Cleaning the Windows

Haven't posted in a while again

2011-08-09T10:25:00.000+01:00

As the title says haven't posted in quite some time, this is mainly due to work taking up most of my time. Did a couple of back to back 6am till 6 pm shifts last week, not much fun. Anyways this post is not really about work.

Sadly on Thursday night my paternal Grandmother passed away. She had been in hospital for 5 weeks, originally with a sore leg that the doctors had thought was a trapped nerve. However she managed to get a large amount of bruising whilst at hospital and catch pneumonia. I think most of us thought once she had caught pneumonia there was no going back but nobody wanted to say. She was well into her 90s though.

Despite the fact that she has always lived a minute down the road from me, I've never been close to her. Apparently I never have been either, my mother says I used to cringe as a toddler when she tried to get near me too. I liked my paternal grandfather but have always been closer to my maternal grandparents. Both my grandfathers died when I was a lot younger and as I'm sure I have previously mentioned the death of my maternal grandfather still upsets me.

During the time my grandmother was in hospital, my other gran was not well either and most of my focus was on her, as well as my sisters, which I feel guilty about now. I only went to see my paternal grandmother twice whilst she was in hospital. Whereas I went and got a laptop so my maternal grandmother could watch her movies when in bed since that's all she was really doing, it was a stupid thing to do really but she enjoyed it and made her feel better.

The funeral is tomorrow and I still don't know what to feel.

I would walk 500 miles

2011-06-22T07:22:00.002+01:00

In other news, Tór has been farting all night and it bloody reeks. This is despite being out at 2 am and 6 am for 2 massive shits.

Almost forgot to mention, whilst walking Tór last night in the torrential rain, a huge tree collapsed a metre in front of us. I'm gutted I didn't get to film it.

Working

2011-06-01T08:52:00.000+01:00

Well I'm now into my third week of work. So far working Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday although I did work this bank holiday Monday. They update their weeks on a Sunday so it's kinda weird to think that I work one day then three days off before doing the last three days of the week.

Only have two days of training left, as a group we've been told we've been doing really well, better than they expected but still nervous about working alone. The job is a bit tedious, lots of walking, lots of talking to a computer via a headset and lots of food. The job basically entails picking up a pallet of produce or products, then being told by the computer which store to put how many in and do that for all the Scottish and Northern Irish stores. Sadly now I hear places on TV like a murder in Blantyre this morning and thought " 2 8 8 ".

The computer can really do your nut in though when it gets your 3s and 8s mixed it or misses numbers completely like 2 and 0.

Other than that it's mostly chaffing that is annoying.

Recently read FHMs 100 most beautiful women, however don't agree with most of their list. I would do my own but can't think of 4 categories to use to judge.

Updates

2011-05-16T17:18:00.000+01:00

Haven't done a post in a while, tried to do one the other day but sadly blogger was down.

Anyways, so far May has been a relatively good month, after failing my driving test in April due to speeding, I passed at the second time of asking. Got 9 minors, mostly for the same thing. I had thought I had failed right at the start but only got a minor for undue hesitation and I don't believe that was my fault. Was at a roundabout with cars at each of the other junctions and I'm supposed to give way to the guy on my right but he didn't move, eventually the guy on my left moved first and the one on the right went last. So legally I can drive, just need a car and insurance.

Thankfully on that note I have got a new job. Start on Wednesday, after waiting ages to get an interview I got one and got a job which is good. It is only temporary until September but they have said that there is a good chance that it will be longer than that. Which is good. I did think I'd get night shift again but will be working during the day this time.

Almost 28

2011-03-17T21:46:00.000Z

Christ can't believe I'm almost 28. Seems like only yesterday I was out on a car trip for my 27th with my sister and brother in law. That turned into a nice day although I think that might of been the day wee hit a massive pothole in the car. Although it may of been when we went to see the red kites.

Was going to talk about Comic Relief's twitrelief auctions but busy watching the football at the moment. It's rather depressing watching Scottish football.

Got my driving test coming up in around 3 weeks, think I'll be shitting it, I make a lot of stupid mistakes when I panic.

Other than that been trying to decide when to get Tór stripped of his manlyness. He's getting more interested in females and more aggressive when he doesn't get near them. There's lots of varying views on it, some say you can get it done whenever, others say you should wait until they're mentally and physically mature.

I see trees

2011-02-13T13:26:00.000Z

My grans new puppy Dochie. Picture taken by my brother in law.

Another time of swimming and I think I'm slightly better at it, well at least remembering what I'm doing when I try to do it. However there were quite a few annoying little people at the pool diving in at the deep end. I say diving but really it was bombing. One of them jumped right in front of me, I was not happy. Two old men in the lane next to me had to ask them to stop but they didn't. I considered drowning them but apparently that's illegal.

Been a while

2011-02-10T17:05:00.000Z

Haven't posted in a while, no specific reason really.

Have been updating my dogs site though. If you go by weeks, as in 52 weeks in the year so 21 weeks being 6 months so he'll be 6 months old in a week but if you go by actual dates he'll be 6months old on the 2nd of March. He's doing pretty well at puppy classes but he doesn't really like doing stand stays.

My gran got a new puppy on Sunday, it's a male Patterdale Terrier called Dochie. He hasn't met Tór yet but should in the near future to get used to him.

Other than that still going to a dude every second Saturday to sort out my social anxiety. Went swimming on Wednesday which was scary but was fince after getting in the pool, that is till having to get out. I actually forgot what to do with my mouth when swimming.

Happy New Year

2011-01-03T08:13:00.000Z

Slightly late but Happy New Year to everyone.

Been working so I had forgot, keep forgetting what day it actually is. Tonight will be my last night then it's back looking again. I have quite enjoyed the work, staff are nice and they've all said positive things about me but unfortunately the manager said there's no permanent positions available, she also rated me highly so she said they might contact me about a day staff position.

On the Asda lablels they say " Chosen by you " keeps making me paranoid because I seriously don't remember choosing it.

Managed to find that nearly all the Horseradish was out of date by quite some margin, obviously Horseradish isn't as popular as Asda had speculated. They do say extra special on them, now I know why.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T10:53:00.003Z

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

God damn blisters

2010-12-21T12:08:00.000Z

Been working for over a week now, done 6 shifts, just 9 to go then it's back to job hunting. Still having some major issues trying to sleep after work.

Working tomorrow and Thursday then off till the 27th then it's 4 nights in a row, new years eve off then working the 1st, 2nd and 3rd. After that I have to try change sleep patterns again.

Haven't had a driving lesson in a while, first due to the snow making conditions very bad, then work getting in the way due to sleep. Not sure when I should make my next one for. Have to re-book my theory test too, again don't know when for.

Keep injuring myself at night, I keep getting blisters on my left baby toe and my heels. Managed to slice my palm with a shelf too. It's annoying getting cardboard cuts.

What the hell is sleep?

2010-12-17T13:26:00.000Z

Been working for a week now, the job is fine, it's surprisingly not tiring but there is one problem. Sleep. When I finish I'm still not tired enough to sleep and I know I have to feed the dog at 12ish so I get an hour or two sleep before waking up again. After that I might get a few more hours but it's bloody hard to sleep.

The people are all mostly nice and friendly and the time goes pretty fast. Being tall helps a lot, means I don't have to use a Dalek / kick stool.

75% of the night shift staff seem to smoke, not sure if that's related to working nights.

Working

2010-12-12T07:45:00.000Z

Well just finished my first shift, working 10pm till 7am. Surprisingly even though I only had a few hours sleep yesterday I wasn't tired at all and still aint :s One thing though, my feet hurt, need more comfortable shoes, tempted to get some black DCs and see if that's ok but I don't ken especially with Christmas coming up the store will stay open till 12 so the people might come in and see us.

Mostly older folk seem to work the night shift, everyone seems nice and friendly though, as someone I know says " ASDA BUDDIES!!" For Americans, Asda is owned by Walmart.

Working again tonight, just hope I remember.

