Saturday, 25 December 2010

Merry Christmas


Tuesday, 21 December 2010

God damn blisters

Been working for over a week now, done 6 shifts, just 9 to go then it's back to job hunting. Still having some major issues trying to sleep after work.

Working tomorrow and Thursday then off till the 27th then it's 4 nights in a row, new years eve off then working the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. After that I have to try change sleep patterns again.

Haven't had a driving lesson in a while, first due to the snow making conditions very bad, then work getting in the way due to sleep. Not sure when I should make my next one for. Have to re-book my theory test too, again don't know when for.

Keep injuring myself at night, I keep getting blisters on my left baby toe and my heels. Managed to slice my palm with a shelf  too. It's annoying getting cardboard cuts.

Friday, 17 December 2010

What the hell is sleep?

Been working for a week now, the job is fine, it's surprisingly not tiring but there is one problem. Sleep. When I finish I'm still not tired enough to sleep and I know I have to feed the dog at 12ish so I get an hour or two sleep before waking up again. After that I might get a few more hours but it's bloody hard to sleep.

The people are all mostly nice and friendly and the time goes pretty fast. Being tall helps a lot, means I don't have to use a Dalek / kick stool.

75% of the night shift staff seem to smoke, not sure if that's related to working nights.

Sunday, 12 December 2010


Well just finished my first shift, working 10pm till 7am. Surprisingly even though I only had a few hours sleep yesterday I wasn't tired at all and still aint :s One thing though, my feet hurt, need more comfortable shoes, tempted to get some black DCs and see if that's ok but I don't ken especially with Christmas coming up the store will stay open till 12 so the people might come in and see us.

Mostly older folk seem to work the night shift, everyone seems nice and friendly though, as someone I know says " ASDA BUDDIES!!" For Americans, Asda is owned by Walmart.

Working again tonight, just hope I remember.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

It's snow bother

Sometimes I just hate life, actually I hate it a lot of the time. With all this snow it's meant that my father has had to be home rather than be able to get to work and all he has done is play with stamps for an auction that got canceled due to the weather. I was meant to start work last Tuesday when the snow hit and it got canceled, it was pushed back. At one point my mothers car was stuck at my grans, so he suggested that we went and dug her out so she could come home. Once we got to Falkirk, with the dog in tow myself and the dog went up to my grans with a spade and he said to me he'd be back later. Working by myself to dig the car out of snow and a good few inches of ice I finally finished and he still wasn't back, an hour or so later he phones to ask where myself and my mother were.

He told my mother it was my idea to come dig her out so she could drive me to work in the morning even though I had said to him that he can do it. He said to my gran that he thought I was just staying overnight despite the fact I didn't bring clothes and I had no food for the dog.

Also my sister and brother in law aren't speaking to me which according to my mother it's apparently my fault, despite the fact I sent her a birthday card and a good luck text, to which I received no reply, I texted my brother in law when they were in London, to which I received no reply. When I got the job, I didn't get any congratulations, instead I got told by my mother that they just criticised the fact I had got a job and now had a puppy that needed someone to look after it whilst I was at work. Now I know I'm flawed but I can't see how being ignored is my fault. To make it worse, bumped into them in Falkirk, now I was going around a corner and not looking, like I normally do so didn't see them and they tell my mother I ignored them.

Now my father is complaining that I have a job and have to go to it in this weather. He's complained behind my back for 9 fucking years and now I do something and he fucking complains.

I'll be working night shift so I will be able to look after my puppy during the day and thank fuck I won't have to see people too much. If I get offered any holidays to work I'll be taking them, I hope I'll be working Christmas day cause I sure as fuck won't be spending it with family.

Despite all that, it's still just myself who I hate. 

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

It's a bit nippy outside

Well I got a job finally, only took 2.5 years, the interview was fun, got to play with marshmallows and spaghetti. Was supposed to start last Tuesday but the weather kind of ruined that so it was postponed until yesterday. Then yesterday it snowed again, took 30mins to do half a mile so it has now been postponed until this Thursday. I hate snow and I hate ice even more. However Tórshavn seems to love the snow, likes bouncing about in it and digging like mad. See

Keep forgetting to take some nice icicle pictures, this is all I have so far.

Monday, 15 November 2010

At the hospital again

Had to go to the hospital today for another ECG. I'm pretty sure it's just routine. It was at the new hospital in the area after most of the departments at Falkirk were moved. It's quite nice inside but the first thing you come across is a Starbucks, seems an odd thing to have in a hospital.

Went quite quick which is good, usually they run late. Was another old short lady like the last time, always find it uncomfortable but I guess an attractive young nurse would be a lot worse. Hate having to stand there topless before it begins and then afterwards wiping the gel of my chest like a cheap porno but I guess that's normally a topless woman and some sort of cream.

On Saturday I was at the psychiatrist again. I turned up on time and buzzed the buzzer, no answer. Waited 5 minutes, buzzed again, no answer, another 5 minutes, buzzed, no answer, this went on till just after 20 past. Finally someone came, he must of been another psychiatrist who was in a session, I felt really bad. The guy I was meant to see was running about 30 minutes late. Once inside I got taught how to hit myself, not violently but in a sort of tapping manner that is meant to help nerves.

Tór has had his second jab now so will soon be able to go on nice long walks.

Sunday, 7 November 2010

When should you tell a puppy that you're not it's real parent?

So with Tórshavn already reaching the 9 week mark and just 5 days till he gets his jag to able to go outside I was wondering what is the right age to tell him that he's adopted?

Dougie is a good few years old now and I've never told him, I'm fairly sure he hasn't worked it out yet either. 

Saturday, 6 November 2010

It's Tórshavn

Some pictures of my new puppy Tórshavn.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

It's been a fun week

Well on Saturday went to my first appointment at the psychiatrist and it only lasted around 20 minutes, got given a shit load of paper work to do for the next time which is great.

On the Sunday I went and picked up my puppy, got a Great Dane Cross, he's lovely. Unfortunately yesterday I started to have major breathing problems. I don't know why I just couldn't get any air into my lungs, felt like I had a vice on them and my throat was very tight. Had a driving lesson which I did try to go to but she sent me away after I sat down and couldn't say two words. Funnily I was bent over double most of the day almost laying in a heap and my mother who has worked in hospitals only said to me I shouldn't of been out last night.

Anyway eventually the doctor came to see me and gave me some steroids and a puffer thing to open my airways, he mentioned a virus which I'm hoping it is since I'm really worried that it was an allergic reaction to the pup. 

Friday, 22 October 2010


After well over a year of waiting I finally get my behavioural psychotherapy appointment. It's just over a week away ( the 30th ). Supposed to last for 45minutes and I'm rather curious to see what they'll actually do. I'm hoping it'll be a bit more than sitting talking to a laptop for an hour.

