Friday, 4 September 2009

Friday 4th September 2009

So I was in Falkirk and walking along the street, there were some low hanging branches so I stepped off the kerb to walk by them. There was a guy stood just after them and when I walked passed he said " Do I smell that bad? " . I didn't answer him, it confused me that some short person who I didn't know would just say something random and in an aggressive tone. Sometimes I feel I should just act on impulse and thump them but morally I know that's wrong. Generally I am an angry person but I can usually keep it bottled inside till I'm alone.

Little things just grate on me and annoy me more and more,

  • People smoking in no smoking areas.
  • People smoking in no smoking areas and officials doing nothing about it.
  • People who eat really really loudly so you can hear every chew.
  • People who say they'll do something in a minute but are still sitting after 10minutes.
  • People who put their feet up on bus seats.
  • Kids who sit for the entire time they're on a bus pressing the stop button and nobody does anything about it.
  • Old people who take ages to get on the bus then get off at the very next stop 100metres down the road.
  • People who talk in the cinema.
  • When my father puts meat into a cold pan then lights the gas.
I could list more but it wouldn't be particularly productive.

So today wasn't a good day. Was raining and grey in the morning. I felt fine for the first hour but then I was at the job centre. Turned out the girl who was working there was from my area and her big sister was in my year at school, no idea who her big sister actually was but she told me she's married to someone from just around the corner from where I live. Who was a prick at school. I was feeling nervous before sitting down so this long drawn out conversation was making it worse. I say conversation but it was mostly her talking and me saying yes or no. She then got up to get a couple of print offs which took ages and she stood talking to one of her colleagues. Girls.
I was very thankful to get out of there and feel the cool breeze outside.

Getting the bus home was even worse. It was crowded and some girl sat on the seat opposite me and then put her feet up on the chair beside me. It was a 4 person seat like a pic nic table without the table and better chairs and inside a bus. I felt trapped which made me feel nauseous and panic. It was only about 1 minute into the journey and I was sure I was going to be sick. I bit my lip to take my mind off the nausea but it didn't help much. My palms were starting to drip sweat, it was horrible. The girl got off at a stop just before leaving the Falkirk area, I had hoped that would calm me down a bit but sadly no, my stomach was still churning over. At this stage I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood. Frantically I searched my iPod hoping to find a song that would take my mind off of the journey. It helped a little but I began to panic more, it felt like the whole bus was heating up like a sauna, my constant fidgetting with my hands was beginning to progress into an accidental self chinese burn. Every bus stop we passed I thought to myself that's one more closer to my stop. We reached Bonnybridge and ran into road works, it felt likes ages that our side was at red, every car that passed made me more and more nauseous. I wanted to get up and get off the bus but I didn't want to cause a scene. Eventually most of the people got off the bus and I started to relax a little, finally I made it to my stop and by god I was thankful. The palpitations subsided, the palms began to dry and relaxed. I love being outside in the fresh air. It felt so good.

Walking the rest of the way home I started singing to myself The Smiths: Panic. I didn't knowingly pick that song but " Panic on the streets of london" just entered my thoughts.

I hate how anxious I feel just using public transport, it wasn't always like this so why now? Argh :(

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