It's snow bother

2010-12-09T00:28:00.001Z

Sometimes I just hate life, actually I hate it a lot of the time. With all this snow it's meant that my father has had to be home rather than be able to get to work and all he has done is play with stamps for an auction that got canceled due to the weather. I was meant to start work last Tuesday when the snow hit and it got canceled, it was pushed back. At one point my mothers car was stuck at my grans, so he suggested that we went and dug her out so she could come home. Once we got to Falkirk, with the dog in tow myself and the dog went up to my grans with a spade and he said to me he'd be back later. Working by myself to dig the car out of snow and a good few inches of ice I finally finished and he still wasn't back, an hour or so later he phones to ask where myself and my mother were.

He told my mother it was my idea to come dig her out so she could drive me to work in the morning even though I had said to him that he can do it. He said to my gran that he thought I was just staying overnight despite the fact I didn't bring clothes and I had no food for the dog.

Also my sister and brother in law aren't speaking to me which according to my mother it's apparently my fault, despite the fact I sent her a birthday card and a good luck text, to which I received no reply, I texted my brother in law when they were in London, to which I received no reply. When I got the job, I didn't get any congratulations, instead I got told by my mother that they just criticised the fact I had got a job and now had a puppy that needed someone to look after it whilst I was at work. Now I know I'm flawed but I can't see how being ignored is my fault. To make it worse, bumped into them in Falkirk, now I was going around a corner and not looking, like I normally do so didn't see them and they tell my mother I ignored them.

Now my father is complaining that I have a job and have to go to it in this weather. He's complained behind my back for 9 fucking years and now I do something and he fucking complains.

I'll be working night shift so I will be able to look after my puppy during the day and thank fuck I won't have to see people too much. If I get offered any holidays to work I'll be taking them, I hope I'll be working Christmas day cause I sure as fuck won't be spending it with family.

Despite all that, it's still just myself who I hate.

It's a bit nippy outside

2010-12-07T20:08:00.000Z

Well I got a job finally, only took 2.5 years, the interview was fun, got to play with marshmallows and spaghetti. Was supposed to start last Tuesday but the weather kind of ruined that so it was postponed until yesterday. Then yesterday it snowed again, took 30mins to do half a mile so it has now been postponed until this Thursday. I hate snow and I hate ice even more. However Tórshavn seems to love the snow, likes bouncing about in it and digging like mad. See http://lifeoftor.blogspot.com/2010/12/puppy-classes.html

Keep forgetting to take some nice icicle pictures, this is all I have so far.

At the hospital again

2010-11-15T19:57:00.000Z

Had to go to the hospital today for another ECG. I'm pretty sure it's just routine. It was at the new hospital in the area after most of the departments at Falkirk were moved. It's quite nice inside but the first thing you come across is a Starbucks, seems an odd thing to have in a hospital.

Went quite quick which is good, usually they run late. Was another old short lady like the last time, always find it uncomfortable but I guess an attractive young nurse would be a lot worse. Hate having to stand there topless before it begins and then afterwards wiping the gel of my chest like a cheap porno but I guess that's normally a topless woman and some sort of cream.

On Saturday I was at the psychiatrist again. I turned up on time and buzzed the buzzer, no answer. Waited 5 minutes, buzzed again, no answer, another 5 minutes, buzzed, no answer, this went on till just after 20 past. Finally someone came, he must of been another psychiatrist who was in a session, I felt really bad. The guy I was meant to see was running about 30 minutes late. Once inside I got taught how to hit myself, not violently but in a sort of tapping manner that is meant to help nerves.

Tór has had his second jab now so will soon be able to go on nice long walks.

When should you tell a puppy that you're not it's real parent?

2010-11-07T22:21:00.000Z

So with Tórshavn already reaching the 9 week mark and just 5 days till he gets his jag to able to go outside I was wondering what is the right age to tell him that he's adopted?

Dougie is a good few years old now and I've never told him, I'm fairly sure he hasn't worked it out yet either.

It's Tórshavn

2010-11-06T13:08:00.000Z

Some pictures of my new puppy Tórshavn.

It's been a fun week

2010-11-03T18:21:00.000Z

Well on Saturday went to my first appointment at the psychiatrist and it only lasted around 20 minutes, got given a shit load of paper work to do for the next time which is great.

On the Sunday I went and picked up my puppy, got a Great Dane Cross, he's lovely. Unfortunately yesterday I started to have major breathing problems. I don't know why I just couldn't get any air into my lungs, felt like I had a vice on them and my throat was very tight. Had a driving lesson which I did try to go to but she sent me away after I sat down and couldn't say two words. Funnily I was bent over double most of the day almost laying in a heap and my mother who has worked in hospitals only said to me I shouldn't of been out last night.

Anyway eventually the doctor came to see me and gave me some steroids and a puffer thing to open my airways, he mentioned a virus which I'm hoping it is since I'm really worried that it was an allergic reaction to the pup.

Finally

2010-10-22T03:43:00.000+01:00

After well over a year of waiting I finally get my behavioural psychotherapy appointment. It's just over a week away ( the 30th ). Supposed to last for 45minutes and I'm rather curious to see what they'll actually do. I'm hoping it'll be a bit more than sitting talking to a laptop for an hour.

The accompanying letter gave a lovely detailed list of everything you can do to get yourself discharged and your GP informed. Now I have to remember not to sleep in or I've just wasted over a year on a list.

Back to the bottom

2010-10-15T01:55:00.000+01:00

My life isn't exactly great, I can't say it's awful since I'm not homeless but it's still pretty shitty. I spend most of my time on my computer, a computer which is pretty old and pretty slow but I can't afford a new one. I went and got some new memory to hopefully make my computer a bit faster and make my shitty life that little bit less shit. Of course not knowing much about computers I bought the wrong one so I have to take it back. Did discuss what makes a computer faster with my brother in law and he obviously told my sister. Received a text asking where I got the money from to buy new RAM. RAM isn't exactly expensive but I find it insulting that she's asking me. She's probably went off in the huff at me cause I told her it was none of her business. Which it's not. I don't exactly do much with my life moneywise, go to the cinema sometimes and buy some food. I don't spend anything on alcohol and I buy clothes like once a year. My computer is pretty much all I have.

Bad enough that I look at facebook and see nobody has spoken to me in a month then to receive insulting texts from your own sister. I notice she never asked anything when I bought my brother in law a birthday present a few days before hand. Not exactly cheap either.

I could understand if I had bought a new computer or a car or something but a piece of RAM what the fuck. Get fucking treated like I've went and robbed someone. Fucks sake. That's how to make someone feel like shit.

Feel bad enough that the only actual male friend I have / had is pissed off with me because I don't like playing CoD because I'm shit at it.

Went to bed at 6pm and slept all night just because I didn't want to see anyone. I hate who I am. I hate being treated like I'm shit. I know everyone looks at me and talks about why I don't have a job behind my back. They don't realise how fucking shit I feel inside because I can't. I want a job. I want to stop being a fucking burden on people but I can't. All I get is rejection after rejection. I don't have experience, I don't have a fucking degree, I don't have any licenses. What fucking prospects do I have when the job market is already small and 100s of people going for every single job.

I used to be able to escape from my life into my computer, playing games but now that's gone and obviously trying to make your life a little more bearable isn't allowed.

I feel so fucking pathetic that one little text rips the last bit of self worth out of me. I'm bloody 27 for fucks sake and all I did was cry. Fucking wrong. Hate myself for being so fucking pathetic. Really feel like just grabbing a knife and plunging it into my stomach. No one believes I would do it anyway. No one would care. Just one less thing for them to think about.

Ain't taking the meds anymore, gonna just see what happens.

