Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Wednesday 15th July 2009

Well the past couple of days I've been playing around with the " next blog " button at the top of the screen. It's amazing what people write about and the number of different languages people write in. I've seen a fair number of weird things that I had no idea what they were and quite a lot of those were in english. It seems odd to me what some people blog about, there's a fair number of blogs just about families, a lot about football teams and even some on car specifications. I can't really complain though since I don't exactly write about what other people may want to read. There is a fair number of blogs that are interesting to read and some that look interesting but I can't read them due to the language.

Today I went to the doctors , had to go see him about my condition since it's a lot worse than the last time I saw him a few years ago. It's extremely difficult to try to express how you feel openly in front of another person. I've always found it a lot easier to write things down rather than come across rather sporadically in my thoughts. I should of wrote something down but didn't, I don't think I managed to convey the depth of my problem. I've always been pessimistic but the daily,hourly contemplation of suicide is not something that's particularly easy to deal with or tell to someone you know.

Anyways after many years of thinking that needing to chemically alter my thinking was a sign of utter failure I decided to accept the doctor's recommendation of anti depressants, something called Citalopram, to be taken each morning so I won't start treatment till tomorrow , wooo lucky me something to look forward too. I was told about one side effect , nausea but have now done a little research , other side effects include actual vomitting, trembling, tiredness, hallucinations, impotency and by far the worst for me is hyperhidrosis ( sweating more) . Anxiety and being unfit already make me sweat like a pig in Denmark so I'm not looking forward to that one. Of course the risk of side effects is only around 1 in 10 but with a paranoia thats as good as 100%.

Impotency aside I guess most of the side effects are worth getting better for. I've not felt right for a number of years but recently I've not felt at all like myself anymore, it's not an easy concept to try to explain to someone. I used to be really shy in public , then at home or with my writing I used to be someone else, now I just don't feel, I wouldn't like to say I feel empty but it's like my soul isn't in me anymore. No idea where it could be, I'll probably check the fridge later.

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