a cruise or maybe as a mystery tour, some would have got tickets to go to port A and others would of wanted to see port B. That means only the passengers who wanted to visit port A will be happy, the rest of the passengers will be stuck at port A and whilst the people who booked the cruise or the mystery tour will be happy to look around the town at port A for a while the people who wanted to go straight to port B will be disgruntled. As we all know there's an economic crisis on at the moment so every shop needs some regular business to stay afloat. However if only the town at port A gets visited by the boat passengers then the town at port B will suffer, the tourist industry would decline and more than likely will result in job losses. This in turn will probably lead to migration and perhaps the people in the town at port B will move over to the town at port A and increase the population there.
If the people in the town at port B stay at the town at port A then this directly affects the number of passengers who'll board the boat, with only one port to visit you can't offer a mystery tour or a cruise and the people who want to go to port B will have to find alternative travel. With the number of passengers lowered the number of weekly trips to port B may become fewer in order to cut costs, if the number of passengers continued to decrease then the boat may go into disrepair and the captain may be forced to close down all sailing.
Maybe I'm naive or perhaps I'm just lazy but I don't see the point in cheating on your partner. You have to spend time cheating, then you have to spend time thinking up excuses when you could spend that time having a nap. Also with cheating you have to share the duvet again when you can do that with your wife. Americans have it great they get pay by the hour motels for cheats and hookers (not the rugby players) , that would be awesome while your wife is at home you can go to a motel and have 4 hours with a duvet to yourself. Only problem would be explaining it to your wife when it appears on your credit card bill every Thursday.
If you're worried about your partner cheating just introduce them to World of Warcraft then they'll not bother with anyone.
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
I know that mental health is a subject nobody likes to talk about, it's personal and people who don't understand it don't know why you can't just snap out of it. They tell you " just be happy " , " there's people worse off than you " or "stop looking for attention". I can't explain it, I don't know why I feel so paranoid and down, I don't know why I sit contemplating hanging myself. I do know I want to feel better. I want my life to be better. I want to do something with myself. I don't want to be me anymore.
What is it that stops me from being happy? I don't know. I really just don't know.
Does religion help? I've always thought I don't deserve to be happy, it's not like I've done anything bad but I haven't done anything good.
Sunday, 4 October 2009
So if you work how the hell do you manage to get out of bed in the morning? Last time I worked was a landscape gardener from 7am - 7pm and I got home so exhausted I basically showered then slept till morning.
Saturday, 3 October 2009
Haven't scored in the past five matches and we've only scored three goals in the league so far. Not good enough really. We now sit bottom of the table again thanks to St. Johnstones win against Hamilton. Next match is after the international break against St. Mirren, a team we should hopefully beat but I'm not confident.
Now to a lighter matter,
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Although seriously I wish I had something to do properly, I miss doing constructive things, I miss learning. Since leaving university I think I've read the books more than I did when I was meant too. Rather than sit and play computer games which is what I did at university I've started reading more, nothing particularly great, other blogs, science books and of course Punisher comics.
Yesterday I got a reply from the speculative letters I had been forced to write, it's amazing I get replies from them but not proper jobs. Sadly both of them were to say that they don't accept speculative letters and one even sent back the letter and my CV, which was depressing. They could of put it in the bin, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't find out unless I got a job as a refuge disposal worker and you probably need experience for that. Which I don't have. I can't even figure out which items of rubbish go in which bin? Why do we need 3? Why can't banana skins go in the brown one?
Also yesterday I was watching the Champions League match between Manchester United and Wolfsburg which ended 2-1 to Manchester United if you didn't know. That's not the relevant factor though, I decided to change my bed which is a confusing deal for me just like the bins. How often are you meant to change your bed? I only dribble on the pillows and I try to souk up any Irn Bru spills as best as I can so does it really need changed that much? Anyway changing the bed sheet is fine, changing the pillows is fine but changing the duvet cover is bloody hard. It never goes in the corners when you want it too and if you do manage to get it in the corners when you pull yourself out of the duvet cover before you suffocate you normally pull the duvet with you. I'm pretty sure this is the best reason to get married. Although weighing up the options of having the bed made for you and having to share the duvet is a close call.