The accompanying letter gave a lovely detailed list of everything you can do to get yourself discharged and your GP informed. Now I have to remember not to sleep in or I've just wasted over a year on a list.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Back to the bottom

My life isn't exactly great, I can't say it's awful since I'm not homeless but it's still pretty shitty. I spend most of my time on my computer, a computer which is pretty old and pretty slow but I can't afford a new one. I went and got some new memory to hopefully make my computer a bit faster and make my shitty life that little bit less shit. Of course not knowing much about computers I bought the wrong one so I have to take it back. Did discuss what makes a computer faster with my brother in law and he obviously told my sister. Received a text asking where I got the money from to buy new RAM. RAM isn't exactly expensive but I find it insulting that she's asking me. She's probably went off in the huff at me cause I told her it was none of her business. Which it's not. I don't exactly do much with my life moneywise, go to the cinema sometimes and buy some food. I don't spend anything on alcohol and I buy clothes like once a year. My computer is pretty much all I have.

Bad enough that I look at facebook and see nobody has spoken to me in a month then to receive insulting texts from your own sister. I notice she never asked anything when I bought my brother in law a birthday present a few days before hand. Not exactly cheap either.

I could understand if I had bought a new computer or a car or something but a piece of RAM what the fuck. Get fucking treated like I've went and robbed someone. Fucks sake. That's how to make someone feel like shit.

Feel bad enough that the only actual male friend I have / had is pissed off with me because I don't like playing CoD because I'm shit at it.

Went to bed at 6pm and slept all night just because I didn't want to see anyone. I hate who I am. I hate being treated like I'm shit. I know everyone looks at me and talks about why I don't have a job behind my back. They don't realise how fucking shit I feel inside because I can't. I want a job. I want to stop being a fucking burden on people but I can't. All I get is rejection after rejection. I don't have experience, I don't have a fucking degree, I don't have any licenses. What fucking prospects do I have when the job market is already small and 100s of people going for every single job.

I used to be able to escape from my life into my computer, playing games but now that's gone and obviously trying to make your life a little more bearable isn't allowed.

I feel so fucking pathetic that one little text rips the last bit of self worth out of me. I'm bloody 27 for fucks sake and all I did was cry. Fucking wrong. Hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Really feel like just grabbing a knife and plunging it into my stomach. No one believes I would do it anyway. No one would care. Just one less thing for them to think about.

Ain't taking the meds anymore, gonna just see what happens.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

I wrote a little song

When I open that door
And lock it behind me
I begin to feel safe

I lift the lid
And check the seat
Before I get in place

I drop my trousers
I drop my boxers
And get ready for what I’m about to face

I grit my teeth
and close my eyes
relax my bowels and feel that sweet em-brace

It’s pooing time
It’s pooing time
That food has worked it’s way through
And now it’s time for me to go poo poo
Pooo Poooo

Hey there mr sweetcorn
Hey there mrs pepper skin
It’s lovely to see you
I enjoyed your nutritional value
But I hope we don’t meet again

It’s no offence to you
I’m sure you’re nice
But you’re covered in my faeces

On another note went to the doctors on Monday, didn't see my regular doctor but he reduced my medication further to 1 tablet every second day. Not sure how that'll go. 

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Seems memory can only store 2 things

Well this weekend I've been kitten sitting for my sister and brother in law. They recently moved house o a much bigger one, well that is compared to their old house. Sadly their older cat has got an aggressive type of cancer, I've known her since she was a kitten and it's just another low in her life after losing her brother. She seems very depressed, not sure if cats get depression but she just looks very sad. Thankfully she seems to be in no pain even though her back leg is about twice the size of her normal legs. She loves to get brushed so I've been doing a fair bit of that this weekend. Her medication is ridiculous, she has 2 tablets that she gets twice a day but one of them she only gets half a tablet and the other she only gets 1/6th. The tablet is only a couple of mm across, have you ever tried to cut a tablet into a sixth? I sprayed most of it as dust over the kitchen floor.

My sister got a couple of kittens recently which are shown above, one's male (Ash) and the other is female (Willow) sadly my sister didn't go with the names that I suggested. Like her older cat, the female kitten has medication to get, just an eye drop into her left eye twice a day. Not an easy task. I managed it last night but this morning I have no idea if the drop went into her eye or not, she wriggled just at the exact time I squeezed the tube then went off and licked herself. The medication says for external use only so now I'm paranoid that I've damaged her kitten. 

To make sure that I didn't forget to give the cat and kittens their medication I made a note of what they were to get and when on a piece of paper. Unfortunately it seems my brain can only hold 2 pieces of information at a time. Despite taking my own medication for over a year I managed to forget it yesterday.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Predictive text, using the cup to travel.

It's bad enough sitting on a bus when it's full but it's even worse when you text to complain about it and type cup instead. Anyways went to Falkirk earlier to see about volunteering, had to get the bus and after Denny it was packed, full of old and other strange people. Had two old neddy women behind me talking loudly and eating even louder, I hate hearing people eat especially when you can hear ever chew and their tongue unsticking itself from the top of their mouth. Sitting cramped in on a warm, sweaty, smelly bus already makes me feel sick but hearing the constant chewing is far far worse. One day I'm just going to snap and shout at people.

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

It's alive

Well I managed to fix my computer, I think anyway. Well it turns on now. Had to get a new power supply unit, fitted it myself which I'm proud of. Not sure I've done it right though since sometimes keeps beeping that something is loose.

When one thing gets fixed it normally means balance must be restored and hey presto the kitchen sink decides to get completely blocked. Been working on it for a few days but to no real success. The blockage is pretty well far down the pipe. Drain cleaners so far haven't worked. Fun fun fun.

Driving was going better till my instructor got a new car. She had a diesel now she has a petrol one. I'm finding it much easier to stall. My road positioning is getting a lot better but a cat ran out in front of me and I immediately swerved onto the other side of the road. Wasn't the best move to make. 

Monday, 30 August 2010

Still no computer

Still sadly lacking a computer.

Was out for another driving lesson today, basically drove for the full lesson. Lots and lots of roundabouts. Ended up with sore arms which isn't fun, I'm not particularly finding a good way to sit yet.

Monday, 23 August 2010

A lovely Sunday day.

Was a weird sunny rainy day today. Which really isn't that weird at all for Scotland. Haven't been feeling particularly upbeat for a wee while, not sure if that's related to the medication decrease. Anyways started out in Stirling, had a lovely chicken mayo baguette which was nice. Bought some jeans which of course I don't believe in trying them on in the shops, got them home to try on to discover I could get them up but they were rather on the tight side and couldn't get my nether regions inside. So I'll have to send my mum back to return them.

After that went to watch a pub football team, made me want to play football. I'm too unfit but Christ the goalie was pretty shite, seemed to have a wheelie bin full of pies beside the goals. Then went to watch Man utd play Fulham. Was sitting in Sportsters in Falkirk when suddenly the frigging door shattered. No idea what happened but the police turned up and took away some CCTV footage. Falkirk Herald will be anticipated now. As for the match it ended Fulham 2 - Man Utd 2 but don't worry, yesterday Falkirk beat Stirling Albion 3-0.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Computer problems again

Came back on Monday to find that my computer wouldn't turn on. For some reason it just sat there, flashing it's little green light at me. Not sure what happened whilst I was away but it's annoying.

