Monday, 17 August 2009

Monday 17th August 2009

Added a picture since the subject isn't the most cheerful. It's just a picture of Loch Ness. Not a great picture but it's still a picture.

Everyone is affected by death at some stage in their life, if you're lucky it's only towards the end and your own. It's probably the hardest thing to deal with and there's many ways to cope with it although none of them really provide any sort of real relief. Time only dulls the feelings but can never truly remove the affect. My method of coping with death is comedy, not always meant though. Especially when it comes to someone else and you're trying to cheer them up, it probably comes across as insensitive though but it's the only way I have, I just don't sound genuine when being sincere.

One of the issues with death, especially when younger is knowing how to act / feel when someone dies. It's not a particularly easy thing to comprehend, not the dying itself but the emotions afterwards. The hardest death I've personally had to cope with was of my maternal grandfather, it was a long time ago now but still deeply saddens me. I never really knew how much until I went to counselling a few years ago. The counsellor asked many things over ten sessions but only being asked about him made me cry. Of course being male I tried to hold it in, blinking rapidly to try to friction dry my eyes, taking deep breaths and looking towards the ceiling. None of that really helped.

I don't know why it affects me so much now since at the time I don't remember feeling the same pain sitting at my grans house in the morning after he died or at the funeral. It was the first funeral I had actual been to despite my paternal grandfather dying already. I wasn't allowed to go to that funeral, not sure why.

I've always felt with failing university and not trying hard enough with anything that I've let people down.

I've been to university twice. Whilst at my first university I had my first real girlfriend and when I was in second year she found me up, she was crying and I couldn't fully make out what she was saying on the phone. I caught the gist of it. She said she had just got back from the doctors and had been told she had had a miscarriage. She didn't know she was pregnant and I certainly didn't know, after all paranoia had taught me to use protection. I wasn't fully sure how a hard hat, shin guards and a good thorough rinse of Listerine was meant to help but I was prepared, maybe I shouldn't of hid in my hands in social education at school but Christ those pictures they show are awful and the films are even worse. Not the acting but the subject content, although the acting wasn't great I didn't really BELIEVE she was giving birth, no passion, just grunts and screams. Anyways back to reality, I didn't know what to say to her at the time, I didn't want kids then and I was ten minutes away from starting my end of year exam. Surprisingly I didn't do too well in that exam.
I actually did so bad that I had to explain why to the vice dean of natural sciences, I told the truth and they obviously didn't believe me.

I remember feeling anger towards her for her timing, I know it wasn't her fault or intention and I now feel guilty about it.

It's been over six years now but I still don't understand how a miscarriage is supposed to affect men. I guess if you're trying for a child it'd be devastating, perhaps that's a little strong but disappointing doesn't seem strong enough. I didn't want kids at the time but did I feel glad about the miscarriage? No. I don't know what I felt, I still don't. I don't know how I'm meant to feel. Is it really that big a deal? They say talking helps but I've never really spoken to my family about anything too personal, only recently opening up a bit to my sister. Being male I guess it's a bit harder especially with mostly male friends, they're not going to be very helpful with matters like this.

I just remember thinking, nothing specific but just thinking. Thoughts racing through my mind over and over. That's one of the problems I have, I am constantly thinking, over analysing everything, every negative thing that has happened over more than two decades. I never forget negative things, just store them up then lay awake thinking. I'm not sure if that why I normally get nightmares but lately with the use of the medication I seem to be sleeping easier and thinking less. Which I am grateful for.

My sister lost one of her cats a while ago, it was never found so it's probably worse for her and her husband not knowing what actually happened to the cat. It's sad really, I don't think I can bare my cat dying. In the past we've had dogs, fish, hamster and other pets, whilst it was sad for the dogs to die, I was younger at the time so the affect wasn't as great as it would be with my current cat who I've had since a kitten. It hopefully won't be for a long time though. Thinking now we had one of the dogs from a puppy since we had its mother who gave birth to it, obviously. The only real memories I have are of her eating grass and running on the motorway. She didn't die on the motorway but got injured and her back legs hopped along rather than ran.

It seems difficult to recall any happy memories.

I noticed a story on yahoo news earlier saying that children should not be given processed meat for their packed lunches as in adults it's being linked with bowel cancer. This is a bit of a problem for me since I ate mostly lunch meat rolls for my six years of high school plus numerous lunches since. I like it since I like to eat ham and chicken along with other meats. It seems everything causes cancer these days. It won't stop me eating sandwich meat since Marks & Spencers honey roast ham is delicious.

Trying to remember the difference between affect and effect is making my brain collapse. Since leaving university I'm sure my IQ has halved.

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