The good news is I did finally manage to get the duvet cover on the duvet. I had changed from my summer, lighter duvet to my wintry warmer duvet. Bad decision. Now my bed is faaaaaaar too snugly to get out of. I've never woke up with a flock of geese on me before but I imagine it'd be like that minus the bird poo and loud squabbling. I suppose you could sleep under a pile of dead geese but I think the body warmth of the geese probably helps. The dead goose smell is probably worse than the poo smell too so I think sleeping under live geese is what you should aim for.
Speaking of poo, I hate finding the perfect spot in bed then realising you need to use the toilet. I suppose you could just go there and for a while it'll be warmer which is nice but then the urine would start to evaporate and you'd get colder and you have to deal with that smell. The smell would mean you have to change the bed more often like when you're a kid and it just seems like more hassle that it's worth.
Like all good inventors I've come up with a couple of designs for beds that allow urination so you don't lose your comfy spot. In both diagrams there is no duvet this is because I forgot. In design one I have gone for a gutter system similar to that of common urinals. The gutter needs to be at a slight angle so that the urine flows into the bucket for collection in the morning by your loving wife. You can add urinal cakes to the gutter so that the smell isn't as bad. The only downside is you have a gutter in the middle of your bed so might not be as comfortable as you'd like. You may also have to regulate the pressure of the urination to stop splash back.
Design two is for posher people who don't want a bucket sitting at the side of their bed for people to see. So here we have like a well in the middle of the bed which would be like a funnel with the bucket directly underneath. For women a spout could be placed instead of a funnel but could prove dangerous.
I'll leave it there for today in order for people to discuss my bed idea, tomorrow I'll go onto part two.
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
PARACHUTING TEDDY BEARS!!! oh wait nothing new to say about them.
Yesterday I was sitting peacefully playing World of Warcraft when my father came home from his Tuesday night food shopping. He goes on a Tuesday so he can but a lot of the cheap use by today crap. He came home with some chicken breasts, steak rump and other crap and then expected me to start cooking it all so it doesn't go off. It was already 8pm by the time he had got in and I personally hadn't eaten anything yet. Since I'm the best cook in the house and I am, I get lumped with all the cooking. I wouldn't mind if it was food that I liked to eat but it's whatever he finds cheap. After 45minutes I had on a vegetable curry, chicken curry and a beef stew. During which he comes in and starts making himself a baked potato (in a broken microwave, he's trying to kill us all) doesn't bother to make anyone else anything even though I'm slaving away cooking all this crap. What's the point in buying 15 doughnuts when it says eat on day of purchase and there's only 3 people, yes they're only 1p for 5 but who the hell is going to eat 15 doughnuts in 3 hours?
Before going shopping he noticed the rolls my mother had brought in and even said to me " I assume your mother has been home since these weren't here this morning" 2 hours later after coming back from the shops, he pulls out 2 bags of cheap rolls and says he didn't know there were any in the house. So now I have to eat 15 doughnuts and 20 odd bread rolls in 3 hours or they all go stale. What's wrong with buying food that at least lasts a day?
Before going with my mother today, Dougie thought it'd be hilarious to make us chase him around the front garden.
Today I had to go with my mother to some person to pick stuff up, I'm not sure why I needed to go apparently the woman is a bit of a bitch and there was meant to be some heavy lifting. There was no heavy lifting, all the boxes were light, I know old people are frail but that was a joke. The woman was one of the not posh people but wants to give the impression of being posh so she looks superior people, which was fun. I rarely talk in these type of occasions so when standing towering above people I just look like a bouncer, which is fun. We managed to get lost on the way there and the way out, you'd think we'd of learnt our lesson the first time round but nope we didn't. It was in a place called Dollar which is along the foot of the Ochill hills were I was on Saturday.
On the way home we stopped by the best chip shop in the world Corrieri's, I got a sausage supper, freshly made. It was awesome. Want more now. I used to get it everyday for my lunch except Tuesdays when it was shut when I went to Stirling University. Wish I could go back just for that.
