Friday, 25 December 2009

Friday 25th December 2009

Post number 100 and it's going to be short and sweet


Merry Christmas everyone

Thursday, 24 December 2009

Thursday 24th December 2009

So it's Christmas tomorrow woooooooooooo...blah...meh who cares.

Need any ideas for last minute gifts? Well thanks to someone who I shall not name because she'll get embarrassed I can present you with the perfect gift . I actually can't believe it's real, it just seems like an item from a sketch show. Not sure how Rachal...um I mean the stranger who pointed it out to me found it. Reading the comments I almost died laughing, I'm not sure if they're being serious or taking the piss. I hope it's the latter.




Now here's something I wrote a few years ago

Ah well this might not be the exact proper christmas tale but if it was you wouldn't be reading it at anytime of the year. I feel the picture represents christmas well as it explains why so many puppies are given away.
The beginning

Our story starts in Nazareth, where upon we find Mary a young women whom is engaged to Joseph , a local carpenter.

Mary sits in the living quarters of their house darning some socks while her fiancé works in town. She is shocked by an extremely bright light appearing in front of her, a voice says " Do not be alarmed Mary I am Gabriel a messenger of god."

Still in shock from what she sees , Mary softly says " Are you that David Blaine? I didn't think much of your Ice tomb or standing on that pole. I read a book about some guy who hung from a cross, that was better. What are you wanting ? "

Gabriel looks slightly insulted, puts his head in his hands before announcing again " I am the ANGEL GABRIEL, Mary I am a messenger of God. "

Mary " What can I do for you Gabriel ? "

Gabriel " ( oh god ) I AM A MESSENGER OF GODDD!!!!! "

Mary " and.....? "

Gabriel " I have a FUCKING message from God for YOU!!!!"

Mary " ......are you trying to tell me something ? "

By this point the normally angelic Gabriel seems rather annoyed with the young woman, " OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! IM NEVER DEALING WITH BLONDES AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD , WHICH YOU SHALL CALL JESUS !!!!!! "

Mary " I dont really like the name Jesus its a bit old fashioned can I call him Brooklyn?"

Gabriel " No his name shall be Jesus "

Mary " What about Romeo?"

Gabriel " No!"

Mary " Stev..."

Gabriel " NO!!!!!" he shouts " The son of gods name will be Jesus "

Mary " Oh im marrying Joseph not God, I cant go around having other mens babies I'd end up on the Jeremy Kyle show, besides I dont no anybody called God , Where does he live? "

Gabriel " God ! You dont know god? He is the almighty creator of life, father of all human beings he resides in the place known as heaven."

The slightly confused Mary looks at Gabriel and answers " But my father is Bernard, Is heaven near Jerusalem? I don't think I've been before is it nice? "

The now crying Gabriel falls to his knees and weeps into a newly darned sock " Why god? Why ? Why me?!!! " he looks quickly at Mary and says as fast as he possible could " You are now pregnant with the son of God you must call him Jesus!!!!!!! Goodbye " and with that Gabriel disappeared as quickly as god had came inside Mary to get her pregnant.

Still confused Mary, speaks only to the empty room " Does he mean I'm to call god , Jesus?"




Later that evening Joseph came home from his extremely intellectually challenging job of being a carpenter.

Joseph " Honey I´m home "

Mary " Hey Joe "

Joseph " So my love what did you do today then ? " He asked whilst sitting down in his lazyboy armchair

Mary " Well I did some darning , fed the donkey, got impregnated by god after being distracted by an angel...oh and I've made your dinner dear, how was work? "

Joseph " It was fine i made...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY..." he looked shocked

Mary " Well you see joe...."

Joseph " MY DINNERS READY??!!! good im starving, I thought I'd have to wait ."

-------------------------------

10 mins later

Joseph " That fried battered fish was absolutely delicious my love "

Mary " Yes I thought it may go well with pieces of fried potato "

A few months later Joseph and Mary were married and they were travelling to bethlehem to pay a special tax. Mary was in no condition to walk so she was riding on the back of a donkey, guided by Joseph over the hills of Gallilee.

Mary " Are we there yet ? "

Joseph " Not yet, I can't wait to see girls aloud live in concert "

Mary " Yes about that Joe, I've been meaning to tell you we're not going to see girls aloud, We're going to....."

Joseph " ATOMIC KITTEN!!!!?"

Mary " No Joe we're not going to see any concert, we're going to pay a special tax"

Joseph "Awwww......Whats so special about this tax?"

Mary "Well.....um......you.....you get a free lollipop"

Joseph " WOW YEAH!!!!! I want a strawberry flavour lolly"

Mary " Ok "

Joseph "Hmm maybe a lemon flavoured lolly would be better, I've also enjoyed the taste of licking a lemon. Hmmm I think we should stop here and give the donkey a rest he looks tired "

Donkey " Too god damn right I'm fucking tired I've been carrying this fucking hefty lump on my back for miles, What da hell do I look like man ???!!!! A fucking Camel??!!!"

