Friday, 31 July 2009

Friday 31st July 2009

Feeling better today, no nausea wooooohoooooo.

Something was delivered to the house earlier which I had to sign for on one of those small hand held computer type signy things, bloody difficult to sign your name on them. My signature is awful at the best of times so trying to write on that was even worse I think it ended up looking like a barcode since none of the curves of the letters showed up. The delivery guy was really friendly which was nice.

I was in the shower this morning and looking at my feet I noticed that on both feet four of the toes are normal round shape at the tip but the third toe on both feet had a weird more pointy shape to the tip. Rather strange. I always find it strange that my second toe is longer than my big toe, I'm sure it's supposed to mean something but I can't remember what.

For lunch I had a really nice tasty cajun tuna mayo roll it was delicious. No idea why I decided to write that after talking about my feet. They don't smell fishy and they shape isn't much like a tuna and of course fish don't really have feet although some seem to have fingers, well according to birdseye they do. I've never actually seen a fish with fingers but I'll take Captain Birdseyes word for it since he looks a bit like Santa. He could actually be Santa cause I've never seen Captain Birdseye and Santa in the same room together, I suppose it could be coincidence though.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Thursday 30th July 2009

So it's the first day of Fluoxetine, I don't want to jinx anything but so far it's better, the nausea is less than with the Citalopram and I haven't been sweating excessively which is always great. However there is still some nausea and I've been shaking a little but managed to stay the whole day at the course which is a step in the right direction.

I wonder whats the point in this course everyday, there's only 2 staff compared to the number of participants on the course so getting proper help isn't particularly easy which isn't there fault. They do try to give help and guidance, the person who's in charge has had depression so understands the medication and the effects it has.

Keep thinking of stuff to write but as soon as I get to a computer I forget what it was, bloody annoying.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Wednesday 29th July 2009

Today has been awful. Feels like someone is churning butter in my stomach. Went to the doctors and went through the whole appointment thinking " don't be sick, don't be sick, want to be outside and alone, don't be sick" which made it highly entertaining. The doctor changed me from Citalopram onto Fluoxetine, which is prozac. After reading the side effects I can't help but wonder if this will be worse.

Beginning to wonder if anyone really believes how bad I feel inside. My sister was talking to me and asked if I had phoned the course to say I wouldn't be coming in, I said I hadn't and she asked why. I told her honestly that I couldn't to which she replied " Course you can. That's silly. Its just you don't want to isn't it?" it makes me angry cause I really can't. I can't phone someone I don't know, I panic, I can't make my own doctors, dentist or hairdressing appointments over the phone. This is why it's better just to shut up and and keep my problems to myself at least then only I know.

I should of apologised earlier for my posts, some of them may not read particularly well and have words missing this is because my brain goes faster than my fingers and I forget to always put in the entire sentence.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Tuesday 28th July 2009

Decided to take the medication at 3am in the hope that I'd not feel nauseous at 9am for going to the course, didn't go as planned, couldn't sleep properly and felt very nauseous till around 1pm. Doctor appointment tomorrow morning, feeling rather anxious about it, hope I won't feel nauseous whilst there.

Hate applying for jobs, my references are pretty lame and I have little to no experience. Can never think what to answer for half of the questions either, especially when they ask stuff like " describe a time when you solved a problem" , I suppose it could be worse I could be George W Bush and the problem is how to get support to invade Iraq. Although I bet he has better references than me.

Having to write supporting statements with your job application are pretty damn hard too, I always write " I believe I'm an honest individual" followed by 100 negative points about myself to prove how honest I am. I'm not sure if it's a personal issue or due to Scottish mentality that I find it so hard to write something positive and even when I try I always describe it as kind of or quite good rather than " I am very good at...."

Monday, 27 July 2009

Monday 27th July 2009

To try and get back towards my old shape and fitness I've been " running " the past few months. Not particularly often though which won't help. I used to play football with friends a lot up untill a few years ago and that involved running around for 4 hours a night so I'm pretty disappointed that I now find it exhausting running for 30seconds. What I really need is to start running daily in order to build up fitness but it's hard to get motivated. I also hate people looking at me when I'm going for a run, well I hate it all the time but even more so when I'm looking like that, it's especially bad that I have to cross a main road in order to get to a more isolated route.

