Friday, 26 February 2010

Smuggling moose and the effect on orange juice prices in Kansas.

Now I have a lot of thoughts running about my head and I'm sorry to disappoint you but I shall not be discussing the price of orange juice in Dorothy's homeland.

The topics I'm currently thinking of are, in no particular order

Moose smuggling
How can I hover above ice

Hockey is an easy one, there's the final of the women ice hockey on the tv and I'm watching it. Sort of.

Parents, now that's a topic that drives me mental. Yesterday I turned the heating off because it had been on all day and I was getting rather hot. My mother then complained because she was cold. She's always cold. Then my father comes home and asks why the heating isn't on since it was cold outside, despite the fact he complains daily that the heating is on too much.

Now two weeks ago the boiler died, dead boiler means no heating so my mother went and stayed at my grans till it was fixed since she hates being cold. My father spent most of his time at work so he had heating for most of the day. The only person really affected was me, I got to have no heating for around 5 to 6 days for 24hours a day. Fun. I do not like being too hot but when you start trying to warm up in the fridge you know it's not good.

I also got the task of waiting for the plumbers. Day 1 got up early, had a FREEZING cold bath waited all day and no plumbers came. Day 2, got up early, freezing bath again. This time the plumbers do turn up. Spend a wee while in the room with the boiler then the plumber starts asking me questions like what am I doing these days and do I still see anyone from school? I was rather confused, stood looking at the plumber till it dawned on me that I knew him. First thing I say " Christ man, at least you've grown a bit".

Yesterday I also found an empty bottle of olive oil in the cupboard, now I only use olive oil like once every 6 months, my mother never uses it and my father uses it a lot. On that basis I asked him why he put an empty bottle back in the cupboard and turns around and denies it was him. WTF? Seriously no wonder the people he works with suggested he runs for council.

My brother in law who now has his own blog suggested I should run at the next election and he'll pay the fee. I can't remember what campaign we were going to do but we were walking along side Callendar park at the time so something about squirrels popped up.

Now onto the subject of dating. Right I know bugger ALL about dating. I haven't exactly done it much. How the hell do you actually ask a girl out these days? How the hell do you actually let a girl know you like her? More importantly how the hell do you talk to girls?

So far in my limited experience there's a few things you shouldn't talk about with girls. Vomit. Toilet troubles. Death. Three easy to remember subjects and three easy to remember things not to talk about. Sadly have you ever tried to remember anything suitable when you're so nervous and concentrating so hard on not fainting. It's bloody hard. Also I'm not some strange psycho but for some reason my conversations with my brother in law do tend to focus on death and scaring the shit out of people. Not for real but comedy. We're laughing, we're joking, we're discussing where best to hide a body in the local Tesco, just normal guy stuff. So right it's hard to remember that a girl is not the same as a guy, they don't find this stuff amusing. Add to all that trouble you have to remember who your sister's friends are. It's bloody hard.

I have no idea what my sister actually thinks when we start talking about some things.

Moose smuggling, I have no idea where it came from but it came up in conversation one day. It started off as something else, now the plan is to smuggle a moose, tie it to the passenger seat of my brother in laws car, blindfold it and put a ball gag in it's mouth. Just drive around Falkirk. Maybe go see the neds in their wee cars.

Actually scrub that, better idea. My sister just got her first car. Lets tie the moose up, with the blindfold and the ball gag, put it in her boot and when she gets to work it'll be hilarious.

Should try make the fire alarm go off before she gets there so everyone is outside. Ah that'll be great. Laughter all round. What would be better to put dental patients minds at ease than a bondage loving moose in the back of a Punto.


  1. Seriously, smuggle the moose. Take pictures.

  2. Wish I could help you on the lady front but after being with Clare since we were 16 I think my dating skills might be a little rusty.
    Guinness has a toy moose if you wanna smuggle that somewhere.
    Olive oil??? Posh are we?
    Oh and girls DO find stuff we men talk about both funny AND interesting...FACT!

  3. You forgot the "walking round the family friendly deer park and outdoor place saying 'my favourite way to get rid of a body is a bath full of acid' as a small family group pass by" one.

  4. Olive oil aint for posh folk it's just an ingredient, need it for making pasta, which I can't make very well.

  5. I also forgot, running up and kicking people off the front of the harbour to the tune of " Tooooooodalooooooooooooo Muthafuckaaaaaaaaaaa "

  6. Or that time a chugger approached you in Stirling and you replied "lets talk about pandas".

  7. Just where are you going to find a moose in FALKIRK? Or did "smuggling" mean you'd get one in Canada or Norway or somewhere else more moosey then maybe check it in at the airport as an oversized furry suitcase? Because if so, you have enormous hairy balls my man and really who needs conversation topics for girls if you have those and can just drop your pants and go "BEHOLD MY HAIRY WONDERS!"


  8. I think dropping your trousers in public is frowned upon these days.

    I'm getting the moose from Sweden, never liked Canadian moose they spend too much time with the French ones and get all arrogant.

    I may smuggle the Swedish moose into Canada as soon as I become a mountie.