Joseph " My names Joseph "

Mary " Oh I'm sorry Joseph I didnt think you minded me calling you Joe "

Joseph " I dont mind that at all, my love "

Donkey " Joe you're so fucking bitched whipped "

Mary " Then why did you say your name ?"

Joseph " WHAT!!! Im not bitch whipped "

Mary " WHAT Did you say?"

Donkey " You're in trouble now "

Joseph " I was talking to the donkey my love "

Mary " Oh........? "

Donkey " Shes your love ? Fucking liar if she's your love why´s it me that has da god damn pain in the fucking ASS!!!\´

Joseph punches the donkey.
The donkey kicks Joseph in the stomach, this may go in for a while so lets skip to act 4


After the punch up with the donkey a highly bruised Joseph Guides Mary into bethlehem.

Bethlehem was crowded with a few people paying taxes but many coming to see the girls aloud concert.

Joseph mutters nder his breath " ( Damn ) "

Mary " Did you say something dear ?"

Joseph " No nothing my love "

Joseph and Mary tried several places but the answer was the same everywhere , there was no room . Joseph spied a place the hadn´t tried yet, it was called the way inn. Joseph walked towards what appeared to be the nearest door,

" BANG!!!!!" Joseph walked into a solid wall

Inn keeper " HA HA!!!!"

Donkey " HA HA "

" Your door doesnt work ? " says Joseph whilst nursing his delicate nose

Innkeeper " Ha Ha no cant you see what ive done, I called my hotel the way inn then put an arrow pointed at a fake door, it's sooooooooooooo funny HA HA!!!!"

Joseph " I didnt find it funny, hmmm do you have any rooms?"
I can offer you my barn "

Mary " Yes we´ll take that, thank you "

The innkeeper showed Joseph and Mary the barn they´ll have to share with some animals, for some reason Joseph's eyes lit up at this announcement.


In the hills overlooking Bethlehem a group of shepherds tend to there flock of sheep.
Suddenly out of thin air Gabriel comes to see the shepherds.

Gabriel " Do not be afraid "

Scared Shepherds " ARGH!!!!!!! You're that thing that keeps probing Eric´s bum "

Gabriel " No I am Gabriel "

Shepherd no1 " We dont care what they call you but its sick, Eric has to use so much savlon "

Gabriel " I have not touched Eric "

Shepherd no1 " yeah of course it wasn't you , appearing from nowhere , bright light and floating , what da fuck was it then? aliens???ha ha!"

Gabriel " Well it wasnt me I am the angel Gabriel I am a messenger of god i am here to tell you that he son of God is being born in bethlehem "

Shepherd no2 "Yeah bloodly likely story if ever I've heard one, Of course you are the ' angel' Gabriel , haha "

Gabriel " I am "

Shepherd " Totally believe you "

Gabriel " I AM "

Shepherd No1 " Call the funny farm "

Gabriel "Shut it "

Well we´ll leave them arguing and go to act 6


Meanwhile in Bethlehem...

Mary " ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Jesus " WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Joseph " Where did that thing come from ? "

-------------------------------

Elsewhere far away in the east we find 3 wise men studing the stars. Melchior, Balthazar and Samantha. They look into the night sky and see a bright star shining in the distance. They consult there star charts and discover that it means a new ruler has been born and Melchior may indeed win the lottery. They decide to go see King Herod at the palace as they assume thats the best place to check . They travel for a while and eventually reach the palace .

Melchior " Hello King Herod I am Melchior and with my other wise men Balthazar and Samantha we have come to worship your newborn child."

King Herod " What child ? Samantha? "

Samantha "Yes that is MY name "

Melchior explained to king Herod that they had seen it in the stars that a great ruler had been born. The King was intrigued by this and asked the 3 wise men to return when they had found him so he could worship the child too. The wise men left the palace and followed the star in the sky.

-------------------------------------------------

ADVERT!!! Dont waste time finding things you want through strange wise men .

Random bloke " I want to find a bakers in the high street ?"

Actor " Well text find high street bakers to 8454545782647654 "

" beep beep msg = bakers in the high street "

Random bloke " Wow thats great "

King Herod " I want to find Jesus the son of God , king of Jews, whipper of the ass "

Actor " Text find Jesus to 5634653636 "

" Beep beep msg = Jesus is located under a fucking shiny star in a barn in bethlehem "

King Herod " Wow thats great "

-----------------------------------------------------------



Going back to our barn in Bethlehem we find a confused Joseph coming to grips with the concept of what the innkeepers joke meant.

Mary " Do you understand now dear? "

Joseph "....so the Irish man was ......"