Just rambling on.
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Anyways I did this quiz that was supposed to give the sex of your brain. Part one was about looking at angles and matching the angle shown to the one on the diagram, I found this rather easy and apparently men do find it easier than women.
The second part of the test was spot the difference, you had memorise a set of objects for one minute then after that minute they switched around. The average score for men is 39% and the average score for women is 46%, that shocked me, I got in the 80% range, I didn't think it was that hard. Apparently women do better at men in this part so that balances out my male brain from part one.
Then it asked about clasping your hands together and seeing which thumb is on top. My left thumb was on top so apparently the right side of my brain is dominant. It says " you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes. " I don't think so.
Part three asked a few questions, for empathising and systemising. Average for men is 7.9 / 20 and average for women is 10.6 / 20......I got 7 / 20 oh dear. It states
" Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising. "
Thankfully I'm not in a caring job then if this test is anything to go by.
The systemising section of this part states
" Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising. "
I achieved a score higher than average for men and greatly higher than that of women. I feel it's quite correct since I am rather good with equations and numbers. With that I think I should be clearly male brained by now.
The next part of this asked you to look at a series of eyes and pick an emotion that the eyes seem to tell. The average for both men and women was 6.6/10 and my score was 7/10 so about average. However it states
" Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category."
So that completely contradicts what the first part says.
Part four was to do with the length of your ring and index fingers. Average for men was 0.982 and for women was 0.991. My results came to
Right hand 0.91
Left hand 0.96
Slightly worrying that one of my fingers is so different in length, I assumed they'd all be the same.
"It's thought that your ratio is governed by the amount of testosterone you were exposed to in your mother's womb. The ratio of the length of your index finger to the length of your ring finger is set for life by as early as three months after conception. Even during puberty, when we experience intensive hormonal changes, the ratio stays the same.
Men generally have a ring finger that is longer than their index finger, which gives them a lower ratio than women, whose ring and index fingers are usually of equal length."
So I must be like super manly by now.
Part five was looking at faces, thank god it wasn't faeces. It showed 21 different pairs of faces and you had to rate them according to which you preferred. My results showed I prefer more feminine faces but I'm pretty sure I knew that anyway. It does state something strange though that I didn't know,"Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely."
Part six asked you to mentally rotate 3D shapes and select the correct one(s) from four. I found this not too hard since I actually did something very similar in a job test recently. Again men are said to get more correct.
It then asked you to write as many words as you can think of associated with grey and then happy. Women do slightly better than men in this test but they don't actually correct the words so you could write horse down 25 times to make yourself look smart.
Weirdly the average score for men was 11.4 words and for women was 12.4.
However it states,
"If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.
If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain."
So that means basically nobody has a male brain for that task
Lastly it gives you an ultimatum, you are given £50 to split with someone, what would you demand? I said £25 since that's basically fair. The test says men are more likely to want a bigger percentage of the money than women due to higher testosterone levels tend to make people risk more.
After all that I found out apparently I have a female brain, not sure how but that's what it said. However then it states
So basically I just wasted my time to find out nothing.
OK well that's taken up a fair amount of room, I was originally planning on writing about something else but I'll leave that for tomorrow now, as long as I remember.
Oh and doing a spellchecker on this wasn't a good idea, too many things are wrong according to American English.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Stand up, salute them all and for once be proud to be beartish. Don't let their achievements go unnoticed.
Well this is a picture of the target the parachuting bears had to aim for. The flag is the emblem of the Seagull Trust.
A brave little bear dressed in his leathers. Not sure if it's leathers for flying or just for kinky bearness.
Not sure people realised that parachutes aren't shopping bags from Tesco. I think the government might of entered this bear to see if they could apply some more military budget cuts.
A scary looking man who I guess was the chief thrower offer.
Either getting ready to throw another bear or eat it.
Seems the answer was throw it although I can't really count the limbs from that image.
