Friday, 15 October 2010

Back to the bottom

My life isn't exactly great, I can't say it's awful since I'm not homeless but it's still pretty shitty. I spend most of my time on my computer, a computer which is pretty old and pretty slow but I can't afford a new one. I went and got some new memory to hopefully make my computer a bit faster and make my shitty life that little bit less shit. Of course not knowing much about computers I bought the wrong one so I have to take it back. Did discuss what makes a computer faster with my brother in law and he obviously told my sister. Received a text asking where I got the money from to buy new RAM. RAM isn't exactly expensive but I find it insulting that she's asking me. She's probably went off in the huff at me cause I told her it was none of her business. Which it's not. I don't exactly do much with my life moneywise, go to the cinema sometimes and buy some food. I don't spend anything on alcohol and I buy clothes like once a year. My computer is pretty much all I have.

Bad enough that I look at facebook and see nobody has spoken to me in a month then to receive insulting texts from your own sister. I notice she never asked anything when I bought my brother in law a birthday present a few days before hand. Not exactly cheap either.

I could understand if I had bought a new computer or a car or something but a piece of RAM what the fuck. Get fucking treated like I've went and robbed someone. Fucks sake. That's how to make someone feel like shit.

Feel bad enough that the only actual male friend I have / had is pissed off with me because I don't like playing CoD because I'm shit at it.

Went to bed at 6pm and slept all night just because I didn't want to see anyone. I hate who I am. I hate being treated like I'm shit. I know everyone looks at me and talks about why I don't have a job behind my back. They don't realise how fucking shit I feel inside because I can't. I want a job. I want to stop being a fucking burden on people but I can't. All I get is rejection after rejection. I don't have experience, I don't have a fucking degree, I don't have any licenses. What fucking prospects do I have when the job market is already small and 100s of people going for every single job.

I used to be able to escape from my life into my computer, playing games but now that's gone and obviously trying to make your life a little more bearable isn't allowed.

I feel so fucking pathetic that one little text rips the last bit of self worth out of me. I'm bloody 27 for fucks sake and all I did was cry. Fucking wrong. Hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Really feel like just grabbing a knife and plunging it into my stomach. No one believes I would do it anyway. No one would care. Just one less thing for them to think about.

Ain't taking the meds anymore, gonna just see what happens.

4 comments:

  1. Wrote a reply to this but it was too long so emailing it. So check your email.

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  2. I think Ali's question was reasonable, but not really convinced your response was. She just worries about you. You stopped were the one that stopped speaking to both of us, so how does that make her in the huff?

    As I've said numerous times I'd be willing to give you my PC bits as I don't utilise the full potential of them anyway.

    As for the seppuku I don't see what that'd solve either?

    I'm battling the same shitty illness as you, and have been on and off for over 15 years. I know how it can feel like the whole world is against you, but it isn't.

    You've got to speak to the people who can help and try not to push people away, because one day when you might want them they might not be there. Speaking from personal experience.

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  3. I don't think her question was that reasonable. There's being worried about someone and there's being patronising and the way it came across to me was that way. Maybe I'm wrong but as you know the way things are said and the way they are meant are not always taken the same way by everyone. Her question was very blunt and rather inappropriate, there were much better ways that she could of asked it.

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  4. I know you've offered the computer parts and I would like them but it just feels wrong to take them.

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