Jesus " There is no damn Irishman, no Scotsman and no Englishman you fucking walked into a wall "

Joseph "...hmm the Welshman..."

Jesus " NO!!!!!!"

Joseph " Mary where did that baby come from ?"

Mary " Well dear I just gave birth to him "

Joseph " But we havent had sex yet " he looked very puzzled

Jesus " Well I'm the son of god "

Shepherds " Hello everybody "

Everybody " Hello "

Shepherds " We've come to visit the king of the Jews and offer him these simple gifts of sheep "

Joseph " Oh sheep, I'll take those . Well since you've given birth does that mean we can't have sex for another 6 months?"

Mary "Yes "

Joseph " GOD DAMN!!!!"


Not long after the shepherds arrive and because I can't be bothered writing to much the 3 wise men arrive at the stable baring gifts for the new born ruler.

Melchior " I am Melchior and I come baring Gold "

Balthazar " I am Balthazar and I come baring the gift of Frankincense "

Samantha " I am the wise man .....( samantha ) i have come baring the gift of a ps3 with 3 games and an extra control pad "

Mary " What was your name I didn't quite hear it ?"

Samantha " Samantha "

Mary " Sorry "

Samantha " IT'S SAMANTHA "

Mary " I heard you the last time I'm just sorry , ha ha "

Samantha " GRRR........"

Mary " I thought you're suppose to bring the gift of Myrrh "

Samantha " Oh you heard that too , well thats just a rumour!!! ha ha get it rumour = ru-myrrh , ha ha I can make jokes too, you fat bitch "

-------------------------------

Meanwhile elsewhere

Donkey " Damn that hurts "

Joseph "Just shut up, you enjoy it really "

-------------------------------

Next morning

The 3 wise men all had the same strange dream that king Herod did not really want to worship baby Jesus but in fact King Herod was secretly Michael Jackson and wanted to take Jesus to neverland , the 3 wise men told Mary and Joseph to take Jesus to the safty of Egypt

The end

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Tuesday 22nd December 2009

So today I had my last session of CBT. I think I felt better which is good although that was dampened by the ice that is everywhere. If you can imagine Bambi with haemorrhoids then that's how I walk in this weather. My mother thinks I'm being overly dramatic when I stand yelling at her.

" IT'S ICY I CAN SEE IT'S ICY THE PAVEMENT IS SHINY!!! YOU WANT ME TO FALL. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO FALL FROM THIS HEIGHT?!!! IF I FALL AND DIE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT ICY? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO THINK!!! IT'S CALLED BLACK ICY. IT'S STEALTHY. AS SOON AS I GO OUTSIDE IT'LL APPEAR THEN WHAM... DEAD"

Now you may agree with my mother but seriously I have ice paranoia, if I do see the pavement shining my ass tenses up and I walk like an old man with his cane in the wrong place. I even get passed by old people when trying to walk, they're old and frail and they care less about falling than I do. I'm sometimes tempted to kick them but then I'd be on one leg and that's less stable than two. I think to myself I'm either going to fall backwards and bang my head or fall forewards onto the kerb and smash my teeth like in American History X. Yes that had Edward Norton smashing the guys face off the kerb but I'm unlucky.

Since it was my last session and I'm a nice person I got a tin a chocolates for the dude who runs the course and a card to say thank you. I didn't know what to write on the card especially since I couldn't remember his name which really isn't the greatest of starts. Then I started over thinking the gift. Is it rather gay?

At the end of the session I went to give him the tin and basically said these are for you to say thanks. Since he's really short I almost smashed him in the face but it's the thought that counts.

It's nice to be nice. If everyone was a bit nicer then the world would be a better place. Although this would lessen my chances of becoming a ninja.

There's quite a lot of young people out sledging which seems rather daft to me since it's not snow they're sledging on, it's basically ice. I suppose you go faster but when the hill goes onto a main road is that what you actually want?

Pointless fact, I keep singing Rod Stewart songs in my head.

I think there's a high number of teenage pregnancies around here because when you have a baby you have a pram and that gives you an extra 4 points of contact with the ground making you more stable on ice. Sounds like a good theory to me. You're have to plan 9 months in advance though and that's if everything goes to plan.

Sunday, 20 December 2009

Sunday 20th December 2009

Originally I was going to write about something rather amusing that had been pointed out to me this morning but I just heard Brittany Murphy died.

Now I wasn't a massive fan but it's just strange to hear someone die of cardiac arrest at only 32. I remember her mostly from the film Clueless which I seen growing up.

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Saturday 19th December 2009

GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!!!

FALKIRK WON AGAIN

Kilmarnock 1 Falkirk 2

Falkirk are now only a point a drift at the bottom of the table.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo we're gonna win the league.