I wrote a little song

2010-10-12T15:52:00.000+01:00

When I open that door

And lock it behind me

I begin to feel safe

I lift the lid

And check the seat

Before I get in place

I drop my trousers

I drop my boxers

And get ready for what I’m about to face

I grit my teeth

and close my eyes

relax my bowels and feel that sweet em-brace

It’s pooing time

That food has worked it’s way through

And now it’s time for me to go poo poo

Pooo Poooo

Hey there mr sweetcorn

Hey there mrs pepper skin

It’s lovely to see you

I enjoyed your nutritional value

But I hope we don’t meet again

It’s no offence to you

I’m sure you’re nice

But you’re covered in my faeces

Full...........of....................para-sites

On another note went to the doctors on Monday, didn't see my regular doctor but he reduced my medication further to 1 tablet every second day. Not sure how that'll go.

Seems memory can only store 2 things

2010-09-26T13:14:00.000+01:00

Well this weekend I've been kitten sitting for my sister and brother in law. They recently moved house o a much bigger one, well that is compared to their old house. Sadly their older cat has got an aggressive type of cancer, I've known her since she was a kitten and it's just another low in her life after losing her brother. She seems very depressed, not sure if cats get depression but she just looks very sad. Thankfully she seems to be in no pain even though her back leg is about twice the size of her normal legs. She loves to get brushed so I've been doing a fair bit of that this weekend. Her medication is ridiculous, she has 2 tablets that she gets twice a day but one of them she only gets half a tablet and the other she only gets 1/6th. The tablet is only a couple of mm across, have you ever tried to cut a tablet into a sixth? I sprayed most of it as dust over the kitchen floor.

My sister got a couple of kittens recently which are shown above, one's male (Ash) and the other is female (Willow) sadly my sister didn't go with the names that I suggested. Like her older cat, the female kitten has medication to get, just an eye drop into her left eye twice a day. Not an easy task. I managed it last night but this morning I have no idea if the drop went into her eye or not, she wriggled just at the exact time I squeezed the tube then went off and licked herself. The medication says for external use only so now I'm paranoid that I've damaged her kitten.

To make sure that I didn't forget to give the cat and kittens their medication I made a note of what they were to get and when on a piece of paper. Unfortunately it seems my brain can only hold 2 pieces of information at a time. Despite taking my own medication for over a year I managed to forget it yesterday.

Predictive text, using the cup to travel.

2010-09-21T16:11:00.000+01:00

It's bad enough sitting on a bus when it's full but it's even worse when you text to complain about it and type cup instead. Anyways went to Falkirk earlier to see about volunteering, had to get the bus and after Denny it was packed, full of old and other strange people. Had two old neddy women behind me talking loudly and eating even louder, I hate hearing people eat especially when you can hear ever chew and their tongue unsticking itself from the top of their mouth. Sitting cramped in on a warm, sweaty, smelly bus already makes me feel sick but hearing the constant chewing is far far worse. One day I'm just going to snap and shout at people.

It's alive

2010-09-14T10:49:00.000+01:00

Well I managed to fix my computer, I think anyway. Well it turns on now. Had to get a new power supply unit, fitted it myself which I'm proud of. Not sure I've done it right though since sometimes keeps beeping that something is loose.

When one thing gets fixed it normally means balance must be restored and hey presto the kitchen sink decides to get completely blocked. Been working on it for a few days but to no real success. The blockage is pretty well far down the pipe. Drain cleaners so far haven't worked. Fun fun fun.

Driving was going better till my instructor got a new car. She had a diesel now she has a petrol one. I'm finding it much easier to stall. My road positioning is getting a lot better but a cat ran out in front of me and I immediately swerved onto the other side of the road. Wasn't the best move to make.

Still no computer

2010-08-30T17:28:00.001+01:00

Still sadly lacking a computer.

Was out for another driving lesson today, basically drove for the full lesson. Lots and lots of roundabouts. Ended up with sore arms which isn't fun, I'm not particularly finding a good way to sit yet.

A lovely Sunday day.

2010-08-23T01:18:00.000+01:00

Was a weird sunny rainy day today. Which really isn't that weird at all for Scotland. Haven't been feeling particularly upbeat for a wee while, not sure if that's related to the medication decrease. Anyways started out in Stirling, had a lovely chicken mayo baguette which was nice. Bought some jeans which of course I don't believe in trying them on in the shops, got them home to try on to discover I could get them up but they were rather on the tight side and couldn't get my nether regions inside. So I'll have to send my mum back to return them.

After that went to watch a pub football team, made me want to play football. I'm too unfit but Christ the goalie was pretty shite, seemed to have a wheelie bin full of pies beside the goals. Then went to watch Man utd play Fulham. Was sitting in Sportsters in Falkirk when suddenly the frigging door shattered. No idea what happened but the police turned up and took away some CCTV footage. Falkirk Herald will be anticipated now. As for the match it ended Fulham 2 - Man Utd 2 but don't worry, yesterday Falkirk beat Stirling Albion 3-0.

Computer problems again

2010-08-19T22:41:00.000+01:00

Came back on Monday to find that my computer wouldn't turn on. For some reason it just sat there, flashing it's little green light at me. Not sure what happened whilst I was away but it's annoying.

Have been looking at computers for a few months, mainly for gaming but it's only wishful thinking at this current point in time. Slightly jealous of America at the moment, was looking up various sites and came across an American price comparison site Become.com . Has a lot of items for sale you can find on various sites including listings of Ebay, which is pretty damn useful. Would be great if there was a UK version available.

After looking at computers I took some time to look around the rest of the site. After spending time as a landscape gardener my eyes were drawn to various types of lawn mowers. Just look at Zero turn lawn mowers . If I was still doing lawns I'd love to have a ride on mower, which male wouldn't? Makes the job so much quicker and easier. I guess it's a lot of money but when you compare it to a normal push mower it'd take you less than a quarter of the time. Even when compared to a petrol mower you'd take half the time and do a neater more even job. You'd be able to do more gardens in the same length of time so eventually it'd pay for itself. Not all mowers are even that expensive Ariens lawn mower , it's not that much more than the price of a good petrol mower and would be a lot quicker.

I guess it all depends on the size of the gardens of grounds you're tackling. I had to work in a variety of gardens from large private ones to commercial ones and small home gardens. For commercial gardens and large private gardens where people except a certain level of finish you really need a good mower. I know from personal experience that certain types of mower such as petrol mowers used by local councils really don't work that well due to the small number of options you get for heights of the blades and since most councils are on a tight schedule they never adjust the heights from garden to garden. You end up with very patchy grass, sometimes even leaving bare soil and it just looks a complete mess. I think if I were doing it today I'd use Ariens lawn mower , it's relatively cheap and a good product that would allow you not to cut corners on workmanship at the expensive of time.

Oh yeah I remember why I made this blog in the first place.

2010-08-11T11:10:00.000+01:00

Been quite a while since I actually discussed the subject that actually started this blog. So here's an update.

Was at the doctors today after 2 months, I usually see him once a month but he was on holiday, although I won't see him again for another 2 months. We had a quick discussion about how the world was treating me and about how I looked happier, talked about what I was doing with my time, jobs and the obligatory question on the psychiatrist that never seems to contact me. It's a long long long waiting list but that's like a year now and still no word to even say I'm on the list. Anyways after discussing it and my doctor saying that medication can't cure anxiety we decided to reduce the dosage of my fluoxetine. I don't mind since I have no idea if it was doing anything and I do feel somewhat better. Well I think I do. I know I'm a lot less anxious than I was thanks to going out into public more and I can only remember feeling nauseous once in public in the past few months and that was because I wasn't feeling well.

So anyways along with halving the dosage we discussed coming off it all together eventually. That's where I'm slightly apprehensive since there's a lot of stories and evidence pointing to that being the worst stage and much more prone to suicide than at any other stage. So that's something to look forward to.

Overall I think I do feel better apart from my self loathing on the fact that I'm a fat git which in turn leads me to eating. That's something I'll have to cure myself.

On the road.

