Sunday, 28 March 2010


It's been a while since I wrote anything. Don't know why but it has been.

It's now 3:20 am thanks to BST and today I turn 27. Say happy birthday and I'll smack you. Seriously.

I'm thinking a lot but I don't know how to translate those thoughts into words. Most of the thoughts I haven't had for a while. I know it's not a natural way to think but I can't help it. I haven't been able to sleep recently, waking up after a few hours having vivid nightmares, just feels pathetic for a grown man to wake up in a cold sweat wishing he had someone to hold. I don't think I'll ever have someone though. Girls just don't want what I can offer....which is lightbulb changing....without the ladder. Even when you do meet a nice girl you like who likes you the fact she likes you makes it feel even worse, you just know it'll end sometime and the best thing to do is just to turn around and say you can't speak to her anymore then you won't be hurt.

I know this isn't the way you're meant to think but it's what my brain tells me. I have intelligence, I have imagination but I hate my brain. I hate what it does to me. I get so nervous, so nervous when sitting in a resuarant I couldn't eat. That's just fucking pathetic, I paid to sit and not eat at an all you can eat buffet.

What can I do with my life? I don't know. I'm pretty much useless. I lay awake and consider ending it but I can't, I can't bare the thought of who finds you. I don't want to think like this and it's one sure fire way to stop it but I can't, I don't want to, I want to get better. I want to do something worthwhile.

I'm lost in my mind and nobody knows.

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Panic in the streets of Denny, Panic in the streets of Dunipace......

Oh how fun life is, went to get my hair cut since it badly needed it. Hairdressers was empty, good that'll help the anxiety. Well I thought it would. Two seconds after sitting down start to feel faint and sweat a lot, hairdresser is quite attractive and that made it worse. Wanted to apologise so badly for being all icky but couldn't get the words out. Instead just sat there like some weirdo betting like a switch.

Slam head table. Repeat.

It is rather disheartening not to be able to do something so simple without fear of looking like a convict hiding from the police.

Monday, 15 March 2010

The connection light of happiness.

Today I'll start with a poem if my internet decides to behave.

Little connection light not flashing there,
making me pull out my hair,
you seem to me to be extremely stable,
which results in me not able,
to check my emails or play my games,
it makes me consider Virgin to be real lame,
I think you enjoy putting me in distress,
but I'm gripping my axe like it started with all the rest,
the graphics card, the television and the phone,
to name just a few that went wrong,
patience is a virtue that I don't possess,
so I'm going to find you, chib you and hack you into little pieces,
feed you to people till you become faeces.

Internet or router or something isn't working properly so bit annoyed with it, luckily I'm an understanding man.......

Monday, 8 March 2010

Chuggers, cooking, runners and of course the obligatory moose.

Lets see what day is it today? Oh that's right it's Monday. Got a few days worth of information stored up, just a shame I can't remember it all properly.

Lets try and start with Friday. Firstly I went over to Falkirk, met my brother in law in town and we went to get ingredients for cooking. After a quick trip into Waterstones since I had forgotten to bring the recipe and couldn't remember what I actually needed to buy we were attacked by a midget chugger who came up to us and asked...

" You know what I want don't you?"

I replied " No......."

She asked again.......again I said no.

She then turned to Chris ( Chris is my brother in law, I'm getting fed up writing that all the frigging time ) and talked about charities. I can't remember the whole conversation but I made some Falkirk based jokes. We eventually escaped her clutches and went into the Jeremy Kyle audition centre and made our way to Marks and Spencers, picked up what I guessed we needed then made our way out after chibbing some old people who got in our way.

Soon after our exit from the incredibly warm shop known as Markies we were once again attacked by a chugger, this time a little blonde one. She quickly came between us and put her arm around Chris and tried to get me too but I was smart, I stepped to the side. After making it clear we weren't interested in anything, she told us a joke, a very very bad joke.

We then went swiftly to the butchers to obtain the main part of the meal, the beef.

After noticing he had plenty of time I went with Chris to the cafe where he was meeting his friend. I did feel rather panicky in the place but for some reason after moving to a different table where I could see the window and freedom after Chris's friend arrived I felt calmer. Finished my drink and left them in peace as I went to subway for a lovely footlong sweet chili chicken sub.

Some time went by then I made dinner of a basic beef stir fry, it was quite nice but not the best thing I can cook. Both my sister and Chris said it was good and I ken I should accept the compliment but I can't help but think they're just saying it's good to not hurt my feelings.

This was also the day that I started my moose smuggling business, Chris had got me an early birthday present. A moose. From now on he'll be known as Montgomery. Despite the language barrier myself and Montgomery bonded fast. We were to become good friends.

In the last afternoon I received a phone call telling me someone had phoned about my CV and wanted to speak to me. My father had told my mother this, not sure why I wasn't the person to notify. He also didn't tell her the persons name or the company it was for so the message was frigging vague. With the use of the internet I managed to find out who it was and proceeded nervously into phoning them. I called twice but no answer, it was soon after 5pm and didn't think anyone would be there. I then phoned my father to quiz him on it and ask the persons name but nope he didn't remember.

