Thursday, 24 December 2009

Thursday 24th December 2009

So it's Christmas tomorrow woooooooooooo...blah...meh who cares.

Need any ideas for last minute gifts? Well thanks to someone who I shall not name because she'll get embarrassed I can present you with the perfect gift . I actually can't believe it's real, it just seems like an item from a sketch show. Not sure how Rachal...um I mean the stranger who pointed it out to me found it. Reading the comments I almost died laughing, I'm not sure if they're being serious or taking the piss. I hope it's the latter.




Now here's something I wrote a few years ago

Ah well this might not be the exact proper christmas tale but if it was you wouldn't be reading it at anytime of the year. I feel the picture represents christmas well as it explains why so many puppies are given away.
The beginning

Our story starts in Nazareth, where upon we find Mary a young women whom is engaged to Joseph , a local carpenter.

Mary sits in the living quarters of their house darning some socks while her fiancé works in town. She is shocked by an extremely bright light appearing in front of her, a voice says " Do not be alarmed Mary I am Gabriel a messenger of god."

Still in shock from what she sees , Mary softly says " Are you that David Blaine? I didn't think much of your Ice tomb or standing on that pole. I read a book about some guy who hung from a cross, that was better. What are you wanting ? "

Gabriel looks slightly insulted, puts his head in his hands before announcing again " I am the ANGEL GABRIEL, Mary I am a messenger of God. "

Mary " What can I do for you Gabriel ? "

Gabriel " ( oh god ) I AM A MESSENGER OF GODDD!!!!! "

Mary " and.....? "

Gabriel " I have a FUCKING message from God for YOU!!!!"

Mary " ......are you trying to tell me something ? "

By this point the normally angelic Gabriel seems rather annoyed with the young woman, " OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! IM NEVER DEALING WITH BLONDES AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD , WHICH YOU SHALL CALL JESUS !!!!!! "

Mary " I dont really like the name Jesus its a bit old fashioned can I call him Brooklyn?"

Gabriel " No his name shall be Jesus "

Mary " What about Romeo?"

Gabriel " No!"

Mary " Stev..."

Gabriel " NO!!!!!" he shouts " The son of gods name will be Jesus "

Mary " Oh im marrying Joseph not God, I cant go around having other mens babies I'd end up on the Jeremy Kyle show, besides I dont no anybody called God , Where does he live? "

Gabriel " God ! You dont know god? He is the almighty creator of life, father of all human beings he resides in the place known as heaven."

The slightly confused Mary looks at Gabriel and answers " But my father is Bernard, Is heaven near Jerusalem? I don't think I've been before is it nice? "

The now crying Gabriel falls to his knees and weeps into a newly darned sock " Why god? Why ? Why me?!!! " he looks quickly at Mary and says as fast as he possible could " You are now pregnant with the son of God you must call him Jesus!!!!!!! Goodbye " and with that Gabriel disappeared as quickly as god had came inside Mary to get her pregnant.

Still confused Mary, speaks only to the empty room " Does he mean I'm to call god , Jesus?"




Later that evening Joseph came home from his extremely intellectually challenging job of being a carpenter.

Joseph " Honey I´m home "

Mary " Hey Joe "

Joseph " So my love what did you do today then ? " He asked whilst sitting down in his lazyboy armchair

Mary " Well I did some darning , fed the donkey, got impregnated by god after being distracted by an angel...oh and I've made your dinner dear, how was work? "

Joseph " It was fine i made...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY..." he looked shocked

Mary " Well you see joe...."

Joseph " MY DINNERS READY??!!! good im starving, I thought I'd have to wait ."

-------------------------------

10 mins later

Joseph " That fried battered fish was absolutely delicious my love "

Mary " Yes I thought it may go well with pieces of fried potato "

A few months later Joseph and Mary were married and they were travelling to bethlehem to pay a special tax. Mary was in no condition to walk so she was riding on the back of a donkey, guided by Joseph over the hills of Gallilee.

Mary " Are we there yet ? "

Joseph " Not yet, I can't wait to see girls aloud live in concert "

Mary " Yes about that Joe, I've been meaning to tell you we're not going to see girls aloud, We're going to....."

Joseph " ATOMIC KITTEN!!!!?"

Mary " No Joe we're not going to see any concert, we're going to pay a special tax"

Joseph "Awwww......Whats so special about this tax?"

Mary "Well.....um......you.....you get a free lollipop"

Joseph " WOW YEAH!!!!! I want a strawberry flavour lolly"

Mary " Ok "

Joseph "Hmm maybe a lemon flavoured lolly would be better, I've also enjoyed the taste of licking a lemon. Hmmm I think we should stop here and give the donkey a rest he looks tired "

Donkey " Too god damn right I'm fucking tired I've been carrying this fucking hefty lump on my back for miles, What da hell do I look like man ???!!!! A fucking Camel??!!!"

Joseph " My names Joseph "

Mary " Oh I'm sorry Joseph I didnt think you minded me calling you Joe "

Joseph " I dont mind that at all, my love "

Donkey " Joe you're so fucking bitched whipped "

Mary " Then why did you say your name ?"

Joseph " WHAT!!! Im not bitch whipped "

Mary " WHAT Did you say?"

Donkey " You're in trouble now "

Joseph " I was talking to the donkey my love "

Mary " Oh........? "

Donkey " Shes your love ? Fucking liar if she's your love why´s it me that has da god damn pain in the fucking ASS!!!\´

Joseph punches the donkey.
The donkey kicks Joseph in the stomach, this may go in for a while so lets skip to act 4


After the punch up with the donkey a highly bruised Joseph Guides Mary into bethlehem.

