Monday, 12 October 2009

Monday 12th October 2009

I'll write more later but thought I'd add this before I forget.

There's many blogs out there who do word of the day or discuss what words mean, I'm pretty awful with words. So here's some wisdom

Don't confuse RAVAGE with RAVISH.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

Sunday 11th October

Past few days I don't feel like I've slept properly. I seem to keep waking up ever few hours. My throat seems to get a lump in it and makes me cough. Once I wake up properly I find it difficult to breathe for a short while, my lungs feel sticky. I keep trying to clear my throat but there's nothing there to clear, it feels blocked though, it's confusing. I can hear my lungs wheezing while I breathe. Hopefully it'll sort itself out.

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Saturday 10th October 2009

It's my brother in laws birthday today, he doesn't actually read this so not entirely sure why I'm mentioning it but it's true all the same.

Watched the Scotland match earlier. They went all the way to Japan to play a friendly and didn't even have a shot on goal. It ended

Japan 2 - Scotland 0

Scotland played well in defence but didn't seem like any threat to Japan.

Friday, 9 October 2009

Friday 9th October

Last night I made some incredibly juicy tender pork tenderloin, it was a joy to eat.

OK going back to what I was discussing yesterday, employment and my future. I have no idea what I want to be or do.

  • All I really know is science
  • I'm awful with people
  • I wouldn't mind joining the police but I don't think I'd pass the fitness tests to get in and I'd really enjoy giving out some police brutality
  • I hate ice
  • I have a problem with doors
  • I'm polite
  • I like being outside unless there's ice
  • I like being inside if there's ice
  • I like working in labs
  • I'm accurate
  • I'm a good problem solver
  • I like to sleep
  • I enjoy afternoon naps
  • I like to write but my knowledge of the English language is limited and my grammar is poor
  • I'm a good cook but don't really like a lot of food, mainly veg unless it's raw carrots or peppers and I don't think I could handle the cooking environment
  • I'm intelligent
  • I have a decent sense of humour
  • I like to play computer games
  • I have a good imagination
  • The idea of teaching is good, I especially like the fact you have shorter days and long summer holidays however I'm not too keen on kids, I'm too attractive to be a high school teacher and too scary to be a primary school teacher. Plus in modern day society you're not allowed to beat them with chairs
  • I don't like warm weather
So taking all that into consideration what jobs should I be looking at? What would I be good at? What would I enjoy?

I'm thinking a Ninja who works in Sweden.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Thursday 8th October 2009

When I was little I wanted to be a vet, after realising that vets have to put down animals I changed my mind to becoming a zoologist. I stayed with that until the day I had to make my mind up in high school of what to course to apply for at university. My father wanted me to do architecture and that's something I had absolutely no interest in but to keep him happy I applied to three universities to do architecture. However for architecture they expect you to be decent at art and have taken it at school, as a science geek I did physics, biology and chemistry along with English, maths and geography. Since there was another three spaces on the application form I decided to go for marine biology, my logic was I like water and I like zoology so lets combine them.

Few months later I got my results and to my surprise I got an interview for a position at a university for architecture. I wasn't exactly delighted by this since I didn't want to do it and my joy decreased even further when I read that I had to bring an art portfolio. I'm actually not that bad at art as long as it's to do with nature, so I got to work creating a portfolio to show the architecture dude at the university. I soon realised that I can't just take nature pictures so I diversified into drawing pictures of the grim reaper, don't ask me why, it seemed perfectly sensible at the time.

During the interview at Dundee university I was asked questions like who's my favourite architect, what type of work do I like etc etc. From my lame answers and my portfolio I think it was clear to the dude that I wasn't architect material. Hell I didn't want to spend seven years of my life at university.

So I looked at my options, I had got into two university for marine biology and I picked the closest one. University was scary. Being shy I didn't enjoy it very at all and not being a drinker made it even worse. Since I was a fairly good student at school I kept that up at university and went to every lecture, tutorial and lab class I was expected for. My timetable was OK except for one day where I had lectures at 9am, 10am then one at 5pm. Since I travelled from home I didn't have much to do for six hours so at first I went and walked around for a few hours, into town and back sometimes twice. Eventually I began to detest having to wait around for that length of time and I took the bold step to not bother going to the 5pm lecture. I was a rebel!! To my surprise nothing was mentioned so for the rest of the term I didn't go to another 5pm lecture. In my defence the lecture was on environmental science and it was all about rocks.