Another bear supporting the Tesco bag parachute coming to a war zone near you soon. Don't think supporting is the word I'm looking for but I don't attend many fashion shows to remember the term for wearing an item of clothing.
Looks like the bear was scared, look out below. Was it the height that scared him? The prospect of jumping off an aqueduct or the menacing looking man who looks suspiciously like Adrian Chiles?
I doubt that's going to end well.
What a good parachute, the bear is smiling and even has time to wave at the crowds below. We salute you.
Ground control to Major furry.....come in major furry.
A good looking parachute but seems like this bear was so scared of heights he's wearing a blindfold. Of course he may of been part of the kinky bears regiment.
Such a perfectionist, he's even looking for his landing spot.
Looks like there's not much air in that parachute. I predict a heavy landing.
Carnage on the bearttled field.
The injured participants being stretchered off to the first aid tent. Heroes everyone of them.
Opinions on these events bear faced cruelty or a teddy bears pic-nic?
I have the sad news to report that two of the bears died overnight in hospital from injuries received whilst landing.
R.I.P Mr Biggles. Your leather chaps with the posterior cut away were a joy for us all to see. He died from overexposure.
R.I.P Mr Mascarapanda. He died from being hung by a passing Asda bag, if only it was a Tesco bag he'd of been fine but no it had to be Asda. Sadly he was disqualified from the competition after one of the other competitors noticed that he was a panda and not a teddy bear. All he wanted was to be accepted. What makes some of us pandas and other teddy bears? Why can't we all get along?
Disclaimer : Please note that no teddy bears were actually harmed in this event and if they were I don't actually know. I do not believe Asda shopping bags are any more of a danger than Tesco shopping bags and I in no way support using Tesco shopping bags when jumping off of high buildings to parachute to the ground rather than that of the Asda brand. I do however believe that neither will allow you a safe fall from distance. I can however say that I do not know that for a fact and you may or may not be safer with a shopping bag when jumping out of a plane. I do believe there has been no official research on the matter and I firmly believe using a proper tested parachute is safer.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Picture shamelessly taken from Wikipedia. It's a picture of the Falkirk wheel, an expensive boat lift joining the Union Canal and the Forth and Clyde Canal together. Built to commemorate the millennium it'll soon be joined in the area by the Helix project which will have two large kelpie heads that will move to displace water, hilarious for anyone with a fear of horses.
When people talk about the Falkirk wheel they always praise it's iconic structure, how it's the only one of it's kind in the world and so on but I'm curious to know what people who aren't from this area or country think of a big boat wheel. So leave your comments.
Today at the Falkirk wheel was some strange event involving parachuting teddy bears, I'm being serious, here's the link. I wasn't personally at the event but my sister and her husband were. Luckily I have the good news of reporting (thanks to a text from my sisters husband) that there were no decapitations or serious injuries to teddy bears during their jumping, just pride and admiration.
Congratulations to all the brave teddy bears who took part, you're an inspiration to us all. I shall now dedicate this blog entry to those teddy bears fighting overseas who keep us safe from food poisoning, ants and rabbit violence at pic nics.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
OK so today features some pictures, as per normal they're just taken with my phone so they're not going to be the greatest pictures in the world. My sister, her husband and I went for a walk up Alva glen. Alva is a small town/Village located along the foothills of the Ochil Hills, not too far away from Stirling.
After wonder if it was going to rain most of the morning it turned out to be a rather nice day and to my horror a rather warm day. Warm to me of course is probably not warm to most other people. The pictures are in order of when I took them starting from the bottom and walking up the hill. I have more pictures but some are pretty much the same and others are not very good which is the cameras fault for not being able to shake at the same frequency as my hand.
Over in the distance somewhere is Falkirk, Grangemouth and other places.
This is a tree. I believe it's name was William but I wasn't formally introduced.