Have been looking at computers for a few months, mainly for gaming but it's only wishful thinking at this current point in time. Slightly jealous of America at the moment, was looking up various sites and came across an American price comparison site . Has a lot of items for sale you can find on various sites including listings of Ebay, which is pretty damn useful. Would be great if there was a UK version available.

After looking at computers I took some time to look around the rest of the site. After spending time as a landscape gardener my eyes were drawn to various types of lawn mowers. Just look at Zero turn lawn mowers . If I was still doing lawns I'd love to have a ride on mower, which male wouldn't? Makes the job so much quicker and easier. I guess it's a lot of money but when you compare it to a normal push mower it'd take you less than a quarter of the time. Even when compared to a petrol mower you'd take half the time and do a neater more even job. You'd be able to do more gardens in the same length of time so eventually it'd pay for itself. Not all mowers are even that expensive Ariens lawn mower , it's not that much more than the price of a good petrol mower and would be a lot quicker.

I guess it all depends on the size of the gardens of grounds you're tackling. I had to work in a variety of gardens from large private ones to commercial ones and small home gardens. For commercial gardens and large private gardens where people except a certain level of finish you really need a good mower. I know from personal experience that certain types of mower such as petrol mowers used by local councils really don't work that well due to the small number of options you get for heights of the blades and since most councils are on a tight schedule they never adjust the heights from garden to garden. You end up with very patchy grass, sometimes even leaving bare soil and it just looks a complete mess. I think if I were doing it today I'd use Ariens lawn mower , it's relatively cheap and a good product that would allow you not to cut corners on workmanship at the expensive of time.

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Oh yeah I remember why I made this blog in the first place.

Been quite a while since I actually discussed the subject that actually started this blog. So here's an update.

Was at the doctors today after 2 months, I usually see him once a month but he was on holiday, although I won't see him again for another 2 months. We had a quick discussion about how the world was treating me and about how I looked happier, talked about what I was doing with my time, jobs and the obligatory question on the psychiatrist that never seems to contact me. It's a long long long waiting list but that's like a year now and still no word to even say I'm on the list. Anyways after discussing it and my doctor saying that medication can't cure anxiety we decided to reduce the dosage of my fluoxetine. I don't mind since I have no idea if it was doing anything and I do feel somewhat better. Well I think I do. I know I'm a lot less anxious than I was thanks to going out into public more and I can only remember feeling nauseous once in public in the past few months and that was because I wasn't feeling well.

So anyways along with halving the dosage we discussed coming off it all together eventually. That's where I'm slightly apprehensive since there's a lot of stories and evidence pointing to that being the worst stage and much more prone to suicide than at any other stage. So that's something to look forward to. 

Overall I think I do feel better apart from my self loathing on the fact that I'm a fat git which in turn leads me to eating. That's something I'll have to cure myself.

Monday, 9 August 2010

On the road.

Today I left the confines of the Falkirk Wheel car park and headed out on to the open road. Firstly I had to navigate one roundabout and head up into Camelon and around another roundabout and back again. So far I'm not that good with roundabouts, doing a lot of over steering. After successfully not hitting anything I drove further around another two roundabouts into Bainsford, managed to stall the car once. Which was fun. I managed to keep the car on the right side of the road so that's an improvement and managed to go at a constant speed without juddering along, so already I'm a better driver than my mother.

Driving instructor thought I was good enough to drive home and even if I wasn't it's only people in Denny who were at risk so that's fine. Coming back from Falkirk managed to do 50mph, which is legal since it's a 60mph speed limit, was going fine until I came to Denny Cross. Traffic lights were at red so had to stop, once they turned to green a very very very very slow moving old man decided that he'd cross the road, right on the way I was heading, so I had to sit in the middle of the road like a twit waiting on him. Far too many witnesses at that time to do Saints Row style driving.

However slowly and surely I seem to be getting better at it.

If I did hit someone would that mean my car insurance premium would go even higher? Hmm

Oh my sister also passed me whilst driving, I never noticed her but she noticed me, she told me that I seemed to be doing fine. She of course didn't see me in Bainsford holding up the traffic after panicking. My anxiety still exists.

Saturday, 7 August 2010

Things to not read before bed

Yesterday my small friend Marti went to see Twilight Eclipse, poor guy, I've already suffered seen it so I know how bad overlyhyped it is. However with that being said there is a lot worse films out there... like Remember me. Now that film is bum numbingly dull, I had to suppress laughter when standing in the queue in HMV with the people in front talking about how great the film is but how sad the ending is, they cried all night apparently. I had cried quite a bit during it too but for vastly different reasons. Sadly I know some Robert Pattinson fans, who are slightly crazy and will kill me if I dare say anything bad about him.

However as bad as Remember me is, there's worse, there's Wicker Park. I had to sit through that for a friends birthday, being the only questionably straight male at it I was vastly outnumbered in the film choice. By the end of the film my posterior was so numb that I was at genuine risk of being someones piece of pie without even noticing. If you ever want to torture someone, force them to watch Wicker Park. Seriously.

Now those are films that are in the past, there's one in the near future that gives me nightmares by only reading the synopsis. The human centipede. I hate horrors. I hate the Saw franchise. I hate the idea of Hostel but they sound to me like Mary Poppins compared to this film. I shall be taking my axe to bed to protect me.

Speaking of nightmares, I've come to realise that in the not too distant future I'm going to be requiring car insurance. I have no real idea about how much car insurance costs but it must be a decent business for car insurance companies to horrify us daily with a man yelling " Go Compare" . I'd much rather do business with a talking soviet meerkat. Come to think of it car insurance adverts are pretty damn surreal. You have a bulldog who can talk, a telephone and computer mouse that speed around on set and can talk but have no eyes or mouth, a meerkat in a smokers jacket living in a stately home who speaks with a Russian accent, a group of weirdos from the public, a scary tenor and an Admiral who's selling car insurance rather than boat insurance. Think there's an elephant somewhere too, not like in general since there's quite a few elephants dotted around but like Elephant car insurance or something along those lines.

Not sure where my train of thought was going but I did learn that the car of my dreams, the Mitsubishi L200 would be too expensive for me to insure. Sad I know.

Tuesday, 3 August 2010

So you're not supposed to brake that hard?

Had my second driving lesson yesterday, I think it went okay but to be honest I'm not really getting the hang of it. For example the push-pull system of the wheel is a concept I just can't grasp, I keep trying to turn the wheel 360degrees without moving my hands out of position. Sooner or later I think I'll realise my arms can't go through each other.

I can't seem to change gear without looking at the gear stick, it's not very helpful to take your eyes off of the road.