Elsewhere in sport Rugby news .
The former Welsh rugby captain, Gareth Thomas has come out as gay. I've always wondered what percentage of footballers are gay since with 22 players on the pitch at any one time, not all can be straight. For a rugby player to come out it's quite a big deal considering how tough a sport it is.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Friday 18th December 2009

How to think positive?......

......I have no fucking idea.

Apparently as children we're taught to always be modest and not to praise ourselves for achievements. So teachers and parents are to blame for everything.

So if this is true how are you meant to act when you win something? Are you supposed to jump up and down and rub the losers face in it?

It just doesn't seem right. I guess you're meant to do it into your head and not aloud but isn't that just being fake in front of others?

I know I over think things but it's what I do. My brain is analytical. I'm a thinking person not a doing person. I think about getting up but instead I go back to sleep. Although when I do sleep I have some seriously fucked up nightmares.

Thinking just causes stress and stress sucks.

I almost forgot, since I've been away

Falkirk have had a draw with Celtic, drew with St Mirren last week and beat Hamilton 2-0 a few weeks ago. So thinking positive, Falkirk WILL win the league.

Falkirk FC website how scary is that kid on the front page?

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

Wednesday 16th December 2009

How do you make yourself happy?

I have no idea what the answer is but maybe I should start drinking and snorting sherbet.

I have recently discovered thanks to CBT that the way we question things in our mind effects us overall.

There's things called PIG beliefs and SET beliefs.

PIG is

Permanent
Internal
General

SET is

Situational
External
Temporary

Good things should be reinforced with PIG beliefs and bad things should be SET beliefs but with depression it's usually the other way round.

So how do you go about changing your thought process?

Again I have no idea but it's what I'm currently working on.

It just doesn't seem natural to be Scottish and happy.

Jesus died for our sins and if you only remember Jesus for one reason, remember this, never get nailed to a cross when you have an itchy nose. It's torture.

Monday, 14 December 2009

Monday 14th December 2009

Well finally my blog is undeleted.

Question is why did I delete it in the first place?

Well it's simple really, was feeling low at some point and was made to feel even lower by some other blogger. I was just being helpful and point out some things that were wrong about her blog. She didn't seem to appreciate that and also didn't comprehend the fact that she doesn't know everyone on the interent.

She said that Scottish people sound like drunk pirates, Damn bitch needs a good slap and deported out of my country back to America. I hate to call people stupid but when you believe standing on the shore of Loch Lomond is the coast then you are stupid.

So enough of the anger, although anger is what I'm good at.

So what have I been doing for the past two months?

Well to be perfectly honest nothing much. Still looking for a job which is not going well. In fact it's going awful. I haven't recieved any replies back in yonks.

I've been taking half inderal along with fluoxetine, I haven't noticed any difference with it but have noticed a different without it.

I've also been going to this CBT at the hospital. CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy although after my doctor told me to look it up if I have any questions I became rather scared. Apparently CBT is also something else, hopefully not done on the NHS though.

I've been going there for 6 weeks so far and will be there again tomorrow. It only lasts for 8weeks so will be over by Christmas. I basically sit in a room alone for 45 minutes talking to a laptop. Seriously. I'm not sure if you've ever heard a laptop say " Oh that's a shame" before but it sounds rather sarcastic. So I get mocked by a computer programme and that's meant to help me.

Seriously though I think it does help a bit, gives you tasks to do and questions to ask yourself when you feel anxious to try to break the thought process.

The guy who runs it is rather nice, very very short though.

It asks you if you've been feeling suicidal and on a scale of 0-8 rate how much you planned to go through with it. I answered yes once in the 6 weeks so far, when I got home, the doctor phoned me and discussed it. I don't like being any trouble so I doubt that'd make me want to be honest again. In future I'll just answer no whilst I try to cut my wrists with the F5 button.



Elsewhere in life it was the sports personality of the year awards last night. Can't believe Fabio won coach of the year for doing fuck all. Team of the year was the England cricket team, now they're just taking the piss.



Just eleven days till Christmas, done none of my shopping yet. Have no idea what I'm getting anyone. Writing a card for my friend in England but no idea what to write, everything seems so gay when you're trying to write to another male. Going back to the CBT, I'm pondering over the fact do I need to get a gift for the dude who works the thing? Just seems gay but then again he's been rather helpful. I hate being present when giving gifts to people, why can't I just get some chloroform and knock them out, leave the gift then run away. If it wasn't for the police investigation into possible rape afterwards that'd be the easiest way to do anything.

I wish I had thought of that while giving oral presentations at university, I could of just knocked them room out and pretended my talk was awesome.

If I had been good at debating I could of just chloroformed myself and still convinced them my talk was awesome but then if I was good at debating I would be able to give a good talk in the first place and not require chloroform at all. No fun in that though.