It was at that point I realised I hated environmental science. Marine biology was not what I had thought it was. However I was enjoying the chemistry and biology units I was doing at the time. Unfortunately I enjoyed chemistry too much and that wasn't needed, even worse was to come when the university decided to close down it's chemistry department. After two and a half years I was buggered, I didn't have the right amounts of units done in certain requirements and I hadn't performed as well as I should of. I then was asked to explain to the vice dean of natural science why I hadn't done that well. I wrote a completely honest emotionally draining letter but they didn't believe it. Few weeks later I received a letter stating that I wouldn't be completing my course. I was devastated. I really was, education was all I knew. I had no idea what else I could do with my life.

For 6 months I dwelled and dwelled on it. I pondered joining the RAF but my father said that would be stupid. I was 21 and I was lost.

Eventually I applied to university again, this time to do Biochemistry. I got accepted into Queens university Belfast and to the University of Glasgow and since Glasgow is closer I went there. It's a very good university a lot different from my first one. Travelling to Glasgow daily wasn't much fun but I didn't want to fail again. I attended lectures, tutorials and labs. I had to do units on biology and chemistry and I picked exploring the cosmos for my third unit. I was told to do so by a friend who said it was an easy course. It was, first day we learnt the planets. It was quite an interesting course and I was surprised how much I did enjoy learning about each planet. At the start the class started out as over 200, as the weeks went by the class size dwindled lower and lower. I didn't mind that since I'm not a people person and in the end I had a few back rows of the lecture theatre all to myself, finally I could nap.

In my second term I started to skip some of the lectures on exploring the cosmos. Thoughtfully the lecturers left notes out at the front of the class room and there was a door at the back so you could pick up the notes then leave. I didn't skip the lectures due to being bored, sadly I skipped them because I had another lecture directly after it that was right over the other side of campus up a tower. This may sound fine but if I get somewhere late I won't go in because I don't like the thought of everyone staring at me and since this lecture was more important I skipped the other to be there early.

After my first year of my new university I worked over the summer as a landscape gardener. Wasn't very keen on it but it was money and I did like gardens. During this time I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and see about my "unhappiness" (I never called it depression since I didn't think I was worthy of calling it depression). He referred me to counselling which took a few months to get into but also at the same time he booked me in to be tested for Marfans syndrome. He only did that because I'm tall. Luckily after lots of x-rays, tests and ECGs and even having to wear some heart thingy for 24hours they discovered I didn't have Marfans syndrome but hey they did find a hole/leak in my heart. Soon after this whilst working I experience my first anxiety attack, I had never had one before and I couldn't breathe, I was sure it was a heart attack. My boss called an ambulance which was probably a bit of an over reaction and after a short while they got me to calm down.

I was glad to start my second year at university but soon I had another anxiety attack and that made me very paranoid. I didn't want anyone to see me in that state. It got worse and worse. I had difficulty breathing and staying calm in lectures, exams were even worse. I couldn't stand being in a room full of people, it was so quiet and I could hear my heart thumping harder and harder. Every exam was the same, each one I tried to do I had to leave. I managed to pass the year on good laboratory and essay marks.

Getting into third year was a relief, labs lasted longer and that's where I felt at home. Unfortunately we had more tutorials, involving presentations and the exams were now longer. I tried and failed to stay calm and buggered up the year, not getting into honours or even doing enough to graduate. That was last year now I'm lost again.

I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I just know I want to do something.

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

Wednesday 7th October 2009

It's currently 4:35am, it's dark outside, it's quiet and I like it. This might not make sense but I enjoy nobody else being around but I don't like being alone.

The best thing about this time of day is the ability to think, I find I think much clearer. It's usually the time when I used to do my laboratory write ups on the day they were to be in for. I don't really like pressure but I'm awful at making decisions, it's not just me my sister is the exact same. Even if we probably prefer something over something else we will still just say "I don't know" or "I don't mind". I think it's due to my father not giving us choices when we were growing up. We did what he wanted to do so now as adults, choices confuse us.

Along with the middle of the night I also find that the bathroom is a great place to think, it's where I go to read or play Sudoku. Again I'm not the only one in my family who does this my sister has a Sudoku book in her bathroom too. Why should the bathroom only be used for disposing of bodily functions or washing. It's a room, it's quite a peaceful room, yes it has a toilet but surely that's an added bonus.

