It's been a while since I wrote anything. Don't know why but it has been.
It's now 3:20 am thanks to BST and today I turn 27. Say happy birthday and I'll smack you. Seriously.
I'm thinking a lot but I don't know how to translate those thoughts into words. Most of the thoughts I haven't had for a while. I know it's not a natural way to think but I can't help it. I haven't been able to sleep recently, waking up after a few hours having vivid nightmares, just feels pathetic for a grown man to wake up in a cold sweat wishing he had someone to hold. I don't think I'll ever have someone though. Girls just don't want what I can offer....which is lightbulb changing....without the ladder. Even when you do meet a nice girl you like who likes you the fact she likes you makes it feel even worse, you just know it'll end sometime and the best thing to do is just to turn around and say you can't speak to her anymore then you won't be hurt.
I know this isn't the way you're meant to think but it's what my brain tells me. I have intelligence, I have imagination but I hate my brain. I hate what it does to me. I get so nervous, so nervous when sitting in a resuarant I couldn't eat. That's just fucking pathetic, I paid to sit and not eat at an all you can eat buffet.
What can I do with my life? I don't know. I'm pretty much useless. I lay awake and consider ending it but I can't, I can't bare the thought of who finds you. I don't want to think like this and it's one sure fire way to stop it but I can't, I don't want to, I want to get better. I want to do something worthwhile.
I'm lost in my mind and nobody knows.