This is a man who complains I don't have a job, he complains when I don't take messages for him, complains I do nothing when he fucking doesn't do anything to help. He doesn't understand anxiety, he doesn't understand depression, he doesn't actually know what I want to do, he doesn't know anything about what I know how to do. I spent years studying science, science is what I know. I apply to a fair amount of jobs, I hate not doing anything. Just sitting is making my anxiety worse. I want to do something constructive. I don't want to be a bum. In a year I've had a lot of rejection letters, 2 interviews and now a phone call about a job and he doesn't take an appropriate message and doesn't even fucking tell ME!!! the person who it's fucking for about the fucking phone call.

What makes it even fucking worse, I come home to find he blames my mother for not giving me the message soon enough. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I have no idea how I've managed to never swear at my parents.

Later that night we watched Smoking Aces, I'm not sure what type of film it's meant to be but we found it pretty funny.

On to Saturday. A day of fun and frolics.

Chris's uncle was running in a double marathon so we went a long to watch. I felt a bit anxious at the first checkpoint we visited and did think I was going to collapse into the canal. What fun that'd be.
Montgomery at the Falkirk wheel supporting Chris's uncle and cheering on the other runners. The second picture has some advice that would of been useful to some ravers later in the day.

Before leaving the Falkirk Wheel he visited the memorial to the brave parachuting Teddies who lost their lives back in September 09 .

From there we went onto Muiravonside country park. It had been a long trip for Monty so he had a rest

Before sampling the national drink

and phoning his family back in Sweden.

After phoning his family, Chris, my sister, Montgomery and myself went up to the Aquaduct to cheer on the runners.

The path was very narrow so we had to stand at the end. Monty rushed out and attacked a runner who then came hobbling up to us on the brink of tears, we denied all knowledge of the moose and for the rest of the day put him in a disguise.

On the way back to the car, Monty had another drink

before grazing on some good Scots grass

After reaching the car we drove along to another spot which had more ned cars per person than any other place in the world.

We then drove on to the second last stop and Monty tried to board a bar barge for a drink. Moose were not allowed.

Getting increasingly more hungry Monty decided to stealth himself and wait for the hobbling runners to pick them off one at a time.

The runners took their time so he watched a donkey try to mate with a Shetland pony. No pictures of it.

It grew darker and darker, coming across a mild mannered man taking pictures of the sunset, Monty tried his hand at photobombing.

The day came to a close and Monty thanked everyone for a wonderful day by emitting a small beam of light through his antlers.

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Brick walls and running through them.

Today wasn't my best day in a while. Nothing bad happened just a minor setback on the anxiety coping confidence.

Firstly was at the dentist in the morning receiving a check up, got there and due to an emergency there was a 15 minute delay. Walked into the waiting room to see it jam packed. Most of the people were more emergency patients. I waited for 20 minutes before I started to become very anxious, eventually stood up, went to reception and asked if it was ok to wait outside. Girl looked at me weird, she only looked about 16 and asked if I wanted to wait in my car, I replied no before stating just stand outside. Again she looked at me weird. She said it was fine and off I wandered to the door, fresh cool air and freedom.

I was thankful to be outside, another 20 minutes pass before the dental nurse comes taking me in, panic sets in. I've known my dentist for years but today I just felt awful, lying there waiting, she kept talking. I nodded politely to everything, trying to hide my anxiety. It didn't last long but in my eagerness to run away managed to whack my head off the dental light.

Back to reception to book my next appointment, girl still looking at me like I'm another species.

Thankfully back out into the fresh crisp cold air and off to walk to my sisters house to see my brother in law.

I really like just walking along listening to music, seems so much easier to breathe.

Anyways, after meeting up with my brother in law, we headed over to Stirling. In the Thistle Centre and I start to feel anxious again. I don't know why, I can't explain it, just hit me. We went back outside, I started to calm down then we went for lunch, I felt faint, anxiety again. I felt like punching myself and screaming don't be such a pussy, all you're doing is going into a shop.

During lunch I start to calm down, had a good talk with brother in law which helped. Afterward we wandered up to the Castle and graveyard. Graveyard was really peaceful. After a walk and an encounter with some ice, bugger just crept up on me. We dandered back into town and offski home.

I know it's more of a girl thing to worry about but can't help noticing I look fatter. Trying to eat less and exercise more just doesn't seem to be working. Gives the confidence another hit.

Got to keep trying. Got to keep going into public. Got to keep exercising. I can beat it.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Singing makes you feel better

You may remember that I took part in a bad singing competition over at Jules , this time I'm not taking part but my brother in law is as well as Marti.

Quite hard who to choose for between family and friend, although my brother in law did start his video with a picture of me so that gives him some negative points. He'll learn one day that I dislike cameras.

My brother in law sang Ring of Fire, quality song by Johnny Cash. Much to my sisters disappointment I introduced him to the joys of Johnny Cash and his less than happy songs. Also it's a strange fact that one of the first times I met him we ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody in a white van on our way back from Ikea.

Now Marti, he sang stand by your man. His voice to me is really quite posh and I've heard him speak before numerous times on Ventrilo so I knew what to expect. Saying that I really wasn't expecting it to be that funny to listen too. It's just something that brings a smile out and I've heard him explain to me why he's scared of sausages. That's not a joke he did explain it to me AND it's nothing to do with his height.

Anyways, in an out of tune singing contest it should be the one who can't sing who wins but like everything in this Eurovision world it becomes a popularity contest, voting for the person who has the most nuclear weapons.

I keep realising this is now March. So? you may ask, well March is the time of year when I grow one year older. This year it's the big 27 and I really don't know where the time has gone. Being old sucks.

I had something proper to write but I've been doodling with paint and forgot what I was going to say.