This is a wee river which flows down where we came up. We mocked it by going uphill, take that gravity. Was a nice wee walk would of been better if I didn't have a cold which reduced my breathing capabilities making me sound like a wheezing old man. Add that to the fact I didn't wear the appropriate attire, I had pondered for a while in the morning which trousers to wear, I choose the bad option it seems, picking my baggy jeans that like to come down my posterior while I'm walking. This is why I usually walk with my hands in my pockets. Yes I could wear a belt but do I really want to? This made the walking harder than it had to be when we reached rocky ground, having to hold your jeans up whilst climbing up or down a small rocky area is not ideal. Thankfully I took off my baggy hooded jumper and left it in the car before we started otherwise I think it'd ended up being drenched in sweat. I did however remember to bring my walking boots which always helps. I think naked hill walking makes sense until you factor in nettles, thistles, gorse bushes, hungry birds and the police.
Ideally once you reach the top you should be able to just roll down the hill like when you were a kid, however I think vertical drops and rocks make this an option for more experienced rolly down the hillers. Which I am not, I haven't rolled down a hill in many the year. I wonder if that's why some girls have bigger busts than others? Like suspension on a mountain bike, air bags in a car or bouncy castles in a prison.
As I mentioned yesterday, it was my last day on my course. The lady in charge asked me to do some typing for her which I was more than happy to do since it makes the time go by faster and helps. I can't believe how many errors were in the notes I had to type, they weren't written by her, these were official published aides to help people like her. I forgot to tell her about the changes I made to correct spelling, correct types of words and correct poor grammar. I'm wondering if I should email to explain things I changed and things I noted that should be changed but I don't want to look like some creepy stalker.
Whilst I was up a hill today Falkirk were playing against Kilmarnock in the SPL. It ended
Despite only drawing, Falkirk now move off the bottom of the SPL on goal difference thanks to St. Johnstones loss to Dundee Utd. It's still going to be a long season. Six matches played, thirty two to go, so far three draws and three losses.
So last night whilst at my sisters I was playing Need for Speed Shift on the XBox360. It's a driving game and unlike most driving games you get points for either being precise whilst driving or aggressive. Being precise involves, overtaking other cars without contact, keeping to the racing line and other things I didn't really pay attention too. However aggressive driving gives you points for hitting other cars, spinning them and drafting. Needless to say I used aggressive tactics, ramming people of the road, spinning them off and using them as brakes to go round sharp corners.
After some gaming we watched a couple films. One of which was Crank 2 . I haven't seen Crank but the sequel was hilarious. I've no idea how it didn't win an oscar, how can you not enjoy something that involves a man having to run himself against an old lady to keep himself alive with friction.
Going back to games, I've been playing World of Warcraft since it was released and had been enjoying it until the latest expansion. Now Aion has been released and my friend from World of Warcraft started playing it yesterday, he says it's good but I'm a little uncovinced so far. The graphics look great but the characters look rather like feminine humans and I prefer my characters to look more like fantasy characters should be. I think I'll try it soon though just to see what it's like.
Thursday, 24 September 2009
After I got home from my clearly exhausting day I fell asleep for a few hours. God I'll miss afternoon naps when / if I get a job. What's better afternoon naps or money and self respect? It's a toughy. In my defence I had a horrible night trying to sleep, everytime I put my head down I started coughing. Today I've been coughing a lot again but now I'm coughing up a lot of those little green chewy bits of phlegm.
Thanks to my afternoon nap wiping out the time I had set aside for lunch it means all I've had to eat so far today is a couple of Trebor Softmints. I'll balance this out with dinner soon consisting of a plate of chips and a whole chicken. Why can't vegetables taste like duck? I'd be healthy then.
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
I didn't think we'd win but I was hoping maybe we'd give them a decent match. I hope they win soon.
Sooooooo I was at the doctors again this morning, started to get anxious before going in, I always start to panic in the little consulting room once the door is shut. I start to feel nauseous and worry I'll be sick and it'd be so embarrassing, despite the fact I have been sick at the doctors before and blocked up his sink. That was a lovely afternoon.
My mother decided my nerves were fine and chose not to see an oncoming car and pulled out in front of it. I'm not a good passenger, I have an invisible brake I stamp my foot on.