2010-08-09T20:31:00.000+01:00

Today I left the confines of the Falkirk Wheel car park and headed out on to the open road. Firstly I had to navigate one roundabout and head up into Camelon and around another roundabout and back again. So far I'm not that good with roundabouts, doing a lot of over steering. After successfully not hitting anything I drove further around another two roundabouts into Bainsford, managed to stall the car once. Which was fun. I managed to keep the car on the right side of the road so that's an improvement and managed to go at a constant speed without juddering along, so already I'm a better driver than my mother.

Driving instructor thought I was good enough to drive home and even if I wasn't it's only people in Denny who were at risk so that's fine. Coming back from Falkirk managed to do 50mph, which is legal since it's a 60mph speed limit, was going fine until I came to Denny Cross. Traffic lights were at red so had to stop, once they turned to green a very very very very slow moving old man decided that he'd cross the road, right on the way I was heading, so I had to sit in the middle of the road like a twit waiting on him. Far too many witnesses at that time to do Saints Row style driving.

However slowly and surely I seem to be getting better at it.

If I did hit someone would that mean my car insurance premium would go even higher? Hmm

Oh my sister also passed me whilst driving, I never noticed her but she noticed me, she told me that I seemed to be doing fine. She of course didn't see me in Bainsford holding up the traffic after panicking. My anxiety still exists.

Things to not read before bed

2010-08-07T02:25:00.001+01:00

Yesterday my small friend Marti went to see Twilight Eclipse, poor guy, I've already ~~suffered~~ seen it so I know how ~~bad~~ overlyhyped it is. However with that being said there is a lot worse films out there... like Remember me. Now that film is bum numbingly dull, I had to suppress laughter when standing in the queue in HMV with the people in front talking about how great the film is but how sad the ending is, they cried all night apparently. I had cried quite a bit during it too but for vastly different reasons. Sadly I know some Robert Pattinson fans, who are slightly crazy and will kill me if I dare say anything bad about him.

However as bad as Remember me is, there's worse, there's Wicker Park. I had to sit through that for a friends birthday, being the only questionably straight male at it I was vastly outnumbered in the film choice. By the end of the film my posterior was so numb that I was at genuine risk of being someones piece of pie without even noticing. If you ever want to torture someone, force them to watch Wicker Park. Seriously.

Now those are films that are in the past, there's one in the near future that gives me nightmares by only reading the synopsis. The human centipede. I hate horrors. I hate the Saw franchise. I hate the idea of Hostel but they sound to me like Mary Poppins compared to this film. I shall be taking my axe to bed to protect me.

Speaking of nightmares, I've come to realise that in the not too distant future I'm going to be requiring car insurance. I have no real idea about how much car insurance costs but it must be a decent business for car insurance companies to horrify us daily with a man yelling " Go Compare" . I'd much rather do business with a talking soviet meerkat. Come to think of it car insurance adverts are pretty damn surreal. You have a bulldog who can talk, a telephone and computer mouse that speed around on set and can talk but have no eyes or mouth, a meerkat in a smokers jacket living in a stately home who speaks with a Russian accent, a group of weirdos from the public, a scary tenor and an Admiral who's selling car insurance rather than boat insurance. Think there's an elephant somewhere too, not like in general since there's quite a few elephants dotted around but like Elephant car insurance or something along those lines.

Not sure where my train of thought was going but I did learn that the car of my dreams, the Mitsubishi L200 would be too expensive for me to insure. Sad I know.

So you're not supposed to brake that hard?

2010-08-03T17:28:00.000+01:00

Had my second driving lesson yesterday, I think it went okay but to be honest I'm not really getting the hang of it. For example the push-pull system of the wheel is a concept I just can't grasp, I keep trying to turn the wheel 360degrees without moving my hands out of position. Sooner or later I think I'll realise my arms can't go through each other.

I can't seem to change gear without looking at the gear stick, it's not very helpful to take your eyes off of the road.

This time I had to drive to different car parks and around roundabouts. Again steering is an issue, I either forget to steer or try to steer too much. Go around a roundabout you're supposed to keep you hands in one position, I kept moving mine and kept turning. I also managed to go 40mph in a 30 mph zone, whoops. I struggle with the concept of light touches to the accelerator and when she says brake I BRAKE, full foot on the brake in a move that could decapitate or result in a lovely windshield cannon move.

The Falkirk wheel is quite a popular tourist attraction so you there are other cars on the roads near it, often the people are from other countries so you never know what they might drive like. Fortunately I too drive like I'm foreign, on the wrong side of the road.

Next week I'll be out on the open road. Wooooooooooo.

Oh hello stupidity

2010-07-27T10:01:00.000+01:00

The phone rang yesterday, I picked it up and said "hello" , no answer, I said "hello" again, still no answer, the line wasn't dead I could hear movement. " Hello?" I said once more still no answer but this time I could faintly hear someone. Annoyed I hung up and went back to what I was doing. Wasn't till a little while after I looked at my phone and noticed that I had rung the house from my mobile in my pocket. It was me who I heard moving.

Mystery solved, about an hour later the phone rang again, " Hello?" I answered to which there was no reply, I repeated the process and still no answer, suddenly I remember what I had done earlier and yup it had happened again, I had been talking to myself yet again.

First driving lesson went okay, only problem being when asked questions I tend to give my answers in a sequence of words, actions and noises. She had asked what happens when a car stalls so I gave a demonstration of the noise and a little shudder of a stalling car. I wasn't particularly good at what she was telling me to do, I couldn't get the hang of steering the way she wanted me to do it, the peddles were a lot more sensitive than my normal xbox controls and being rather tall I didn't fit particularly well into her little Suzuki Swift.

I know I'm intelligent but I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to drive, you're supposed to not think and let the actions come naturally. I can't not think. I need to consider everything I'm doing and that usually means I forget something. Both my sister and mother are awful at saying which way is right and left but I'm normally pretty good at it, however when in a car I seem to forget everything.

Oh well at least I got a trip to the Falkirk Wheel.

It's about time

2010-07-26T10:04:00.000+01:00

After many years of using my legs I've finally decided to actually try to legally learn to drive. Of course I'm already an expert thanks to computer games like Project Gotham Racing, Forza and Need for Speed so this should be a cake walk. However I've failed to learn how to use brakes and prefer to use other cars to get around corners "safely" so that could be a minor issue.

My lesson isn't till this afternoon but that just gives me time to build up my anxiety, I'm already worried about killing someone. I've never been good at exams and with my nerves I can't see an instructor passing me. It will open up more opportunities though, more job prospects and of course will help me survive in the mean streets by offering the security of a revenge drive by.

However I can just picture myself passing out or opening the door and running away, with or without the car being stationary.

People still don't listen

2010-07-16T16:25:00.000+01:00

The other day someone phoned our house, my father answered and the person said " Yo there's a problem with your computer" now the normal person with common sense would automatically think yo is a strange way to start a business conversation but not my father, he just said to the person of foreign origin that it was his wife who dealt with that and passed the phone over. Now my mother does have an issues with her computer but she's also rather naive so when the person claimed to be Microsoft she blindly believed them.

She sat down at her computer and proceeded to be her helpful self, doing everything the man told her and even trying to joke with them. They directed her to a site nothing to do with Microsoft which lets people have remote access to your computer from anywhere in the world. Hmmm that seems odd but of course they told her they were searching for the problem. Now she sat there for 40 minutes letting them have free range of her files before it asked her to buy something, which at that point she did make some excuses and hang up. The people on the other end didn't hang up though.

Now at that stage I appeared and used my mobile to phone my brother in law who has a good understanding of computers, he told me to disconnect the internet and switch everything off. Which I did.

Meanwhile my father is phoning the house trying to see if he gets through, no still engaged. Chris then says to dial 1471 and get the number to give to the police, I tell my father to dial 1471 and it comes back with a mobile number. I log onto the police website and start looking at forms, I suddenly think of something and ask my father what HIS mobile number is. He doesn't know so goes and looks. Comes back AND the number matches the one he gave me.