This time I had to drive to different car parks and around roundabouts. Again steering is an issue, I either forget to steer or try to steer too much. Go around a roundabout you're supposed to keep you hands in one position, I kept moving mine and kept turning. I also managed to go 40mph in a 30 mph zone, whoops. I struggle with the concept of light touches to the accelerator and when she says brake I BRAKE, full foot on the brake in a move that could decapitate or result in a lovely windshield cannon move.

The Falkirk wheel is quite a popular tourist attraction so you there are other cars on the roads near it, often the people are from other countries so you never know what they might drive like. Fortunately I too drive like I'm foreign, on the wrong side of the road. 

Next week I'll be out on the open road. Wooooooooooo.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

Oh hello stupidity

The phone rang yesterday, I picked it up and said "hello" , no answer, I said "hello" again, still no answer, the line wasn't dead I could hear movement. " Hello?" I said once more still no answer but this time I could faintly hear someone. Annoyed I hung up and went back to what I was doing. Wasn't till a little while after I looked at my phone and noticed that I had rung the house from my mobile in my pocket. It was me who I heard moving.

Mystery solved, about an hour later the phone rang again, " Hello?" I answered to which there was no reply, I repeated the process and still no answer, suddenly I remember what I had done earlier and yup it had happened again, I had been talking to myself yet again. 

First driving lesson went okay, only problem being when asked questions I tend to give my answers in a sequence of words, actions and noises. She had asked what happens when a car stalls so I gave a demonstration of the noise and a little shudder of a stalling car. I wasn't particularly good at what she was telling me to do, I couldn't get the hang of steering the way she wanted me to do it, the peddles were a lot more sensitive than my normal xbox controls and being rather tall I didn't fit particularly well into her little Suzuki Swift.

I know I'm intelligent but I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to drive, you're supposed to not think and let the actions come naturally. I can't not think. I need to consider everything I'm doing and that usually means I forget something. Both my sister and mother are awful at saying which way is right and left but I'm normally pretty good at it, however when in a car I seem to forget everything.

Oh well at least I got a trip to the Falkirk Wheel. 

Monday, 26 July 2010

It's about time

After many years of using my legs I've finally decided to actually try to legally learn to drive. Of course I'm already an expert thanks to computer games like Project Gotham Racing, Forza and Need for Speed so this should be a cake walk. However I've failed to learn how to use brakes and prefer to use other cars to get around corners "safely" so that could be a minor issue.

My lesson isn't till this afternoon but that just gives me time to build up my anxiety, I'm already worried about killing someone. I've never been good at exams and with my nerves I can't see an instructor passing me. It will open up more opportunities though, more job prospects and of course will help me survive in the mean streets by offering the security of a revenge drive by.

However I can just picture myself passing out or opening the door and running away, with or without the car being stationary.

Friday, 16 July 2010

People still don't listen

The other day someone phoned our house, my father answered and the person said " Yo there's a problem with your computer" now the normal person with common sense would automatically think yo is a strange way to start a business conversation but not my father, he just said to the person of foreign origin that it was his wife who dealt with that and passed the phone over. Now my mother does have an issues with her computer but she's also rather naive so when the person claimed to be Microsoft she blindly believed them.

She sat down at her computer and proceeded to be her helpful self, doing everything the man told her and even trying to joke with them. They directed her to a site nothing to do with Microsoft which lets people have remote access to your computer from anywhere in the world. Hmmm that seems odd but of course they told her they were searching for the problem. Now she sat there for 40 minutes letting them have free range of her files before it asked her to buy something, which at that point she did make some excuses and hang up. The people on the other end didn't hang up though.

Now at that stage I appeared and used my mobile to phone my brother in law who has a good understanding of computers, he told me to disconnect the internet and switch everything off. Which I did.

Meanwhile my father is phoning the house trying to see if he gets through, no still engaged. Chris then says to dial 1471 and get the number to give to the police, I tell my father to dial 1471 and it comes back with a mobile number. I log onto the police website and start looking at forms, I suddenly think of something and ask my father what HIS mobile number is. He doesn't know so goes and looks. Comes back AND the number matches the one he gave me.  

The day after I tell my mother NOT to switch on the computer explaining that it's most likely there will be programmes on her computer to muck up the firewall and virus scanner. I come back later to find out she has used her computer and says it's fine. She doesn't actually know it's fine, she's just saying that. I told her to at least phone her bank and warn them. Does she do that? No instead she logs into her bank account online whilst I'm telling her about keyloggers.

Ah parents are fun.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

Huhs and lisps

Strange title I know but it has some relevance. Woke up a few times during the night and replied to text messages, well at least tried to. I assume everyone knows about predictive text so what you're aiming to type doesn't always come out the way you want it, especially when you're mentally still asleep. It can lead to some bizarre and possible worrying messages being sent.

I probably should start turning my phone off at night but I never really get round to it. I'm pretty good at losing my phone so if it's on I at least have the option of phoning myself to find it.

Spent the morning and early afternoon watching the British grand prix, wasn't too bad, nothing overly exciting after the first lap. I've always wondered how Formula one makes it's money, I'm guessing there's no mega big prize funds at the end so is it all via sponsors? If so surely since Red Bull own their team and they have their own logo on the cars it means they're losing money? Ach well.

Just under 2.5 hours until the world cup final kicks off, hopefully Holland or the Netherlands will win.

Elsewhere in the world I spent the day proving to my father that the tv downstairs doesn't get a good picture due to the aerial from the roof being half way down the house. Even after showing him physical evidence he still says the picture quality has nothing to do with the aerial.

Sunday, 4 July 2010


Sometimes I just hate waking up. I know that I over think and analyse things but somethings just stand out. Like when people don't talk to you for a while. Maybe they're just busy but maybe I've offended them. Not sure how but that's what I think. Maybe they just don't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just annoying. There's a lot of maybes and they all end up negative. I'm not entirely sure what I should do about it. Like when I left school for university you try to keep in touch with your friends from school but when they don't phone you back you don't want to seem like a weirdo and call them again incase they just want rid of you. Then you just leave it for years and years. Of course being me I never really made friends at university either. Ah shyness and social awkwardness how you've molded my life.

Saturday, 3 July 2010

New header

Have a new blog header thanks to my good friend Rachal. She made me a few different ones but sadly I don't know how to save them so the gif animation ones actually work.

Thursday, 1 July 2010

Soon be time for Santa

Can't believe it's July already. Half of 2010 already gone. Just seems so quick.

Most of the year seems wasted, I've been trying to get fitter, gave up on the Irn Bru, been trying harder to get a job, started volunteering and have went out more. Hoping that it will help to lower my social anxiety. So far it has.

Still missing the feel of doing something constructive though. Haven't had a single reply in months. 

Monday, 21 June 2010

I'm Scottish I shouldn't have to deal with warmth.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't particularly like warm weather. I don't cope in it at all. I HATE sweating and I do it a lot. It's not even July yet and it seems to be bloody boiling outside. How I long for Autumn, that lovely time of year when it's not too warm and not cold enough to worry about ice.