After calming down and lunch I went to Stirling to the royal infirmary to have my heart checked, it has a leak in it or a hole or something along those lines. I try not to listen cause it'll just make me paranoid, not sure why they keep thinking my star sign is cancer, I wish they'd stop writing it on my files. Anyways, I went in, got to sit around for 30minutes cause the doctor was running late. YAY for me, I get 30 minutes to work my anxiety up further woooooooooooooo. Once I finally went in I was greeted by some strange doctor and some other guy who'd be sitting in, I think he said he was some sort of nurse type dude but whatever he was he was kinda creepy. My writing is awful but this doctors handwriting was just scribbles with a fancy pen. All he did was ask me questions then say mmmh huh. Following that I went to get an ECG with some very very short old lady. I didn't exactly like being taken into a dark room and being ordered to strip to the waist, it got worse when she pulled the lube out of the cupboard. Laying half naked on a bench while some old lady attaches pads to your chest then orders you to roll onto your side so she can put her arm over you and rub the probe over your chest is not my idea of fun afternoon.
It got worse when whilst she slowly moved the probe around she softly asked " Is this your first time?" I hope thats not how all ECGs are.
The nightmares will come later, they will come. They always do.
Sunday, 20 September 2009
I just watched the highlights of Manchester Utd V Manchester City, great match to watch and awesome to see a Scotsman scoring goals in a world class side.
It's quite depressing coming home, compared to my sisters it just feels darker here and dreary. It just makes you feel more depressed. It's at least twice the size of my sister house though but her house feels more like a home rather than a day care centre. Oh god I'm going to miss having that shower.
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Whilst in the rainy phase of the day I went to the shops to get some more food to hopefully last me until my sister and her husband are back from their holiday. Cost me another £27 odd but about £8 of it was on some chicken breasts which will do for two nights dinner. Bought some spring onions and peppers too. I'm not a big fan of vegetables but I normally use a couple of spring onions and 3 colours of peppers when I'm making stir fries With a sauce added to them the chicken and the noodles you can't pick out the vegetables and together it tastes rather nice.
I know a lot of people do jokes about women drivers but after today I can see why. Nothing to do with cars but trolleys. My mother was pushing the trolley and she wasn't watching out for anyone else, wasn't checking both ways before pulling out of an aisle and worst of all she blocked off some aisles and looked one way without turning around to see there were people wanting by her. She wasn't the only one, there were others doing it too. Saturday afternoon is an AWFUL time to try shopping. I think there was only three men in the entire supermarket who weren't employees, the rest were females, slow females. There should be speed limits in supermarkets. I can understand why the wee old ladies take so long, they have to wait till they have their entire body weight behind the trolley to make it move. I wonder what would happen if I waited until they had one foot off the ground ready to inch forward and I gently pushed the trolley back a few inches. Heavily pregnant women are even slower, I feel sorry for their partner / parent / child / sibling who's pushing the trolley for them while she puts one hand on her back and danders around the shop slower than the average brain speed of a ned attempting the Times suduko puzzle. Why can't women learn to shop like men? It's easy. You get your trolley, run towards the aisle then lift your feet off the ground and go weeeeeeeeee until you reach the item you want. Quicker AND more fun. I should point out weeeeeeeeee refers to the noise you make while you fly along and not to the act of urination although that might happen accidentally if your trolley goes out of control in the entertainment aisle, those cheap plasma screens add up to a fair amount. Speaking of bodily fluids I was going to make a remark about spilling water behind pregnant women and then saying their water has broke but hey that's not fun enough.
What you need is to bring an electrochemical cell with you, make sure you can get a power source then go up to the pregnant woman and ask to borrow some water. Now set up the electrochemical cell, attach it to your power then begin electrolysis, moments later you'll have broken the water into oxygen and hydrogen and now you can confidently approach the pregnant woman and tell her that her water has broke, you even have proof.
Falkirk were away to Hamilton today it ended
Another point but we're still bottom of the table, a point behind St. Johnstone.
I was doing washing the other day, it was getting dark and the washing was still out. I wasn't sure what to do when the clothes were still damp so had to phone my mother and ask.