The day after I tell my mother NOT to switch on the computer explaining that it's most likely there will be programmes on her computer to muck up the firewall and virus scanner. I come back later to find out she has used her computer and says it's fine. She doesn't actually know it's fine, she's just saying that. I told her to at least phone her bank and warn them. Does she do that? No instead she logs into her bank account online whilst I'm telling her about keyloggers.

Ah parents are fun.

Huhs and lisps

2010-07-11T17:12:00.001+01:00

Strange title I know but it has some relevance. Woke up a few times during the night and replied to text messages, well at least tried to. I assume everyone knows about predictive text so what you're aiming to type doesn't always come out the way you want it, especially when you're mentally still asleep. It can lead to some bizarre and possible worrying messages being sent.

I probably should start turning my phone off at night but I never really get round to it. I'm pretty good at losing my phone so if it's on I at least have the option of phoning myself to find it.

Spent the morning and early afternoon watching the British grand prix, wasn't too bad, nothing overly exciting after the first lap. I've always wondered how Formula one makes it's money, I'm guessing there's no mega big prize funds at the end so is it all via sponsors? If so surely since Red Bull own their team and they have their own logo on the cars it means they're losing money? Ach well.

Just under 2.5 hours until the world cup final kicks off, hopefully Holland or the Netherlands will win.

Elsewhere in the world I spent the day proving to my father that the tv downstairs doesn't get a good picture due to the aerial from the roof being half way down the house. Even after showing him physical evidence he still says the picture quality has nothing to do with the aerial.

Meh

2010-07-04T18:31:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I just hate waking up. I know that I over think and analyse things but somethings just stand out. Like when people don't talk to you for a while. Maybe they're just busy but maybe I've offended them. Not sure how but that's what I think. Maybe they just don't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just annoying. There's a lot of maybes and they all end up negative. I'm not entirely sure what I should do about it. Like when I left school for university you try to keep in touch with your friends from school but when they don't phone you back you don't want to seem like a weirdo and call them again incase they just want rid of you. Then you just leave it for years and years. Of course being me I never really made friends at university either. Ah shyness and social awkwardness how you've molded my life.

New header

2010-07-03T04:52:00.002+01:00

Have a new blog header thanks to my good friend Rachal. She made me a few different ones but sadly I don't know how to save them so the gif animation ones actually work.

Soon be time for Santa

2010-07-01T22:58:00.000+01:00

Can't believe it's July already. Half of 2010 already gone. Just seems so quick.

Most of the year seems wasted, I've been trying to get fitter, gave up on the Irn Bru, been trying harder to get a job, started volunteering and have went out more. Hoping that it will help to lower my social anxiety. So far it has.

Still missing the feel of doing something constructive though. Haven't had a single reply in months.

I'm Scottish I shouldn't have to deal with warmth.

2010-06-21T18:15:00.000+01:00

Anyone who knows me knows I don't particularly like warm weather. I don't cope in it at all. I HATE sweating and I do it a lot. It's not even July yet and it seems to be bloody boiling outside. How I long for Autumn, that lovely time of year when it's not too warm and not cold enough to worry about ice.

Anyways, back in the real world I recently put my name down for volunteering at the Seagull trust and on Saturday went along to an open day to see what I can do. Had a brief presentation which seemed to go on too long for my liking, started to panic but didn't give into the fear. After that went out on a barge for a wee cruise, not easy when you're about twice the height of the inside, sitting down. Was a lovely peaceful way to see the canal though, I sound so old.

Elsewhere in the world the World Cup is still going on, it seems to me like it looks like it's playing Fifa on world class mode, running around not making many chances and having to 1 touch the ball before you get whacked by the computer. Although sadly today North Korea were playing on beginner setting, got humped 7-0 by Portugal.

LAND AHOY!!

2010-06-16T17:07:00.000+01:00

Miaow screeched first mate Dougie, I turned to the door to see what he had spotted, MIAOW he yelped again as he caught sight of my eyes. I turned back to what I was doing, MY GOD, I said, DOUGLAS DOUGLAS, I've found it. After three treacherous days, I had discovered the floor of my room. It lay hidden beneath an Index catalogue from spring 2003. This will be the day that goes done in history. Miaow said Dougie, it wasn't the floor that he had seen, it was the time, 4pm, feeding time.

I pulled down my clean towel mask that had been protecting me against dust and went to feed Douglas, mmh beef in gravy.

Too much time

2010-06-15T21:00:00.002+01:00

Whilst I'm working on the cleaning, I keep my head focused on the goal of a nice clean room where you can actually bring someone into and not need to be vaccinated first. I actually don't vaccinate people at the moment but the quarantine zone is getting too crowded and keeping people locked up for 6months is apparently kidnapping.

Along with being able to bring people in, I want to move my computer so I'm not surrounded by food every time I log on. Unfortunately for me my computer is getting rather old, preferably I'd have a nice Alienware computer
but they're slightly out of my price range just now especially with the lack of a job. I can live and dream though.

And you thought old tv guides were bad......

2010-06-15T18:12:00.003+01:00

Yeah, I thought finding some 2004 tv guides whilst cleaning was bad, that was until I discovered a decomposing plastic bag, isn't that shit supposed to have like a 1000year half life? Oh well never mind, do you think 2003 Argos catalogues will be worth anything on Ebay?

At least I know I'm getting closer to the floor.

I seem to of pulled a muscle in my ass.

2010-06-15T17:29:00.002+01:00

I had no idea what I was going to title this post until I sat down and noticed my buttock seems to be rather sore. The left cheek, no idea why. Spent the day cleaning, found a few tv guides from 2004, that really makes my last cleaning attempt look worse. I'll start on 2005 soon.

Been sneezing for the past hour which is always fun, will probably have whiplash soon, maybe I have it in my left buttock.

Lets see what else is new, well I walked through the living room earlier to see my cat licking his crotch and his little excited pink member peering out, you were right Chris, he did like you.

Been watching the world cup, sadly England didn't lose.

Went to Glasgow a few fridays ago, got there and discovered I didn't feel well, spent the next hour in the train station bog, getting my 30p worth, then another 30 odd mins in another bog. Not sure what is worse, paying to not eat at an all you can eat buffet or buying a train ticket to go to the toliet?

Back to sneezing again.

Haven't posted in a while

2010-06-02T06:55:00.002+01:00

Having major trouble sleeping. Keep going to sleep at a normal time like midnight then waking up around 3am. Just lay there trying to get back to sleep for hours on end but nothing ever seems to happen. That is until I get up, do something vaguely constructive like typing on here then have breakfast and I'll fall asleep until lunch. Not on purpose.

Other than that I keep having weird dreams and nightmares. It's just horrible to wake up after a vivid dream all warm and covered in sweat.

I have to admit I'm becoming depressed again, nothing socially, it's employment. Applying for more and more jobs in the hope of getting something but to no avail. Nobody even replies. There must be something I can do. I just want to be able to get out of this hole and start building my life.

Out of Tune Idol 3

2010-05-11T10:59:00.002+01:00

Head on over to Mean Girl Garage to see me in action along with Puggled out and Marti singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Do politics lack moose? Ah it's all I could come up with.

2010-04-22T23:46:00.003+01:00

I was watching tv tonight, mainly comedy but did see some parts of the second political debate. So far I've concluded that David Cameron is a bit of a twat. He seems to talk nonsense, not that I agree with any of the other two main parties either.

Anyways why do the three biggest parties get the most attention, surely that's unfair to the others. I mean yeah it's more likely Manchester United or Chelsea will win the league but you can't discount Forest Green Rovers.

To me Nick Clegg looks like David Cameron and Gordon Brown is just under a pile of shite left by Tony Blair. I can't see why they don't get the green party to come on, now there's some good policies.

As Johnny Cash would say......

2010-04-09T15:24:00.002+01:00

.........nothing, he can't talk, he's dead.

I talk about it a lot, well to myself at least but how do you accept compliments and stop putting yourself down?

Girls like a confident male, I'm only confident that I'm not confident which apparently doesn't count as confidence.