Anyways, back in the real world I recently put my name down for volunteering at the Seagull trust and on Saturday went along to an open day to see what I can do. Had a brief presentation which seemed to go on too long for my liking, started to panic but didn't give into the fear. After that went out on a barge for a wee cruise, not easy when you're about twice the height of the inside, sitting down. Was a lovely peaceful way to see the canal though, I sound so old.

Elsewhere in the world the World Cup is still going on, it seems to me like it looks like it's playing Fifa on world class mode, running around not making many chances and having to 1 touch the ball before you get whacked by the computer. Although sadly today North Korea were playing on beginner setting, got humped 7-0 by Portugal. 

Wednesday, 16 June 2010


Miaow screeched first mate Dougie, I turned to the door to see what he had spotted, MIAOW he yelped again as he caught sight of my eyes. I turned back to what I was doing, MY GOD, I said, DOUGLAS DOUGLAS, I've found it. After three treacherous days, I had discovered the floor of my room. It lay hidden beneath an Index catalogue from spring 2003. This will be the day that goes done in history. Miaow said Dougie, it wasn't the floor that he had seen, it was the time, 4pm, feeding time.

I pulled down my clean towel mask that had been protecting me against dust and went to feed Douglas, mmh beef in gravy.

Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Too much time

Whilst I'm working on the cleaning, I keep my head focused on the goal of a nice clean room where you can actually bring someone into and not need to be vaccinated first. I actually don't vaccinate people at the moment but the quarantine zone is getting too crowded and keeping people locked up for 6months is apparently kidnapping.

Along with being able to bring people in, I want to move my computer so I'm not surrounded by food every time I log on. Unfortunately for me my computer is getting rather old, preferably I'd have a nice Alienware computer 
but they're slightly out of my price range just now especially with the lack of a job. I can live and dream though.

And you thought old tv guides were bad......

Yeah, I thought finding some 2004 tv guides whilst cleaning was bad, that was until I discovered a decomposing plastic bag, isn't that shit supposed to have like a 1000year half life? Oh well never mind, do you think 2003 Argos catalogues will be worth anything on Ebay?

At least I know I'm getting closer to the floor.

I seem to of pulled a muscle in my ass.

I had no idea what I was going to title this post until I sat down and noticed my buttock seems to be rather sore. The left cheek, no idea why. Spent the day cleaning, found a few tv guides from 2004, that really makes my last cleaning attempt look worse. I'll start on 2005 soon.

Been sneezing for the past hour which is always fun, will probably have whiplash soon, maybe I have it in my left buttock.

Lets see what else is new, well I walked through the living room earlier to see my cat licking his crotch and his little excited pink member peering out, you were right Chris, he did like you.

Been watching the world cup, sadly England didn't lose.

Went to Glasgow a few fridays ago, got there and discovered I didn't feel well, spent the next hour in the train station bog, getting my 30p worth, then another 30 odd mins in another bog. Not sure what is worse, paying to not eat at an all you can eat buffet or buying a train ticket to go to the toliet?

Back to sneezing again.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Haven't posted in a while

Having major trouble sleeping. Keep going to sleep at a normal time like midnight then waking up around 3am. Just lay there trying to get back to sleep for hours on end but nothing ever seems to happen. That is until I get up, do something vaguely constructive like typing on here then have breakfast and I'll fall asleep until lunch. Not on purpose.

Other than that I keep having weird dreams and nightmares. It's just horrible to wake up after a vivid dream all warm and covered in sweat.

I have to admit I'm becoming depressed again, nothing socially, it's employment. Applying for more and more jobs in the hope of getting something but to no avail. Nobody even replies. There must be something I can do. I just want to be able to get out of this hole and start building my life.

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Out of Tune Idol 3

Head on over to Mean Girl Garage to see me in action along with Puggled out and Marti singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Do politics lack moose? Ah it's all I could come up with.

I was watching tv tonight, mainly comedy but did see some parts of the second political debate. So far I've concluded that David Cameron is a bit of a twat. He seems to talk nonsense, not that I agree with any of the other two main parties either.

Anyways why do the three biggest parties get the most attention, surely that's unfair to the others. I mean yeah it's more likely Manchester United or Chelsea will win the league but you can't discount Forest Green Rovers.

To me Nick Clegg looks like David Cameron and Gordon Brown is just under a pile of shite left by Tony Blair. I can't see why they don't get the green party to come on, now there's some good policies.

Friday, 9 April 2010

As Johnny Cash would say......

.........nothing, he can't talk, he's dead.

I talk about it a lot, well to myself at least but how do you accept compliments and stop putting yourself down?

Girls like a confident male, I'm only confident that I'm not confident which apparently doesn't count as confidence.

I guess there's different levels of confidence, there's arrogance where you think you're awesome. Modesty which is good then at the bottom there's self harming vet, the guy who keeps putting himself down.

Over the past month there has been a change in my luck and coping with anxiety does seem to be getting better. Have had some help though. Going from being too anxious to eat to enjoying a meal in public in a matter of weeks is pretty damn good. Obtaining self belief is pretty damn crucial and every time I don't die seems to indicate I might not die next time either. However I do prefer to have the amber lamps on stand by.

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

The art of sleeping.

Seriously I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I go to bed, lay down then some time goes by and I wake up after only 2 frigging hours AND somehow in that space of time I've managed to text someone saying " Can't remember anything ". WHAT?!! I don't know now I can't remember anything, it must of been a premonition.

Sunday, 28 March 2010


It's been a while since I wrote anything. Don't know why but it has been.

It's now 3:20 am thanks to BST and today I turn 27. Say happy birthday and I'll smack you. Seriously.

I'm thinking a lot but I don't know how to translate those thoughts into words. Most of the thoughts I haven't had for a while. I know it's not a natural way to think but I can't help it. I haven't been able to sleep recently, waking up after a few hours having vivid nightmares, just feels pathetic for a grown man to wake up in a cold sweat wishing he had someone to hold. I don't think I'll ever have someone though. Girls just don't want what I can offer....which is lightbulb changing....without the ladder. Even when you do meet a nice girl you like who likes you the fact she likes you makes it feel even worse, you just know it'll end sometime and the best thing to do is just to turn around and say you can't speak to her anymore then you won't be hurt.

I know this isn't the way you're meant to think but it's what my brain tells me. I have intelligence, I have imagination but I hate my brain. I hate what it does to me. I get so nervous, so nervous when sitting in a resuarant I couldn't eat. That's just fucking pathetic, I paid to sit and not eat at an all you can eat buffet.

What can I do with my life? I don't know. I'm pretty much useless. I lay awake and consider ending it but I can't, I can't bare the thought of who finds you. I don't want to think like this and it's one sure fire way to stop it but I can't, I don't want to, I want to get better. I want to do something worthwhile.

