Friday, 22 October 2010


After well over a year of waiting I finally get my behavioural psychotherapy appointment. It's just over a week away ( the 30th ). Supposed to last for 45minutes and I'm rather curious to see what they'll actually do. I'm hoping it'll be a bit more than sitting talking to a laptop for an hour.

The accompanying letter gave a lovely detailed list of everything you can do to get yourself discharged and your GP informed. Now I have to remember not to sleep in or I've just wasted over a year on a list.

Friday, 15 October 2010

Back to the bottom

My life isn't exactly great, I can't say it's awful since I'm not homeless but it's still pretty shitty. I spend most of my time on my computer, a computer which is pretty old and pretty slow but I can't afford a new one. I went and got some new memory to hopefully make my computer a bit faster and make my shitty life that little bit less shit. Of course not knowing much about computers I bought the wrong one so I have to take it back. Did discuss what makes a computer faster with my brother in law and he obviously told my sister. Received a text asking where I got the money from to buy new RAM. RAM isn't exactly expensive but I find it insulting that she's asking me. She's probably went off in the huff at me cause I told her it was none of her business. Which it's not. I don't exactly do much with my life moneywise, go to the cinema sometimes and buy some food. I don't spend anything on alcohol and I buy clothes like once a year. My computer is pretty much all I have.

Bad enough that I look at facebook and see nobody has spoken to me in a month then to receive insulting texts from your own sister. I notice she never asked anything when I bought my brother in law a birthday present a few days before hand. Not exactly cheap either.

I could understand if I had bought a new computer or a car or something but a piece of RAM what the fuck. Get fucking treated like I've went and robbed someone. Fucks sake. That's how to make someone feel like shit.

Feel bad enough that the only actual male friend I have / had is pissed off with me because I don't like playing CoD because I'm shit at it.

Went to bed at 6pm and slept all night just because I didn't want to see anyone. I hate who I am. I hate being treated like I'm shit. I know everyone looks at me and talks about why I don't have a job behind my back. They don't realise how fucking shit I feel inside because I can't. I want a job. I want to stop being a fucking burden on people but I can't. All I get is rejection after rejection. I don't have experience, I don't have a fucking degree, I don't have any licenses. What fucking prospects do I have when the job market is already small and 100s of people going for every single job.

I used to be able to escape from my life into my computer, playing games but now that's gone and obviously trying to make your life a little more bearable isn't allowed.

I feel so fucking pathetic that one little text rips the last bit of self worth out of me. I'm bloody 27 for fucks sake and all I did was cry. Fucking wrong. Hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Really feel like just grabbing a knife and plunging it into my stomach. No one believes I would do it anyway. No one would care. Just one less thing for them to think about.

Ain't taking the meds anymore, gonna just see what happens.

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

I wrote a little song

When I open that door
And lock it behind me
I begin to feel safe

I lift the lid
And check the seat
Before I get in place

I drop my trousers
I drop my boxers
And get ready for what I’m about to face

I grit my teeth
and close my eyes
relax my bowels and feel that sweet em-brace

It’s pooing time
It’s pooing time
That food has worked it’s way through
And now it’s time for me to go poo poo
Pooo Poooo

Hey there mr sweetcorn
Hey there mrs pepper skin
It’s lovely to see you
I enjoyed your nutritional value
But I hope we don’t meet again

It’s no offence to you
I’m sure you’re nice
But you’re covered in my faeces

On another note went to the doctors on Monday, didn't see my regular doctor but he reduced my medication further to 1 tablet every second day. Not sure how that'll go.