As for medication today, felt nauseous still but not as much as previously, big test is tomorrow when I have to go to the course. I really hope I don't feel sick. Anxiety has set in.

Sunday, 26 July 2009

Sunday 26th July 2009

Again a picture taken from my phone so not great quality. It's a picture taken from St Andrews, looking out across the water.

Nausea is still present but less than the other days, I'm hoping it goes away soon, I don't think I can stand having to go to the course this week and keep having to go to the bathroom when I feel nauseous. I haven't actually vomitted at all but it's getting really annoying. I don't know how to cope with it added to the torture of being in a room full of people. Anxiety and paranoid make it worse and I realise I have to figure a way to get over them but it's not that easy. I'm actually anxious already, worrying that it'll soon be tuesday, that's not the greatest way to live.

What's the point in mens fashion? It looks awful, men shouldn't wear skinny jeans. Do girls like men in skinny jeans and if so why? What's wrong with baggy jeans? They're much more comfortable and I bet they're a darn sight easier to get on and off. Since I like to cycle, walk and play football my legs are the only place that has more developed muscles so I'd think skinny jeans would look freaking weird on me. That's about my limit on fashion, must be why I'm unfashionable or of course it could be due to the fact that I look like an escaped mental patient. I didn't escape, I was released.

Saturday, 25 July 2009

Saturday 25th July 2009

Thought I'd add a wee picture. It's taken from a camera phone so it's not exactly good quality.

Was feeling nauseous again this morning but slept through it. It's not looking likely that it'll stop by Monday which I find rather disappointing. Other than that I'm feeling pretty meh resulting in some lacklustre attempts at trying to do something constructive with my time.

Friday, 24 July 2009

Friday 24th July 2009

I can't believe Steven Gerrard got let off, the people who he was with have admitted affray, there's CCTV footage of Gerrard and he still gets away with it. Anyone else would of got a guilty verdict but because he's a footballer for England and Liverpool he gets off free. It's a frigging joke.

Quite often I'll hop around blogs just having a wee glance, as I've said previously there's a lot out there, most of which I don't understand but every now and then you see one that's rather good. I don't have diabetes but I seen this blog on poetry associated with diabetes and I'm highly impressed at the volume of good quality poetry that can be created about diabetes.

Today has been pretty meh. I have to go to this course that the job centre sent me too, it lasts for 13 weeks, 4 days a week. Just finished my 4th week so 9 more to go. It's basically just sitting at a computer from 10am till 4pm doing job searches, I find it pointless since I can do that at home and it does not take 5hours of my day ( we get an hour for lunch ). Since starting the medication I generally feel awful whilst there, when trying to work it's not easy while you feel queasy. The paranoia of being sick makes it even worse, sometimes I wonder how much of nausea is real and how much is just in my head.

Falkirk were in Liechtenstein last evening playing the second leg of their Europa league qualifying match. They went 1-0 down in normal time to level the tie and then went on to lose another goal in extra time, losing the tie 2-1. It's sad to see them go out so soon when it took many years to get there in the first place. Hopefully it won't be another 133 years before they grace the European stage once more.

Vaduz 2 - Falkirk 0 ( agg 2-1 )

As I mentioned yesterday I had to phone my doctor, technically I phoned, left a message and he called back a few hours later when free. My father is addicted to answering the phone first, even if it has stopped ringing he'll pick it up and say hello. Of course he answered when the doctor phoned back and then proceeded to ask my mother what was wrong that the doctor had to call to speak to me. Of course I told my mother it was none of her business so that's exactly what she told him. He never actually asks me. At Christmas last year I was feeling pretty low and broke down a little, eventually I spoke to my sister about what was wrong. My father went and asked her what I had said but she wouldn't tell him, again didn't bother come directly to me. No one really talks about problems in our family, it's always been more individual and I'm guessing that's not how a family is meant to be. No one ever talks or says I love you. I guess that's why tv and films always seem so fake to me, all the hugs, all the love you's just doesn't sound/look right when said to/done with parents or siblings.