I'm lost in my mind and nobody knows.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Panic in the streets of Denny, Panic in the streets of Dunipace......

Oh how fun life is, went to get my hair cut since it badly needed it. Hairdressers was empty, good that'll help the anxiety. Well I thought it would. Two seconds after sitting down start to feel faint and sweat a lot, hairdresser is quite attractive and that made it worse. Wanted to apologise so badly for being all icky but couldn't get the words out. Instead just sat there like some weirdo betting like a switch.

Slam head table. Repeat.

It is rather disheartening not to be able to do something so simple without fear of looking like a convict hiding from the police.

Monday, 15 March 2010

The connection light of happiness.

Today I'll start with a poem if my internet decides to behave.

Little connection light not flashing there,
making me pull out my hair,
you seem to me to be extremely stable,
which results in me not able,
to check my emails or play my games,
it makes me consider Virgin to be real lame,
I think you enjoy putting me in distress,
but I'm gripping my axe like it started with all the rest,
the graphics card, the television and the phone,
to name just a few that went wrong,
patience is a virtue that I don't possess,
so I'm going to find you, chib you and hack you into little pieces,
feed you to people till you become faeces.

Internet or router or something isn't working properly so bit annoyed with it, luckily I'm an understanding man.......

Monday, 8 March 2010

Chuggers, cooking, runners and of course the obligatory moose.

Lets see what day is it today? Oh that's right it's Monday. Got a few days worth of information stored up, just a shame I can't remember it all properly.

Lets try and start with Friday. Firstly I went over to Falkirk, met my brother in law in town and we went to get ingredients for cooking. After a quick trip into Waterstones since I had forgotten to bring the recipe and couldn't remember what I actually needed to buy we were attacked by a midget chugger who came up to us and asked...

" You know what I want don't you?"

I replied " No......."

She asked again.......again I said no.

She then turned to Chris ( Chris is my brother in law, I'm getting fed up writing that all the frigging time ) and talked about charities. I can't remember the whole conversation but I made some Falkirk based jokes. We eventually escaped her clutches and went into the Jeremy Kyle audition centre and made our way to Marks and Spencers, picked up what I guessed we needed then made our way out after chibbing some old people who got in our way.

Soon after our exit from the incredibly warm shop known as Markies we were once again attacked by a chugger, this time a little blonde one. She quickly came between us and put her arm around Chris and tried to get me too but I was smart, I stepped to the side. After making it clear we weren't interested in anything, she told us a joke, a very very bad joke.

We then went swiftly to the butchers to obtain the main part of the meal, the beef.

After noticing he had plenty of time I went with Chris to the cafe where he was meeting his friend. I did feel rather panicky in the place but for some reason after moving to a different table where I could see the window and freedom after Chris's friend arrived I felt calmer. Finished my drink and left them in peace as I went to subway for a lovely footlong sweet chili chicken sub.

Some time went by then I made dinner of a basic beef stir fry, it was quite nice but not the best thing I can cook. Both my sister and Chris said it was good and I ken I should accept the compliment but I can't help but think they're just saying it's good to not hurt my feelings.

This was also the day that I started my moose smuggling business, Chris had got me an early birthday present. A moose. From now on he'll be known as Montgomery. Despite the language barrier myself and Montgomery bonded fast. We were to become good friends.

In the last afternoon I received a phone call telling me someone had phoned about my CV and wanted to speak to me. My father had told my mother this, not sure why I wasn't the person to notify. He also didn't tell her the persons name or the company it was for so the message was frigging vague. With the use of the internet I managed to find out who it was and proceeded nervously into phoning them. I called twice but no answer, it was soon after 5pm and didn't think anyone would be there. I then phoned my father to quiz him on it and ask the persons name but nope he didn't remember.

This is a man who complains I don't have a job, he complains when I don't take messages for him, complains I do nothing when he fucking doesn't do anything to help. He doesn't understand anxiety, he doesn't understand depression, he doesn't actually know what I want to do, he doesn't know anything about what I know how to do. I spent years studying science, science is what I know. I apply to a fair amount of jobs, I hate not doing anything. Just sitting is making my anxiety worse. I want to do something constructive. I don't want to be a bum. In a year I've had a lot of rejection letters, 2 interviews and now a phone call about a job and he doesn't take an appropriate message and doesn't even fucking tell ME!!! the person who it's fucking for about the fucking phone call.

What makes it even fucking worse, I come home to find he blames my mother for not giving me the message soon enough. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I have no idea how I've managed to never swear at my parents.

Later that night we watched Smoking Aces, I'm not sure what type of film it's meant to be but we found it pretty funny.

On to Saturday. A day of fun and frolics.

Chris's uncle was running in a double marathon so we went a long to watch. I felt a bit anxious at the first checkpoint we visited and did think I was going to collapse into the canal. What fun that'd be.
Montgomery at the Falkirk wheel supporting Chris's uncle and cheering on the other runners. The second picture has some advice that would of been useful to some ravers later in the day.

Before leaving the Falkirk Wheel he visited the memorial to the brave parachuting Teddies who lost their lives back in September 09 .

From there we went onto Muiravonside country park. It had been a long trip for Monty so he had a rest

Before sampling the national drink

and phoning his family back in Sweden.

After phoning his family, Chris, my sister, Montgomery and myself went up to the Aquaduct to cheer on the runners.

The path was very narrow so we had to stand at the end. Monty rushed out and attacked a runner who then came hobbling up to us on the brink of tears, we denied all knowledge of the moose and for the rest of the day put him in a disguise.

On the way back to the car, Monty had another drink

before grazing on some good Scots grass

After reaching the car we drove along to another spot which had more ned cars per person than any other place in the world.

We then drove on to the second last stop and Monty tried to board a bar barge for a drink. Moose were not allowed.

Getting increasingly more hungry Monty decided to stealth himself and wait for the hobbling runners to pick them off one at a time.

The runners took their time so he watched a donkey try to mate with a Shetland pony. No pictures of it.

It grew darker and darker, coming across a mild mannered man taking pictures of the sunset, Monty tried his hand at photobombing.

The day came to a close and Monty thanked everyone for a wonderful day by emitting a small beam of light through his antlers.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Brick walls and running through them.

Today wasn't my best day in a while. Nothing bad happened just a minor setback on the anxiety coping confidence.

Firstly was at the dentist in the morning receiving a check up, got there and due to an emergency there was a 15 minute delay. Walked into the waiting room to see it jam packed. Most of the people were more emergency patients. I waited for 20 minutes before I started to become very anxious, eventually stood up, went to reception and asked if it was ok to wait outside. Girl looked at me weird, she only looked about 16 and asked if I wanted to wait in my car, I replied no before stating just stand outside. Again she looked at me weird. She said it was fine and off I wandered to the door, fresh cool air and freedom.