I guess there's different levels of confidence, there's arrogance where you think you're awesome. Modesty which is good then at the bottom there's self harming vet, the guy who keeps putting himself down.

Over the past month there has been a change in my luck and coping with anxiety does seem to be getting better. Have had some help though. Going from being too anxious to eat to enjoying a meal in public in a matter of weeks is pretty damn good. Obtaining self belief is pretty damn crucial and every time I don't die seems to indicate I might not die next time either. However I do prefer to have the amber lamps on stand by.

The art of sleeping.

2010-04-06T04:42:00.003+01:00

Seriously I seem to have forgotten how to sleep. I go to bed, lay down then some time goes by and I wake up after only 2 frigging hours AND somehow in that space of time I've managed to text someone saying " Can't remember anything ". WHAT?!! I don't know now I can't remember anything, it must of been a premonition.

Toooodaloooooooooo

2010-03-28T03:16:00.001+01:00

It's been a while since I wrote anything. Don't know why but it has been.

It's now 3:20 am thanks to BST and today I turn 27. Say happy birthday and I'll smack you. Seriously.

I'm thinking a lot but I don't know how to translate those thoughts into words. Most of the thoughts I haven't had for a while. I know it's not a natural way to think but I can't help it. I haven't been able to sleep recently, waking up after a few hours having vivid nightmares, just feels pathetic for a grown man to wake up in a cold sweat wishing he had someone to hold. I don't think I'll ever have someone though. Girls just don't want what I can offer....which is lightbulb changing....without the ladder. Even when you do meet a nice girl you like who likes you the fact she likes you makes it feel even worse, you just know it'll end sometime and the best thing to do is just to turn around and say you can't speak to her anymore then you won't be hurt.

I know this isn't the way you're meant to think but it's what my brain tells me. I have intelligence, I have imagination but I hate my brain. I hate what it does to me. I get so nervous, so nervous when sitting in a resuarant I couldn't eat. That's just fucking pathetic, I paid to sit and not eat at an all you can eat buffet.

What can I do with my life? I don't know. I'm pretty much useless. I lay awake and consider ending it but I can't, I can't bare the thought of who finds you. I don't want to think like this and it's one sure fire way to stop it but I can't, I don't want to, I want to get better. I want to do something worthwhile.

I'm lost in my mind and nobody knows.

Panic in the streets of Denny, Panic in the streets of Dunipace......

2010-03-17T14:34:00.002Z

Oh how fun life is, went to get my hair cut since it badly needed it. Hairdressers was empty, good that'll help the anxiety. Well I thought it would. Two seconds after sitting down start to feel faint and sweat a lot, hairdresser is quite attractive and that made it worse. Wanted to apologise so badly for being all icky but couldn't get the words out. Instead just sat there like some weirdo betting like a switch.

Slam head table. Repeat.

It is rather disheartening not to be able to do something so simple without fear of looking like a convict hiding from the police.

The connection light of happiness.

2010-03-15T20:19:00.005Z

Today I'll start with a poem if my internet decides to behave.

Little connection light not flashing there,
making me pull out my hair,
you seem to me to be extremely stable,
which results in me not able,
to check my emails or play my games,
it makes me consider Virgin to be real lame,
I think you enjoy putting me in distress,
but I'm gripping my axe like it started with all the rest,
the graphics card, the television and the phone,
to name just a few that went wrong,
patience is a virtue that I don't possess,
so I'm going to find you, chib you and hack you into little pieces,
feed you to people till you become faeces.

Internet or router or something isn't working properly so bit annoyed with it, luckily I'm an understanding man.......

Chuggers, cooking, runners and of course the obligatory moose.

2010-03-08T11:51:00.017Z

Lets see what day is it today? Oh that's right it's Monday. Got a few days worth of information stored up, just a shame I can't remember it all properly.

Lets try and start with Friday. Firstly I went over to Falkirk, met my brother in law in town and we went to get ingredients for cooking. After a quick trip into Waterstones since I had forgotten to bring the recipe and couldn't remember what I actually needed to buy we were attacked by a midget chugger who came up to us and asked...

" You know what I want don't you?"

I replied " No......."

She asked again.......again I said no.

She then turned to Chris ( Chris is my brother in law, I'm getting fed up writing that all the frigging time ) and talked about charities. I can't remember the whole conversation but I made some Falkirk based jokes. We eventually escaped her clutches and went into the Jeremy Kyle audition centre and made our way to Marks and Spencers, picked up what I guessed we needed then made our way out after chibbing some old people who got in our way.

Soon after our exit from the incredibly warm shop known as Markies we were once again attacked by a chugger, this time a little blonde one. She quickly came between us and put her arm around Chris and tried to get me too but I was smart, I stepped to the side. After making it clear we weren't interested in anything, she told us a joke, a very very bad joke.

We then went swiftly to the butchers to obtain the main part of the meal, the beef.

After noticing he had plenty of time I went with Chris to the cafe where he was meeting his friend. I did feel rather panicky in the place but for some reason after moving to a different table where I could see the window and freedom after Chris's friend arrived I felt calmer. Finished my drink and left them in peace as I went to subway for a lovely footlong sweet chili chicken sub.

Some time went by then I made dinner of a basic beef stir fry, it was quite nice but not the best thing I can cook. Both my sister and Chris said it was good and I ken I should accept the compliment but I can't help but think they're just saying it's good to not hurt my feelings.

This was also the day that I started my moose smuggling business, Chris had got me an early birthday present. A moose. From now on he'll be known as Montgomery. Despite the language barrier myself and Montgomery bonded fast. We were to become good friends.

In the last afternoon I received a phone call telling me someone had phoned about my CV and wanted to speak to me. My father had told my mother this, not sure why I wasn't the person to notify. He also didn't tell her the persons name or the company it was for so the message was frigging vague. With the use of the internet I managed to find out who it was and proceeded nervously into phoning them. I called twice but no answer, it was soon after 5pm and didn't think anyone would be there. I then phoned my father to quiz him on it and ask the persons name but nope he didn't remember.

This is a man who complains I don't have a job, he complains when I don't take messages for him, complains I do nothing when he fucking doesn't do anything to help. He doesn't understand anxiety, he doesn't understand depression, he doesn't actually know what I want to do, he doesn't know anything about what I know how to do. I spent years studying science, science is what I know. I apply to a fair amount of jobs, I hate not doing anything. Just sitting is making my anxiety worse. I want to do something constructive. I don't want to be a bum. In a year I've had a lot of rejection letters, 2 interviews and now a phone call about a job and he doesn't take an appropriate message and doesn't even fucking tell ME!!! the person who it's fucking for about the fucking phone call.

What makes it even fucking worse, I come home to find he blames my mother for not giving me the message soon enough. SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I have no idea how I've managed to never swear at my parents.

Later that night we watched Smoking Aces, I'm not sure what type of film it's meant to be but we found it pretty funny.

On to Saturday. A day of fun and frolics.

Chris's uncle was running in a double marathon so we went a long to watch. I felt a bit anxious at the first checkpoint we visited and did think I was going to collapse into the canal. What fun that'd be.
Montgomery at the Falkirk wheel supporting Chris's uncle and cheering on the other runners. The second picture has some advice that would of been useful to some ravers later in the day.

Before leaving the Falkirk Wheel he visited the memorial to the brave parachuting Teddies who lost their lives back in September 09 .

From there we went onto Muiravonside country park. It had been a long trip for Monty so he had a rest

Before sampling the national drink

and phoning his family back in Sweden.

After phoning his family, Chris, my sister, Montgomery and myself went up to the Aquaduct to cheer on the runners.

The path was very narrow so we had to stand at the end. Monty rushed out and attacked a runner who then came hobbling up to us on the brink of tears, we denied all knowledge of the moose and for the rest of the day put him in a disguise.

On the way back to the car, Monty had another drink

before grazing on some good Scots grass

After reaching the car we drove along to another spot which had more ned cars per person than any other place in the world.

