Monday, 14 December 2009

Monday 14th December 2009

Well finally my blog is undeleted.

Question is why did I delete it in the first place?

Well it's simple really, was feeling low at some point and was made to feel even lower by some other blogger. I was just being helpful and point out some things that were wrong about her blog. She didn't seem to appreciate that and also didn't comprehend the fact that she doesn't know everyone on the interent.

She said that Scottish people sound like drunk pirates, Damn bitch needs a good slap and deported out of my country back to America. I hate to call people stupid but when you believe standing on the shore of Loch Lomond is the coast then you are stupid.

So enough of the anger, although anger is what I'm good at.

So what have I been doing for the past two months?

Well to be perfectly honest nothing much. Still looking for a job which is not going well. In fact it's going awful. I haven't recieved any replies back in yonks.

I've been taking half inderal along with fluoxetine, I haven't noticed any difference with it but have noticed a different without it.

I've also been going to this CBT at the hospital. CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy although after my doctor told me to look it up if I have any questions I became rather scared. Apparently CBT is also something else, hopefully not done on the NHS though.

I've been going there for 6 weeks so far and will be there again tomorrow. It only lasts for 8weeks so will be over by Christmas. I basically sit in a room alone for 45 minutes talking to a laptop. Seriously. I'm not sure if you've ever heard a laptop say " Oh that's a shame" before but it sounds rather sarcastic. So I get mocked by a computer programme and that's meant to help me.

Seriously though I think it does help a bit, gives you tasks to do and questions to ask yourself when you feel anxious to try to break the thought process.

The guy who runs it is rather nice, very very short though.

It asks you if you've been feeling suicidal and on a scale of 0-8 rate how much you planned to go through with it. I answered yes once in the 6 weeks so far, when I got home, the doctor phoned me and discussed it. I don't like being any trouble so I doubt that'd make me want to be honest again. In future I'll just answer no whilst I try to cut my wrists with the F5 button.

Elsewhere in life it was the sports personality of the year awards last night. Can't believe Fabio won coach of the year for doing fuck all. Team of the year was the England cricket team, now they're just taking the piss.

Just eleven days till Christmas, done none of my shopping yet. Have no idea what I'm getting anyone. Writing a card for my friend in England but no idea what to write, everything seems so gay when you're trying to write to another male. Going back to the CBT, I'm pondering over the fact do I need to get a gift for the dude who works the thing? Just seems gay but then again he's been rather helpful. I hate being present when giving gifts to people, why can't I just get some chloroform and knock them out, leave the gift then run away. If it wasn't for the police investigation into possible rape afterwards that'd be the easiest way to do anything.

I wish I had thought of that while giving oral presentations at university, I could of just knocked them room out and pretended my talk was awesome.

If I had been good at debating I could of just chloroformed myself and still convinced them my talk was awesome but then if I was good at debating I would be able to give a good talk in the first place and not require chloroform at all. No fun in that though.