Medication wise today it's been so-so, some nausea but not as much as the past few days.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Thursday 23rd July 2009

Another bad day, hate feeling sick in public and having to actually leave a room is even worse. Had to phone the doctor, he said that younger people generally take longer to get used to it but sounded suprised that I was still feeling nauseous. The doctor said I was to continue taking the medication and if it's not any better by monday to phone him again.

Generally by the late afternoon I feel better but this isn't particularly useful.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Wednesday 22nd July 2009

Not a great day, after taking the medication felt very sick. Hoping it ends soon. It's not fun or particularly pleasant and that's a whole week passed. Judging from what the doctor had said I had assumed I shouldn't be getting the nausea anymore by now. Feels like I have a washing machine inside my stomach churning over and over on the rinse cycle.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Tuesday 21st July 2009

Argh the drowsiness has gone only for the nausea to return. I've been thinking, the fact that I don't like being seen in public only really leaves one job available for me, Ninja. However this does pose a few problems of it's own, I've never noticed any of the various employment sites advertising positions for Ninjas. Probably would require finding an international employment agency and to be honest my references may not be appropriate for that line of work. Also what is the demand for Scottish Ninjas? Is there any demand now we're in a recession?

If you're looking for a ninja for your company please leave a contact number below.

Monday, 20 July 2009

Monday 20th July 2009

Wow a whole week of blogging has gone past. You lucky lucky reader(s). Well the good news is the nausea phase seems to of passed, however the drowsy feeling is still very much present. I'm sleeping enough, more than enough so it must be the medication. Not sure if it'll persist throughout the time I have to stay on them or like the nausea it'll fade.

Was playing Saints Row 2 before writing this, it's a good fun game and it's good medication too, nothing quite as satisfying as throwing people off a pier or into oncoming traffic.

Sunday, 19 July 2009

Sunday 19th July 2009

Feeling better than yesterday, no nausea but did sleep for quite a bit and still tired which isn't particularly good.

It's been a fairly nice day weatherwise, some bright sunshine which always please the cat.

Managed to slice my foot on a piece of broken plastic last night, it wouldn't sound that bad but I sliced my big toe on the same piece not long ago, I really should watch where I put my feet.

My father was taking my grandmother out on a canal trip with some other old folk for the day so was helping to prepare some food. He had boiled 8 or so eggs for egg mayonaise sandwiches, personally I only like my egg to be roughly cut so you get a fairly large bit of egg to bite into whereas my father says that's not proper egg mayonaise and states that everyone likes it to be obliterated into fine egg pieces. I never used to like mayonaise much but now I do so I like my egg mayonaise to be fairly moist rather than dry crumbly bland stuff. When I make egg mayonaise for myself, I like to sandwich it between ham or warm slices of sausage, tastes delicious, my favourite sandwich is honey roast ham and salmon, may seem like a strange mixture but it's what I like, although I am partial to the sweet chili chicken sub from subway.

Damn starting to salivate at the thought of food now, luckily it's not long till I'll cook my dinner. I actually enjoy cooking quite a lot and I'm not that bad at it although my attempt at homemade pasta was awful to say the least.

Saturday, 18 July 2009

Saturday 18th July 2009

Not a particularly good day today. Feeling pretty low and the nausea doesn't help. The weekends for most people is about fun, luckily today was pretty heavy rain so I won't be the only one who's miserable. It's weird how fast the year has gone, I can't believe it's already the second half of July. Seems such a waste of time with each passing year, the only things that change is the number of names on my phone book. As the saying goes Misery loves company but company hates misery.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Friday 17th July 2009

Just noticed that yesterdays blog lables were anxiety, depression and football, with those three words it's suprising that my post wasn't about this years Scottish cup final. If you didn't happen to see the match and don't want to know the final score, please look away now.

Falkirk 0 - Glasgow Rangers 1

From that result and the three words you should be able to work out I'm a Falkirk fan. Falkirk played amazing in the cup and deserved to win it. Reaching the cup final meant that for the first time in their history Falkirk would be playing in a european competition, namely the Europa Cup. Was called the UEFA cup until this year. Anyway last night Falkirk played in the second qualifying round and played Vaduz a team from Liechtenstein who play in the Swiss leagues. It was a dreich night in central Scotland and the match at the Falkirk stadium ended.