Bethlehem was crowded with a few people paying taxes but many coming to see the girls aloud concert.

Joseph mutters nder his breath " ( Damn ) "

Mary " Did you say something dear ?"

Joseph " No nothing my love "

Joseph and Mary tried several places but the answer was the same everywhere , there was no room . Joseph spied a place the hadn´t tried yet, it was called the way inn. Joseph walked towards what appeared to be the nearest door,

" BANG!!!!!" Joseph walked into a solid wall

Inn keeper " HA HA!!!!"

Donkey " HA HA "

" Your door doesnt work ? " says Joseph whilst nursing his delicate nose

Innkeeper " Ha Ha no cant you see what ive done, I called my hotel the way inn then put an arrow pointed at a fake door, it's sooooooooooooo funny HA HA!!!!"

Joseph " I didnt find it funny, hmmm do you have any rooms?"
I can offer you my barn "

Mary " Yes we´ll take that, thank you "

The innkeeper showed Joseph and Mary the barn they´ll have to share with some animals, for some reason Joseph's eyes lit up at this announcement.


In the hills overlooking Bethlehem a group of shepherds tend to there flock of sheep.
Suddenly out of thin air Gabriel comes to see the shepherds.

Gabriel " Do not be afraid "

Scared Shepherds " ARGH!!!!!!! You're that thing that keeps probing Eric´s bum "

Gabriel " No I am Gabriel "

Shepherd no1 " We dont care what they call you but its sick, Eric has to use so much savlon "

Gabriel " I have not touched Eric "

Shepherd no1 " yeah of course it wasn't you , appearing from nowhere , bright light and floating , what da fuck was it then? aliens???ha ha!"

Gabriel " Well it wasnt me I am the angel Gabriel I am a messenger of god i am here to tell you that he son of God is being born in bethlehem "

Shepherd no2 "Yeah bloodly likely story if ever I've heard one, Of course you are the ' angel' Gabriel , haha "

Gabriel " I am "

Shepherd " Totally believe you "

Gabriel " I AM "

Shepherd No1 " Call the funny farm "

Gabriel "Shut it "

Well we´ll leave them arguing and go to act 6


Meanwhile in Bethlehem...

Mary " ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Jesus " WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Joseph " Where did that thing come from ? "

-------------------------------

Elsewhere far away in the east we find 3 wise men studing the stars. Melchior, Balthazar and Samantha. They look into the night sky and see a bright star shining in the distance. They consult there star charts and discover that it means a new ruler has been born and Melchior may indeed win the lottery. They decide to go see King Herod at the palace as they assume thats the best place to check . They travel for a while and eventually reach the palace .

Melchior " Hello King Herod I am Melchior and with my other wise men Balthazar and Samantha we have come to worship your newborn child."

King Herod " What child ? Samantha? "

Samantha "Yes that is MY name "

Melchior explained to king Herod that they had seen it in the stars that a great ruler had been born. The King was intrigued by this and asked the 3 wise men to return when they had found him so he could worship the child too. The wise men left the palace and followed the star in the sky.

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ADVERT!!! Dont waste time finding things you want through strange wise men .

Random bloke " I want to find a bakers in the high street ?"

Actor " Well text find high street bakers to 8454545782647654 "

" beep beep msg = bakers in the high street "

Random bloke " Wow thats great "

King Herod " I want to find Jesus the son of God , king of Jews, whipper of the ass "

Actor " Text find Jesus to 5634653636 "

" Beep beep msg = Jesus is located under a fucking shiny star in a barn in bethlehem "

King Herod " Wow thats great "

-----------------------------------------------------------



Going back to our barn in Bethlehem we find a confused Joseph coming to grips with the concept of what the innkeepers joke meant.

Mary " Do you understand now dear? "

Joseph "....so the Irish man was ......"

Jesus " There is no damn Irishman, no Scotsman and no Englishman you fucking walked into a wall "

Joseph "...hmm the Welshman..."

Jesus " NO!!!!!!"

Joseph " Mary where did that baby come from ?"

Mary " Well dear I just gave birth to him "

Joseph " But we havent had sex yet " he looked very puzzled

Jesus " Well I'm the son of god "

Shepherds " Hello everybody "

Everybody " Hello "

Shepherds " We've come to visit the king of the Jews and offer him these simple gifts of sheep "

Joseph " Oh sheep, I'll take those . Well since you've given birth does that mean we can't have sex for another 6 months?"

Mary "Yes "

Joseph " GOD DAMN!!!!"


Not long after the shepherds arrive and because I can't be bothered writing to much the 3 wise men arrive at the stable baring gifts for the new born ruler.

Melchior " I am Melchior and I come baring Gold "

Balthazar " I am Balthazar and I come baring the gift of Frankincense "

Samantha " I am the wise man .....( samantha ) i have come baring the gift of a ps3 with 3 games and an extra control pad "

Mary " What was your name I didn't quite hear it ?"

Samantha " Samantha "

Mary " Sorry "

Samantha " IT'S SAMANTHA "

Mary " I heard you the last time I'm just sorry , ha ha "

Samantha " GRRR........"

Mary " I thought you're suppose to bring the gift of Myrrh "

Samantha " Oh you heard that too , well thats just a rumour!!! ha ha get it rumour = ru-myrrh , ha ha I can make jokes too, you fat bitch "

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Meanwhile elsewhere

Donkey " Damn that hurts "

Joseph "Just shut up, you enjoy it really "

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Next morning

The 3 wise men all had the same strange dream that king Herod did not really want to worship baby Jesus but in fact King Herod was secretly Michael Jackson and wanted to take Jesus to neverland , the 3 wise men told Mary and Joseph to take Jesus to the safty of Egypt

The end

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