Thursday, 17 September 2009
I don't mean to sound nasty it's just the way I think. I know there's a lot of people out there who can't read or write which I find quite difficult to comprehend especially since the majority of my family enjoy reading. I'm pretty sure my mother has borrowed most of the library. I was trying to imagine something that would be like being illiterate but I kept thinking of being blind although there so much more to enjoy with your eyes than writing. I can't really think of a good comparison with being illiterate. It's something I take for granted and probably most other people do too, it must be hard for people who can't read the paper every morning. Ah I've thought of a good comparison now, it's like being in a foreign country. I guess aliens will also have the same feelings but that sounded mean. Although the aliens might have a babel fish which can allow them to understand other languages, according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy anyway.
Currently typing this while I cook a pizza so hopefully I'll be finished in 12-20 minutes. Spicy chicken pizza if you're curious. I was putting it in the oven and noticed the cats medication and saw that there were 3 tablets left, I was puzzled for a minute thinking 3 was an odd number to have when it's 10tablets in total, 1 to be taken twice a day = 2 a day. After consulting with a local panda I realised that I hadn't fed the cat yet. Ooooops, I feed my cat Dougie at 4pm and he usually starts reminding me around 12pm and every 2minutes for the next 4 hours (unless he finds a box then he'll go to sleep in it for a while) whereas Keira is rather quiet, well behaved and gets fed at 6pm. Dougie has also figured out how to feed himself however he hasn't quite grasped the concept of quantity yet.
He also doesn't understand the concept of sharing. When he catches mice it's a nightmare trying to make him give them up, just stands there hissing, biting down on the mouse harder and leaving a little trail of blood. As most people are aware there's a credit crunch at the moment thanks to the banks being rather irresponsible. I know there's many reasons to be annoyed with the banks but personally I'm more annoyed with all the resulting tv shows talking about all the fat cat bankers. Dougie kept hearing this and now I can't get on my computer with him spending all day doing online applications to RBS. He doesn't understand they won't accept CVs that are in french.
Falkirk is a weird town, especially during the day it's full of old people everywhere or young mothers. Then after the schools are out or sometimes before you start to get congregations of skater / emo types. There's a skate park near my sisters so there's even more places now for them to pack together. They always seem to stare at me when I walk passed, especially the female ones, not sure if it's paranoia or wishful thinking. They always seem so small too, which I guess makes them look cute but I always feel strange because to me short = younger. This of course is entirely false since my friend Cat is a midget and she's older than me, also I've never met a old lady taller than me but that might be down to osteoporosis. My old laboratory partner at university was only 5ft5 which I thought was tiny and she was really thin so made her look even smaller but apparently 5ft4 is average height for girls. I just find it really hard to tell the age of girls, I probably insult most of them by saying they look 12 or some look in their 40s.
Paranoia or not I do feel looked at, maybe it's because of my height, I'm not a giant, I'm around 6ft4. I think maybe clothing has a part to play in it too. I wear brands like oakley, o'neills,DCs and quicksilver which are more associated with alternative sports rather than the mainstream sports like football. Speaking of football, if you walk around Falkirk you'll see mostly Celtic and Rangers tops being worn. I like these types of clothing because they tend to fit more easily, I know the jeans are meant to be baggy but they fit my leg length unlike Levi jeans. Hate wearing tight trousers, feels so snug and can't fit my iPod in my pocket. I believe I need to dress more my age but what to wear? I hate fashion, I won't be caught seen in skinny jeans. Tracksuits are for playing sport, not for everyday wear in public places, nobody has told the neds that of course. A suit isn't very practical and I'm too embarrassed to wear shirts normally, I hate my upper body. Hate my ass too, need to get a sander to remove the spots.
Argh I'm talking crap again. Going back to the subject of females, I was in my course today and the guy who I sometimes speak to said to me " Wow I have an amazing view" I was like " What?" to which he replied " See the girl in the yellow top there, I can see her bra through it". I'm not the most social person in the world but I'm pretty sure that's supposed to remain in your head and not be said aloud. I don't want to sound rude again but in my opinion looking at wasp stings is not my idea of a good view.