I was thankful to be outside, another 20 minutes pass before the dental nurse comes taking me in, panic sets in. I've known my dentist for years but today I just felt awful, lying there waiting, she kept talking. I nodded politely to everything, trying to hide my anxiety. It didn't last long but in my eagerness to run away managed to whack my head off the dental light.

Back to reception to book my next appointment, girl still looking at me like I'm another species.

Thankfully back out into the fresh crisp cold air and off to walk to my sisters house to see my brother in law.

I really like just walking along listening to music, seems so much easier to breathe.

Anyways, after meeting up with my brother in law, we headed over to Stirling. In the Thistle Centre and I start to feel anxious again. I don't know why, I can't explain it, just hit me. We went back outside, I started to calm down then we went for lunch, I felt faint, anxiety again. I felt like punching myself and screaming don't be such a pussy, all you're doing is going into a shop.

During lunch I start to calm down, had a good talk with brother in law which helped. Afterward we wandered up to the Castle and graveyard. Graveyard was really peaceful. After a walk and an encounter with some ice, bugger just crept up on me. We dandered back into town and offski home.

I know it's more of a girl thing to worry about but can't help noticing I look fatter. Trying to eat less and exercise more just doesn't seem to be working. Gives the confidence another hit.

Got to keep trying. Got to keep going into public. Got to keep exercising. I can beat it.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Singing makes you feel better

You may remember that I took part in a bad singing competition over at Jules , this time I'm not taking part but my brother in law is as well as Marti.

Quite hard who to choose for between family and friend, although my brother in law did start his video with a picture of me so that gives him some negative points. He'll learn one day that I dislike cameras.

My brother in law sang Ring of Fire, quality song by Johnny Cash. Much to my sisters disappointment I introduced him to the joys of Johnny Cash and his less than happy songs. Also it's a strange fact that one of the first times I met him we ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody in a white van on our way back from Ikea.

Now Marti, he sang stand by your man. His voice to me is really quite posh and I've heard him speak before numerous times on Ventrilo so I knew what to expect. Saying that I really wasn't expecting it to be that funny to listen too. It's just something that brings a smile out and I've heard him explain to me why he's scared of sausages. That's not a joke he did explain it to me AND it's nothing to do with his height.

Anyways, in an out of tune singing contest it should be the one who can't sing who wins but like everything in this Eurovision world it becomes a popularity contest, voting for the person who has the most nuclear weapons.

I keep realising this is now March. So? you may ask, well March is the time of year when I grow one year older. This year it's the big 27 and I really don't know where the time has gone. Being old sucks.

I had something proper to write but I've been doodling with paint and forgot what I was going to say.

Saturday, 27 February 2010

Moose diversity and the impact on the Canadian ecosystem.

I went over to Canada earlier and took this picture. I think it clearly shows the problem that Canadians are having reguarding the diversity of moose in their ecosystem. Currently 86.3% of all Canadian moose only speak French, 11.4% only speak Canadian English, 2.1% are bilingual and the remaining 0.2% speak only speak Morse code after a very bad mix up at the moose language depot.

This is why we need to start smuggling foreign moose into Canada to diversify the moose population. I can't imagine the difficulties normal Canadians face when the stop and ask a moose for directions and he only speaks French and you don't have your cat with you to translate.

Do you know how hard it was to get those moose to stay still while I captured that photo? Yeah the one on the left was easy but the other two, god damn man. J'adore pomme de terre is not French for please stand still.

I guess I could smuggle my cat in so he can translate the French speaking moose but you know that sounds a bit far fetched. I'm liking plan A better of smuggling Swedish moose on a boat to Alaska, which is like the other side to where I'd end up but my plan means we have to land at Alaska. Once into Alaska we find Sarah Palin and bribe her with the prospect of teaching her French so she can conquer the world. Yeah I ken that it'd be a short lesson but I think she'll buy it. Then once we have Sarah Palin walking around saying " Bonjour, J'adore pomme de terre" we go to the Alaska / Canada border then hop across. Ta daaaaaaa we're in Canada with Swedish moose teaching the French speaking Canadian moose how to speak Swedish. Although I don't know Swedish and I'm not sure Swedish moose know French. I suppose I could go back and smuggle my cat in to talk to the French speaking Canadian moose but I'm not sure he understands Swedish either.

Anyways that's the plan, may need some fine tuning but as a meerkat would say, simples.

You know, I actually had something proper to write here and I've just spent the time talking about other things and have forgotten what I was actually going to write about.

Computer games get a lot of bad press. Now they're one of the things being blamed for sexualising women.

Computer games can be good, seriously. They make kids read for a start, they encourage co-operation, there's logic problems to solve, surprisingly they can help learn about other countries, cultures and aid social skills.

At this current point in time I play two main platforms for gaming, PC and Xbox 360.

Now this picture I have here is of World of Warcraft. It's an old picture, oldest I could find since I think most of my older, better pictures were lost when I had to get my computer fixed.

Anyway this picture shows two characters, one character is a night elf warrior called Nsane and the other is a dwarf hunter called Khalide. Now that won't mean much to most people but that dwarf is now a good friend of mine in reality. You'll know him as Marti, he's the short guy who looks a lot like his character but not so round. I've now known him from some time in early 2006 or late 2005, think it was early 2006 but I can't remember that part. It's been a long time.

I had played Warcraft RTS ( real time strategy) games before and was quite excited about seeing the world in 3D and it was pretty cool but I never expected to actually find someone to talk too and have a laugh with. Now we were far from being good players but damn we made a good team. I ran into the opposite team hundreds of times to save his flag carrying ass, we usually ended up losing anyway but that's not the point. We went down fighting, sort of.

Now that little dwarf has grown up ( not in height ) and got married but we still talk, I still make jokes about his height and he still possibly goes to bed crying, wishing I'd stop but you know what he's my friend and every week I send him a couple of shortbread biscuits. With all those passing weeks he gets half an inch closer to being able to survive a flood in Chard. I just hope the flood waters don't break up the shortbread biscuits otherwise he'll have to swim. Since he's a surfer I assume he knows how to swim so that's good but it doesn't take anyway anything from the significance of those shortbread biscuits. Those biscuits help him to reach the stars and other biscuits in the higher shelves in Tesco.

Those shortbread biscuits signify something more than impending heart failure, they stand for friendship. The friendship between one man, one short short man and another man who is like 1 foot taller and mocks him ever so much but it's friendly mocking. It's joshing.

It's nice to be nice, so lets make today a nice day. Lets make today a day when Falkirk travel away from home and beat Dundee Utd.

Keeping with the nice theme and being in what is a relatively good mood at close to 3am. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but over the past few years it has been hard and there are people I should say thank you to more often than I do if ever.

Like Marti is someone great to talk to and understands many things, except computers, seriously I had to teach him so much.
"No Marti that's the power button don't press that one, if you do that you can't read what's here."

Ah I josh, I josh. He knows how to turn his computer on.....he asks his wife.

Taking away the shortbread, now he can't reach to punch me.