As usual my father went to the shops to get cheap food, he came back with a couple of value chickens. They're the really cheap ones that I'm sure are the unhappy chickens. I guess most chickens are unhappy once they find out they're going to die and get eaten but when you're hopping around a field it seems less of a depressing end. Anyways he had to cook it before it went out of date the next day so he boiled it, it smelled foul (pardon the pun). I hate boiled chicken it has no flavour which makes you add a tonne of salt just to taste something. Even Douglas the cat turned his nose up at it when I offered him a piece and only minutes before hand he had had a mouse stuffed in his mouth. Douglas is great at catching mice but is awful at giving them up. I chased him throughout the house trying to grab him while this little creatures back legs flapped up and down as he bounced along with the occasional hiss and grr to say "this is MY mouse". Eventually I got him cornered and squeezed his mouth open then threw the mouse out the window, I wasn't sure where to put it so out the window seemed like a good idea. My father loathes mice, he's the stereotypical 1950s woman who leaps onto a chair if she sees one. I asked for his help in catching the cat which I knew was a waste of time, after I caught the cat and disposed of the mouse I sarcastically said "thanks for the help". I should sneak out of the house, find the mouse and attach it to the door handle of his car, that would be hilarious.

Before I forget I was talking about beds last Thursday and said I'd continue the next day which seems to of turned into almost a week. I've probably forgotten now.

It's Autumn (Fall to the Americans) now and won't be long till Winter, there's nothing better than waking up in a nice snug warm bed and knowing you don't have to get up. The only problem is I need to get a job, I suppose I could get a job in a bed shop. There's some nice ones in Glasgow like. I wonder if people would notice you sleeping in the beds as they did their shopping. It'd be great if they didn't, you could stay up all night playing computer games, go to work get into a bed, sleep till your shift is done then go home AND get paid at the end of the week/month.

I'll be staying on the bed subject but in order to link it I'll first say, whilst travelling around the blogosphere I came across this blog. At first I thought it was like one of those things where people discuss their insecurities which some of it is but most of it seems to be sex related. Now according to tv and films, mens favourite fantasy is being with two females at the same time. Now I can't be the first person to notice a major problem with this. If there's only one boat and two ports and the boat only sails once a day then there's going to be only one lot of passengers. Maybe the passengers booked their trip as a cruise or maybe as a mystery tour, some would have got tickets to go to port A and others would of wanted to see port B. That means only the passengers who wanted to visit port A will be happy, the rest of the passengers will be stuck at port A and whilst the people who booked the cruise or the mystery tour will be happy to look around the town at port A for a while the people who wanted to go straight to port B will be disgruntled. As we all know there's an economic crisis on at the moment so every shop needs some regular business to stay afloat. However if only the town at port A gets visited by the boat passengers then the town at port B will suffer, the tourist industry would decline and more than likely will result in job losses. This in turn will probably lead to migration and perhaps the people in the town at port B will move over to the town at port A and increase the population there.
If the people in the town at port B stay at the town at port A then this directly affects the number of passengers who'll board the boat, with only one port to visit you can't offer a mystery tour or a cruise and the people who want to go to port B will have to find alternative travel. With the number of passengers lowered the number of weekly trips to port B may become fewer in order to cut costs, if the number of passengers continued to decrease then the boat may go into disrepair and the captain may be forced to close down all sailing.

Maybe I'm naive or perhaps I'm just lazy but I don't see the point in cheating on your partner. You have to spend time cheating, then you have to spend time thinking up excuses when you could spend that time having a nap. Also with cheating you have to share the duvet again when you can do that with your wife. Americans have it great they get pay by the hour motels for cheats and hookers (not the rugby players) , that would be awesome while your wife is at home you can go to a motel and have 4 hours with a duvet to yourself. Only problem would be explaining it to your wife when it appears on your credit card bill every Thursday.

If you're worried about your partner cheating just introduce them to World of Warcraft then they'll not bother with anyone.

Tuesday, 6 October 2009

Tuesday 6th October 2009

Yesterday feels so long ago. I don't understand it, this time yesterday I felt better, today I feel like shit again. I thought the past few weeks I was getting more at peace with myself then today I just hit a low again.

I know that mental health is a subject nobody likes to talk about, it's personal and people who don't understand it don't know why you can't just snap out of it. They tell you " just be happy " , " there's people worse off than you " or "stop looking for attention". I can't explain it, I don't know why I feel so paranoid and down, I don't know why I sit contemplating hanging myself. I do know I want to feel better. I want my life to be better. I want to do something with myself. I don't want to be me anymore.

