Thursday, 1 October 2009

Thursday 1st October 2009

Another new month, time does fly when you're working napping.

Although seriously I wish I had something to do properly, I miss doing constructive things, I miss learning. Since leaving university I think I've read the books more than I did when I was meant too. Rather than sit and play computer games which is what I did at university I've started reading more, nothing particularly great, other blogs, science books and of course Punisher comics.

Yesterday I got a reply from the speculative letters I had been forced to write, it's amazing I get replies from them but not proper jobs. Sadly both of them were to say that they don't accept speculative letters and one even sent back the letter and my CV, which was depressing. They could of put it in the bin, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't find out unless I got a job as a refuge disposal worker and you probably need experience for that. Which I don't have. I can't even figure out which items of rubbish go in which bin? Why do we need 3? Why can't banana skins go in the brown one?

Also yesterday I was watching the Champions League match between Manchester United and Wolfsburg which ended 2-1 to Manchester United if you didn't know. That's not the relevant factor though, I decided to change my bed which is a confusing deal for me just like the bins. How often are you meant to change your bed? I only dribble on the pillows and I try to souk up any Irn Bru spills as best as I can so does it really need changed that much? Anyway changing the bed sheet is fine, changing the pillows is fine but changing the duvet cover is bloody hard. It never goes in the corners when you want it too and if you do manage to get it in the corners when you pull yourself out of the duvet cover before you suffocate you normally pull the duvet with you. I'm pretty sure this is the best reason to get married. Although weighing up the options of having the bed made for you and having to share the duvet is a close call.

The good news is I did finally manage to get the duvet cover on the duvet. I had changed from my summer, lighter duvet to my wintry warmer duvet. Bad decision. Now my bed is faaaaaaar too snugly to get out of. I've never woke up with a flock of geese on me before but I imagine it'd be like that minus the bird poo and loud squabbling. I suppose you could sleep under a pile of dead geese but I think the body warmth of the geese probably helps. The dead goose smell is probably worse than the poo smell too so I think sleeping under live geese is what you should aim for.

Speaking of poo, I hate finding the perfect spot in bed then realising you need to use the toilet. I suppose you could just go there and for a while it'll be warmer which is nice but then the urine would start to evaporate and you'd get colder and you have to deal with that smell. The smell would mean you have to change the bed more often like when you're a kid and it just seems like more hassle that it's worth.

Like all good inventors I've come up with a couple of designs for beds that allow urination so you don't lose your comfy spot. In both diagrams there is no duvet this is because I forgot. In design one I have gone for a gutter system similar to that of common urinals. The gutter needs to be at a slight angle so that the urine flows into the bucket for collection in the morning by your loving wife. You can add urinal cakes to the gutter so that the smell isn't as bad. The only downside is you have a gutter in the middle of your bed so might not be as comfortable as you'd like. You may also have to regulate the pressure of the urination to stop splash back.

Design two is for posher people who don't want a bucket sitting at the side of their bed for people to see. So here we have like a well in the middle of the bed which would be like a funnel with the bucket directly underneath. For women a spout could be placed instead of a funnel but could prove dangerous.

I'll leave it there for today in order for people to discuss my bed idea, tomorrow I'll go onto part two.

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