Ok lets get serious again. I really should thank my sister since over the past year and a half she's been great. I'm not one for saying or writing I love you in cards but I'll mock you. I'll tell you that you're hair looks like Harry Potter went to T in the Park and had Hermione Granger sitting on his shoulders to see a band and it was her time of the month and she had a really heavy flow concentrated on the fringe. Now I may say that but my sister knows I'm joking. She'll cry for a while but then she'll seek vengeance on her patients.

Again getting serious, my sister has been great, she understands the anxiety, she understands the stress. She also picked a good person to marry. I aint going to get all soppy but my brother in law is great too. Again he understands what it's like plus he understands my sense of humour. Sitting in a living room or in a car laughing for 6 hours is a pretty damn good pick me up when life isn't going too well. The jokes are bad, sometimes sick and quite often end in Toooooooooodaloooooooooooooooooo muthafucka but it's all good.

It's great to have someone you can talk to about converting your sisters car into a convertable and hog tying a moose and putting it in her boot whilst you phone the police from a safe distance.

There's a lot of things I am thankful for and I'm glad that I can finally see them.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Smuggling moose and the effect on orange juice prices in Kansas.

Now I have a lot of thoughts running about my head and I'm sorry to disappoint you but I shall not be discussing the price of orange juice in Dorothy's homeland.

The topics I'm currently thinking of are, in no particular order

Moose smuggling
How can I hover above ice

Hockey is an easy one, there's the final of the women ice hockey on the tv and I'm watching it. Sort of.

Parents, now that's a topic that drives me mental. Yesterday I turned the heating off because it had been on all day and I was getting rather hot. My mother then complained because she was cold. She's always cold. Then my father comes home and asks why the heating isn't on since it was cold outside, despite the fact he complains daily that the heating is on too much.

Now two weeks ago the boiler died, dead boiler means no heating so my mother went and stayed at my grans till it was fixed since she hates being cold. My father spent most of his time at work so he had heating for most of the day. The only person really affected was me, I got to have no heating for around 5 to 6 days for 24hours a day. Fun. I do not like being too hot but when you start trying to warm up in the fridge you know it's not good.

I also got the task of waiting for the plumbers. Day 1 got up early, had a FREEZING cold bath waited all day and no plumbers came. Day 2, got up early, freezing bath again. This time the plumbers do turn up. Spend a wee while in the room with the boiler then the plumber starts asking me questions like what am I doing these days and do I still see anyone from school? I was rather confused, stood looking at the plumber till it dawned on me that I knew him. First thing I say " Christ man, at least you've grown a bit".

Yesterday I also found an empty bottle of olive oil in the cupboard, now I only use olive oil like once every 6 months, my mother never uses it and my father uses it a lot. On that basis I asked him why he put an empty bottle back in the cupboard and turns around and denies it was him. WTF? Seriously no wonder the people he works with suggested he runs for council.

My brother in law who now has his own blog suggested I should run at the next election and he'll pay the fee. I can't remember what campaign we were going to do but we were walking along side Callendar park at the time so something about squirrels popped up.

Now onto the subject of dating. Right I know bugger ALL about dating. I haven't exactly done it much. How the hell do you actually ask a girl out these days? How the hell do you actually let a girl know you like her? More importantly how the hell do you talk to girls?

So far in my limited experience there's a few things you shouldn't talk about with girls. Vomit. Toilet troubles. Death. Three easy to remember subjects and three easy to remember things not to talk about. Sadly have you ever tried to remember anything suitable when you're so nervous and concentrating so hard on not fainting. It's bloody hard. Also I'm not some strange psycho but for some reason my conversations with my brother in law do tend to focus on death and scaring the shit out of people. Not for real but comedy. We're laughing, we're joking, we're discussing where best to hide a body in the local Tesco, just normal guy stuff. So right it's hard to remember that a girl is not the same as a guy, they don't find this stuff amusing. Add to all that trouble you have to remember who your sister's friends are. It's bloody hard.

I have no idea what my sister actually thinks when we start talking about some things.

Moose smuggling, I have no idea where it came from but it came up in conversation one day. It started off as something else, now the plan is to smuggle a moose, tie it to the passenger seat of my brother in laws car, blindfold it and put a ball gag in it's mouth. Just drive around Falkirk. Maybe go see the neds in their wee cars.

Actually scrub that, better idea. My sister just got her first car. Lets tie the moose up, with the blindfold and the ball gag, put it in her boot and when she gets to work it'll be hilarious.

Should try make the fire alarm go off before she gets there so everyone is outside. Ah that'll be great. Laughter all round. What would be better to put dental patients minds at ease than a bondage loving moose in the back of a Punto.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

A new dawn

As I'm getting older I realise that I need to do more things with my life.

I'm not sure what the priorities should be but I assume getting a job is number one. After that it begins to get hazy. I find myself longing to be elsewhere, walking across Canada, smuggling a moose in Sweden or just panicking in another country. It's a simple plan but you know it sounds fun to me.

My goal for the year is to get fitter, it's a goal that is not going too well so far but if I want to apply to the police then it's something I need to do. There's one major stumbling block, my love for Irn Bru. The amount of sugar I consume without realising is pretty scary.

I suppose I should try to cure my anxiety but other than confronting it I don't know what I can do. Was in a bird hide on Saturday with other people and didn't once feel anxious so that's good.

Sunday, 31 January 2010

Sunday 31st January 2010

Thank god January is almost over. Not been the funnest month especially the past few days. As I mentioned previously I was going to a funeral on Saturday, it was for my great uncle so didn't directly affect me. However it's family and it's better to go for my Gran. It was her brother in law and my Grandfathers death affected me, not entirely sure how but during counselling it was the thing that I just couldn't talk about and made me cry.

I was staying at my sisters the night before the funeral since it's just around the corner and at around 11pm there was a phone call to the house. My brother in laws father had died. Again it doesn't affect me directly although I talk to my brother in law a fair bit but in this circumstance I just didn't ken what to say. Normally I make jokes about death, I had a field day when MJ died but when it's family it's just bad taste. Not saying anything just seemed ignorant though. It's a times like those you wish you had an ice breaker like " I have AIDS ". In the past year both my sister and my brother in law have been a big help.

So with that bit of bad news neither of them slept much and he and some of his relatives had to head north in the morning. With the best of bad luck it had been snowing again which made my sister worry. Snow + ice + lack of sleep is not a good combination when walking so I highly doubt it's good for driving.

At the funeral I was surprised by the volume of people there, so many that the place was overcrowded. This didn't help me, I started to panic and drip sweat . Was horrible. Eventually my sister took my outside so I could calm down. After the service there was a reception which wasn't pleasant, so many old people all talking loudly and the room just felt like it was boiling, it may of been the lack of sleep but I started to feel dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out, I could just hear the blethering of the old people around me, it felt like hell.

It's strange seeing people you haven't seen in years and they look so old.

On a another sad not, Falkirk lost again.

Rangers 3 - Falkirk 0.