Falkirk 1 - Vaduz 0

Only goal of the match was scored by Ryan Flynn on loan from Liverpool. With the second leg still to play, it's far from over but it's a great start for Falkirks first venture into Europe.

On my second day of the medication now and today I've been feeling rather sick along with very drows, I'm hoping it'll pass in a few days, that's what the doctor said anyway.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Thursday 16th July 2009

Wooo I got my first comment and I didn't have to bribe anyone. I hate how insincere I always sound, I never mean to sound it but every time I do say something nice it always sounds so false. Compliments are another thing, it's hard to not think that the other person will think you're only giving them a compliment in order to get something in return. Be able to take compliments is an ability I lack, I always think they're just trying to be nice or worse being sarcastic and you never want to take a compliment and have the other person start laughing after you say thank you.

My blog post titles are pretty damn dull, posting the date in the title when it says the date right underneath is a little pointless but when I start a new post I never really know what I'm going to write. The actual title of the blog is bad enough, it has no meaning, I just looked at the windows and thought " Hey, those windows could do with a clean............MUM CLEAN THE FRIGGING WINDOWS!! ". I suppose I could drop the cat on the keyboard and see what it types for titles but sadly he only speaks french.

Going back to what I said right at the start about getting a comment, which is always nice unless it's not a nice comment then it's not....nice. Anyways I'm not even sure how many folk have actually read any of this. I suppose I could let people who I actually know read this but that would only add like a couple more people at best and to be honest the cat doesn't type that well when it comes to comments. For a starters he struggles with the language barrier and I can't read much french plus his paws hit more than one key at once which leaves him frustrated and eventually he just gives up. It's a shame really, I believe he could of been a fantastic writer, he spends hours looking out of the patio windows inspired by nature and he loves to ponder lifes mysteries whilst have a quiet moment in his litter tray. Ah damn was feeding the cat and now I've lost my train of thought.

I like football ( soccer ) and participate in some football forums which have mainly been about transfers and speculation at the moment. Most of the talk has been about Real Madrid and Manchester City and the volumes of cash they've been spending on transfers and wages. I do read the news and there has been a lot of recent plane crashes, which is awful. It got me thinking about the tragic Munich air disaster which happened in 1958 I think where the Manchester United squad were aboard at the time and a lot of people lost their lives and wondered if that happened today to Real Madrid or Manchester City what the cost would be. It's a terrible thought and I sincerely hope it doesn't happen but it makes me wonder do clubs take out insurance on expensive players? The way I talk which is usually wry makes things seem like a joke when I don't mean them too and makes me want to state I wasn't trying to be funny in this paragraph.

Trying to be sincere is pretty difficult and as I previously stated what I tend to say comes out like dry humour. When I was talking to my doctor, he was asking me about suicidal thoughts which isn't an easy subject to talk about at the best of times, however I'm sitting there, I begin to talk and I find myself saying "..... the problem with it, is none of the options seems particularly safe,it's not like where you have a gun and it's straightforward, pills could give you a stomach ulcer and I don't think that would be a pleasant experience, hanging I can see a lot of rope burns happening there..." . My doctor looked at me and he did agree that they're not safe.

I struggle with talking and delicate situation make it a hell of a lot worse but this was awful, I was trying to stay calm, speak clearly and put my thoughts across, sadly all I did was get muddled, therefore looking like a bloody idiot. The worst thing is I was being sincere.

I've wrote a fair bit today and I think I was actually thinking of writing more but have forgotten what. Today, I took my first tablet and so far haven't noticed any side effects except feeling sick but I usually feel sick when I have to go into the public domain.

The blog lies I posted this at 16:11

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Wednesday 15th July 2009

Well the past couple of days I've been playing around with the " next blog " button at the top of the screen. It's amazing what people write about and the number of different languages people write in. I've seen a fair number of weird things that I had no idea what they were and quite a lot of those were in english. It seems odd to me what some people blog about, there's a fair number of blogs just about families, a lot about football teams and even some on car specifications. I can't really complain though since I don't exactly write about what other people may want to read. There is a fair number of blogs that are interesting to read and some that look interesting but I can't read them due to the language.