We then drove on to the second last stop and Monty tried to board a bar barge for a drink. Moose were not allowed.

Getting increasingly more hungry Monty decided to stealth himself and wait for the hobbling runners to pick them off one at a time.

The runners took their time so he watched a donkey try to mate with a Shetland pony. No pictures of it.

It grew darker and darker, coming across a mild mannered man taking pictures of the sunset, Monty tried his hand at photobombing.

The day came to a close and Monty thanked everyone for a wonderful day by emitting a small beam of light through his antlers.

Brick walls and running through them.

2010-03-03T22:30:00.002Z

Today wasn't my best day in a while. Nothing bad happened just a minor setback on the anxiety coping confidence.

Firstly was at the dentist in the morning receiving a check up, got there and due to an emergency there was a 15 minute delay. Walked into the waiting room to see it jam packed. Most of the people were more emergency patients. I waited for 20 minutes before I started to become very anxious, eventually stood up, went to reception and asked if it was ok to wait outside. Girl looked at me weird, she only looked about 16 and asked if I wanted to wait in my car, I replied no before stating just stand outside. Again she looked at me weird. She said it was fine and off I wandered to the door, fresh cool air and freedom.

I was thankful to be outside, another 20 minutes pass before the dental nurse comes taking me in, panic sets in. I've known my dentist for years but today I just felt awful, lying there waiting, she kept talking. I nodded politely to everything, trying to hide my anxiety. It didn't last long but in my eagerness to run away managed to whack my head off the dental light.

Back to reception to book my next appointment, girl still looking at me like I'm another species.

Thankfully back out into the fresh crisp cold air and off to walk to my sisters house to see my brother in law.

I really like just walking along listening to music, seems so much easier to breathe.

Anyways, after meeting up with my brother in law, we headed over to Stirling. In the Thistle Centre and I start to feel anxious again. I don't know why, I can't explain it, just hit me. We went back outside, I started to calm down then we went for lunch, I felt faint, anxiety again. I felt like punching myself and screaming don't be such a pussy, all you're doing is going into a shop.

During lunch I start to calm down, had a good talk with brother in law which helped. Afterward we wandered up to the Castle and graveyard. Graveyard was really peaceful. After a walk and an encounter with some ice, bugger just crept up on me. We dandered back into town and offski home.

I know it's more of a girl thing to worry about but can't help noticing I look fatter. Trying to eat less and exercise more just doesn't seem to be working. Gives the confidence another hit.

Got to keep trying. Got to keep going into public. Got to keep exercising. I can beat it.

Singing makes you feel better

2010-03-02T11:51:00.002Z

You may remember that I took part in a bad singing competition over at Jules , this time I'm not taking part but my brother in law is as well as Marti.

Quite hard who to choose for between family and friend, although my brother in law did start his video with a picture of me so that gives him some negative points. He'll learn one day that I dislike cameras.

My brother in law sang Ring of Fire, quality song by Johnny Cash. Much to my sisters disappointment I introduced him to the joys of Johnny Cash and his less than happy songs. Also it's a strange fact that one of the first times I met him we ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody in a white van on our way back from Ikea.

Now Marti, he sang stand by your man. His voice to me is really quite posh and I've heard him speak before numerous times on Ventrilo so I knew what to expect. Saying that I really wasn't expecting it to be that funny to listen too. It's just something that brings a smile out and I've heard him explain to me why he's scared of sausages. That's not a joke he did explain it to me AND it's nothing to do with his height.

Anyways, in an out of tune singing contest it should be the one who can't sing who wins but like everything in this Eurovision world it becomes a popularity contest, voting for the person who has the most nuclear weapons.

I keep realising this is now March. So? you may ask, well March is the time of year when I grow one year older. This year it's the big 27 and I really don't know where the time has gone. Being old sucks.

I had something proper to write but I've been doodling with paint and forgot what I was going to say.

Moose diversity and the impact on the Canadian ecosystem.

2010-02-27T01:06:00.006Z

I went over to Canada earlier and took this picture. I think it clearly shows the problem that Canadians are having reguarding the diversity of moose in their ecosystem. Currently 86.3% of all Canadian moose only speak French, 11.4% only speak Canadian English, 2.1% are bilingual and the remaining 0.2% speak only speak Morse code after a very bad mix up at the moose language depot.

This is why we need to start smuggling foreign moose into Canada to diversify the moose population. I can't imagine the difficulties normal Canadians face when the stop and ask a moose for directions and he only speaks French and you don't have your cat with you to translate.

Do you know how hard it was to get those moose to stay still while I captured that photo? Yeah the one on the left was easy but the other two, god damn man. J'adore pomme de terre is not French for please stand still.

I guess I could smuggle my cat in so he can translate the French speaking moose but you know that sounds a bit far fetched. I'm liking plan A better of smuggling Swedish moose on a boat to Alaska, which is like the other side to where I'd end up but my plan means we have to land at Alaska. Once into Alaska we find Sarah Palin and bribe her with the prospect of teaching her French so she can conquer the world. Yeah I ken that it'd be a short lesson but I think she'll buy it. Then once we have Sarah Palin walking around saying " Bonjour, J'adore pomme de terre" we go to the Alaska / Canada border then hop across. Ta daaaaaaa we're in Canada with Swedish moose teaching the French speaking Canadian moose how to speak Swedish. Although I don't know Swedish and I'm not sure Swedish moose know French. I suppose I could go back and smuggle my cat in to talk to the French speaking Canadian moose but I'm not sure he understands Swedish either.

Anyways that's the plan, may need some fine tuning but as a meerkat would say, simples.

You know, I actually had something proper to write here and I've just spent the time talking about other things and have forgotten what I was actually going to write about.

Computer games get a lot of bad press. Now they're one of the things being blamed for sexualising women.

Computer games can be good, seriously. They make kids read for a start, they encourage co-operation, there's logic problems to solve, surprisingly they can help learn about other countries, cultures and aid social skills.

At this current point in time I play two main platforms for gaming, PC and Xbox 360.

Now this picture I have here is of World of Warcraft. It's an old picture, oldest I could find since I think most of my older, better pictures were lost when I had to get my computer fixed.

Anyway this picture shows two characters, one character is a night elf warrior called Nsane and the other is a dwarf hunter called Khalide. Now that won't mean much to most people but that dwarf is now a good friend of mine in reality. You'll know him as Marti, he's the short guy who looks a lot like his character but not so round. I've now known him from some time in early 2006 or late 2005, think it was early 2006 but I can't remember that part. It's been a long time.

I had played Warcraft RTS ( real time strategy) games before and was quite excited about seeing the world in 3D and it was pretty cool but I never expected to actually find someone to talk too and have a laugh with. Now we were far from being good players but damn we made a good team. I ran into the opposite team hundreds of times to save his flag carrying ass, we usually ended up losing anyway but that's not the point. We went down fighting, sort of.

Now that little dwarf has grown up ( not in height ) and got married but we still talk, I still make jokes about his height and he still possibly goes to bed crying, wishing I'd stop but you know what he's my friend and every week I send him a couple of shortbread biscuits. With all those passing weeks he gets half an inch closer to being able to survive a flood in Chard. I just hope the flood waters don't break up the shortbread biscuits otherwise he'll have to swim. Since he's a surfer I assume he knows how to swim so that's good but it doesn't take anyway anything from the significance of those shortbread biscuits. Those biscuits help him to reach the stars and other biscuits in the higher shelves in Tesco.

Those shortbread biscuits signify something more than impending heart failure, they stand for friendship. The friendship between one man, one short short man and another man who is like 1 foot taller and mocks him ever so much but it's friendly mocking. It's joshing.

It's nice to be nice, so lets make today a nice day. Lets make today a day when Falkirk travel away from home and beat Dundee Utd.

Keeping with the nice theme and being in what is a relatively good mood at close to 3am. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but over the past few years it has been hard and there are people I should say thank you to more often than I do if ever.