What is it that stops me from being happy? I don't know. I really just don't know.

Does religion help? I've always thought I don't deserve to be happy, it's not like I've done anything bad but I haven't done anything good.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Sunday 4th October 2009

Watched the Japanese grand prix this morning, it had a 6am start time in the UK. Nothing particularly exciting happened during it and I think I fell asleep somewhere near the end. DAMN YOU SUPER COMFORTABLE DUVET. Woke up sometime after 3pm had a quick pit stop then slept again till just after 6pm. So that's Sunday basically over....whoops. I blame the power of the duvet.

So if you work how the hell do you manage to get out of bed in the morning? Last time I worked was a landscape gardener from 7am - 7pm and I got home so exhausted I basically showered then slept till morning.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

Saturday 3rd October 2009

Depressing day, Falkirk lost yet again.

Motherwell 1 - Falkirk 0

Haven't scored in the past five matches and we've only scored three goals in the league so far. Not good enough really. We now sit bottom of the table again thanks to St. Johnstones win against Hamilton. Next match is after the international break against St. Mirren, a team we should hopefully beat but I'm not confident.

Now to a lighter matter,

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you

Her highness

Queen Victoria

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Thursday 1st October 2009

Another new month, time does fly when you're working napping.

Although seriously I wish I had something to do properly, I miss doing constructive things, I miss learning. Since leaving university I think I've read the books more than I did when I was meant too. Rather than sit and play computer games which is what I did at university I've started reading more, nothing particularly great, other blogs, science books and of course Punisher comics.

Yesterday I got a reply from the speculative letters I had been forced to write, it's amazing I get replies from them but not proper jobs. Sadly both of them were to say that they don't accept speculative letters and one even sent back the letter and my CV, which was depressing. They could of put it in the bin, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't find out unless I got a job as a refuge disposal worker and you probably need experience for that. Which I don't have. I can't even figure out which items of rubbish go in which bin? Why do we need 3? Why can't banana skins go in the brown one?

Also yesterday I was watching the Champions League match between Manchester United and Wolfsburg which ended 2-1 to Manchester United if you didn't know. That's not the relevant factor though, I decided to change my bed which is a confusing deal for me just like the bins. How often are you meant to change your bed? I only dribble on the pillows and I try to souk up any Irn Bru spills as best as I can so does it really need changed that much? Anyway changing the bed sheet is fine, changing the pillows is fine but changing the duvet cover is bloody hard. It never goes in the corners when you want it too and if you do manage to get it in the corners when you pull yourself out of the duvet cover before you suffocate you normally pull the duvet with you. I'm pretty sure this is the best reason to get married. Although weighing up the options of having the bed made for you and having to share the duvet is a close call.

The good news is I did finally manage to get the duvet cover on the duvet. I had changed from my summer, lighter duvet to my wintry warmer duvet. Bad decision. Now my bed is faaaaaaar too snugly to get out of. I've never woke up with a flock of geese on me before but I imagine it'd be like that minus the bird poo and loud squabbling. I suppose you could sleep under a pile of dead geese but I think the body warmth of the geese probably helps. The dead goose smell is probably worse than the poo smell too so I think sleeping under live geese is what you should aim for.

Speaking of poo, I hate finding the perfect spot in bed then realising you need to use the toilet. I suppose you could just go there and for a while it'll be warmer which is nice but then the urine would start to evaporate and you'd get colder and you have to deal with that smell. The smell would mean you have to change the bed more often like when you're a kid and it just seems like more hassle that it's worth.

Like all good inventors I've come up with a couple of designs for beds that allow urination so you don't lose your comfy spot. In both diagrams there is no duvet this is because I forgot. In design one I have gone for a gutter system similar to that of common urinals. The gutter needs to be at a slight angle so that the urine flows into the bucket for collection in the morning by your loving wife. You can add urinal cakes to the gutter so that the smell isn't as bad. The only downside is you have a gutter in the middle of your bed so might not be as comfortable as you'd like. You may also have to regulate the pressure of the urination to stop splash back.

Design two is for posher people who don't want a bucket sitting at the side of their bed for people to see. So here we have like a well in the middle of the bed which would be like a funnel with the bucket directly underneath. For women a spout could be placed instead of a funnel but could prove dangerous.

I'll leave it there for today in order for people to discuss my bed idea, tomorrow I'll go onto part two.