Today I went to the doctors , had to go see him about my condition since it's a lot worse than the last time I saw him a few years ago. It's extremely difficult to try to express how you feel openly in front of another person. I've always found it a lot easier to write things down rather than come across rather sporadically in my thoughts. I should of wrote something down but didn't, I don't think I managed to convey the depth of my problem. I've always been pessimistic but the daily,hourly contemplation of suicide is not something that's particularly easy to deal with or tell to someone you know.

Anyways after many years of thinking that needing to chemically alter my thinking was a sign of utter failure I decided to accept the doctor's recommendation of anti depressants, something called Citalopram, to be taken each morning so I won't start treatment till tomorrow , wooo lucky me something to look forward too. I was told about one side effect , nausea but have now done a little research , other side effects include actual vomitting, trembling, tiredness, hallucinations, impotency and by far the worst for me is hyperhidrosis ( sweating more) . Anxiety and being unfit already make me sweat like a pig in Denmark so I'm not looking forward to that one. Of course the risk of side effects is only around 1 in 10 but with a paranoia thats as good as 100%.

Impotency aside I guess most of the side effects are worth getting better for. I've not felt right for a number of years but recently I've not felt at all like myself anymore, it's not an easy concept to try to explain to someone. I used to be really shy in public , then at home or with my writing I used to be someone else, now I just don't feel, I wouldn't like to say I feel empty but it's like my soul isn't in me anymore. No idea where it could be, I'll probably check the fridge later.

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

Tuesday 14th July 2009

Today is Bastille day , a national holiday in France which commemorates the storming of the Bastille prison. It is a day when the French president can pardon offenders but I believe the current President , President Sarkozy doesn't take part in this tradition. I don't know much about french history and I only actually know about Bastille day by watching the Tour de France every year. It's the day when a french rider really wants to win a stage on the tour. Generally making it quite an exciting day of racing.

I used to cycle a lot but stopped a few years ago. It's something I miss , I never participated in races or any events , I was solely a recreational cyclist. Using a mountain bike on roads probably made that pretty obvious to more serious cyclists out there. Having to get up at 6am to travel to university everyday and getting home around 7pm added to my lack of enthusiasm for anything didn't help in maintaining my cycling.

As I said I miss cycling , there's something about it that I loved. Since I stopped I began to eat a lot more and the lack of exercise took its toll on my fitness, I'm not obese but I'm far from what I used to be. Over the years of not doing anything I got more paranoid and self concious to the point of where I am now having anxiety attacks being in public areas. Travelling to university daily I had to use the bus , takes between an hour and a quarter and an hour and a half to get to the city from where I lived so it was approx 3 hours a day on buses. Now getting on a bus freaks me out , especially when it's got people on it. Buses don't come that often but if I see the bus is fairly full then I won't get on. This really doesn't help getting to places on time but thinking about stepping on the bus and all the people looking at me just quickens my breath and I begin to feel faint and sick.

The worst thing is this thought process makes me comfort eat , I thought that was just a thing for girls but no sadly not, comfort eating leads to more thoughts of being a fat git which leads to more comfort eating and thats a type of cycling I don't enjoy.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Monday 13th July 2009

Before I begin I must confess I do not know what I'm doing here. I've always heard that talking helps but I don't really know who to talk to. I would imagine that this won't really be read by anyone but that's fine, I'm hoping it'll help myself.

I guess I should start by introducing myself, I won't give away too much information since I'd prefer to remain more or less anonymous. Well I'm male , I'm from Scotland and I'm mid 20s. Mid 20s doesn't sound particularly old but I feel like I wasted my life.

I have never really accomplished anything in all my years , well except from getting more depressed with each passing day but you don't win awards for that and even if you did I'm sure Gordon Brown ( the UK prime minister) would win. One of the main problems with depression is if you say you're depressed people think you're just looking for attention but if you don't tell anyone then you'll just cut your wrists and that can be rather difficult to explain to your parents. It's bad enough trying to explain it if you use a knife but I wasn't really enjoying the whole blade on skin sensation so I tried to do it with highlighter pens, it wasn't very effective and to be honest I wouldn't recommend it, though it does add a bit of colour to a more often than not glum situation.