Like Marti is someone great to talk to and understands many things, except computers, seriously I had to teach him so much.
"No Marti that's the power button don't press that one, if you do that you can't read what's here."

Ah I josh, I josh. He knows how to turn his computer on.....he asks his wife.

Taking away the shortbread, now he can't reach to punch me.

Ok lets get serious again. I really should thank my sister since over the past year and a half she's been great. I'm not one for saying or writing I love you in cards but I'll mock you. I'll tell you that you're hair looks like Harry Potter went to T in the Park and had Hermione Granger sitting on his shoulders to see a band and it was her time of the month and she had a really heavy flow concentrated on the fringe. Now I may say that but my sister knows I'm joking. She'll cry for a while but then she'll seek vengeance on her patients.

Again getting serious, my sister has been great, she understands the anxiety, she understands the stress. She also picked a good person to marry. I aint going to get all soppy but my brother in law is great too. Again he understands what it's like plus he understands my sense of humour. Sitting in a living room or in a car laughing for 6 hours is a pretty damn good pick me up when life isn't going too well. The jokes are bad, sometimes sick and quite often end in Toooooooooodaloooooooooooooooooo muthafucka but it's all good.

It's great to have someone you can talk to about converting your sisters car into a convertable and hog tying a moose and putting it in her boot whilst you phone the police from a safe distance.

There's a lot of things I am thankful for and I'm glad that I can finally see them.

Smuggling moose and the effect on orange juice prices in Kansas.

2010-02-26T01:50:00.004Z

Now I have a lot of thoughts running about my head and I'm sorry to disappoint you but I shall not be discussing the price of orange juice in Dorothy's homeland.

The topics I'm currently thinking of are, in no particular order

Hockey
Dating
Parents
Moose smuggling
How can I hover above ice
and
Family

Hockey is an easy one, there's the final of the women ice hockey on the tv and I'm watching it. Sort of.

Parents, now that's a topic that drives me mental. Yesterday I turned the heating off because it had been on all day and I was getting rather hot. My mother then complained because she was cold. She's always cold. Then my father comes home and asks why the heating isn't on since it was cold outside, despite the fact he complains daily that the heating is on too much.

Now two weeks ago the boiler died, dead boiler means no heating so my mother went and stayed at my grans till it was fixed since she hates being cold. My father spent most of his time at work so he had heating for most of the day. The only person really affected was me, I got to have no heating for around 5 to 6 days for 24hours a day. Fun. I do not like being too hot but when you start trying to warm up in the fridge you know it's not good.

I also got the task of waiting for the plumbers. Day 1 got up early, had a FREEZING cold bath waited all day and no plumbers came. Day 2, got up early, freezing bath again. This time the plumbers do turn up. Spend a wee while in the room with the boiler then the plumber starts asking me questions like what am I doing these days and do I still see anyone from school? I was rather confused, stood looking at the plumber till it dawned on me that I knew him. First thing I say " Christ man, at least you've grown a bit".

Yesterday I also found an empty bottle of olive oil in the cupboard, now I only use olive oil like once every 6 months, my mother never uses it and my father uses it a lot. On that basis I asked him why he put an empty bottle back in the cupboard and turns around and denies it was him. WTF? Seriously no wonder the people he works with suggested he runs for council.

My brother in law who now has his own blog suggested I should run at the next election and he'll pay the fee. I can't remember what campaign we were going to do but we were walking along side Callendar park at the time so something about squirrels popped up.

Now onto the subject of dating. Right I know bugger ALL about dating. I haven't exactly done it much. How the hell do you actually ask a girl out these days? How the hell do you actually let a girl know you like her? More importantly how the hell do you talk to girls?

So far in my limited experience there's a few things you shouldn't talk about with girls. Vomit. Toilet troubles. Death. Three easy to remember subjects and three easy to remember things not to talk about. Sadly have you ever tried to remember anything suitable when you're so nervous and concentrating so hard on not fainting. It's bloody hard. Also I'm not some strange psycho but for some reason my conversations with my brother in law do tend to focus on death and scaring the shit out of people. Not for real but comedy. We're laughing, we're joking, we're discussing where best to hide a body in the local Tesco, just normal guy stuff. So right it's hard to remember that a girl is not the same as a guy, they don't find this stuff amusing. Add to all that trouble you have to remember who your sister's friends are. It's bloody hard.

I have no idea what my sister actually thinks when we start talking about some things.

Moose smuggling, I have no idea where it came from but it came up in conversation one day. It started off as something else, now the plan is to smuggle a moose, tie it to the passenger seat of my brother in laws car, blindfold it and put a ball gag in it's mouth. Just drive around Falkirk. Maybe go see the neds in their wee cars.

Actually scrub that, better idea. My sister just got her first car. Lets tie the moose up, with the blindfold and the ball gag, put it in her boot and when she gets to work it'll be hilarious.

Should try make the fire alarm go off before she gets there so everyone is outside. Ah that'll be great. Laughter all round. What would be better to put dental patients minds at ease than a bondage loving moose in the back of a Punto.

A new dawn

2010-02-23T15:43:00.002Z

As I'm getting older I realise that I need to do more things with my life.

I'm not sure what the priorities should be but I assume getting a job is number one. After that it begins to get hazy. I find myself longing to be elsewhere, walking across Canada, smuggling a moose in Sweden or just panicking in another country. It's a simple plan but you know it sounds fun to me.

My goal for the year is to get fitter, it's a goal that is not going too well so far but if I want to apply to the police then it's something I need to do. There's one major stumbling block, my love for Irn Bru. The amount of sugar I consume without realising is pretty scary.

I suppose I should try to cure my anxiety but other than confronting it I don't know what I can do. Was in a bird hide on Saturday with other people and didn't once feel anxious so that's good.

Sunday 31st January 2010

2010-01-31T00:46:00.004Z

Thank god January is almost over. Not been the funnest month especially the past few days. As I mentioned previously I was going to a funeral on Saturday, it was for my great uncle so didn't directly affect me. However it's family and it's better to go for my Gran. It was her brother in law and my Grandfathers death affected me, not entirely sure how but during counselling it was the thing that I just couldn't talk about and made me cry.

I was staying at my sisters the night before the funeral since it's just around the corner and at around 11pm there was a phone call to the house. My brother in laws father had died. Again it doesn't affect me directly although I talk to my brother in law a fair bit but in this circumstance I just didn't ken what to say. Normally I make jokes about death, I had a field day when MJ died but when it's family it's just bad taste. Not saying anything just seemed ignorant though. It's a times like those you wish you had an ice breaker like " I have AIDS ". In the past year both my sister and my brother in law have been a big help.

So with that bit of bad news neither of them slept much and he and some of his relatives had to head north in the morning. With the best of bad luck it had been snowing again which made my sister worry. Snow + ice + lack of sleep is not a good combination when walking so I highly doubt it's good for driving.

At the funeral I was surprised by the volume of people there, so many that the place was overcrowded. This didn't help me, I started to panic and drip sweat . Was horrible. Eventually my sister took my outside so I could calm down. After the service there was a reception which wasn't pleasant, so many old people all talking loudly and the room just felt like it was boiling, it may of been the lack of sleep but I started to feel dizzy. I felt like I was going to pass out, I could just hear the blethering of the old people around me, it felt like hell.

It's strange seeing people you haven't seen in years and they look so old.

On a another sad not, Falkirk lost again.

Rangers 3 - Falkirk 0.

Thursday 28th January 2010

2010-01-28T21:46:00.004Z

Lets start with last nights football results, we didn't lose WOOOOOOOOOOOOO

it ended

Falkirk 0 - Motherwell 0

However we will be losing captain Darren Barr at the end of the season to Hearts, boooooooo.

Elsewhere in sport Andy Murray is into the final of the Aussie Tennis open final, obviously he's taking inspiration for my run in the out of tune idol. I'm a little scared that the world may come to an end soon when a Scot finally wins something.

At this current point in time I'm busy cooking a joint of pork, obviously not too busy since I'm writing this. The time is 21 : 52 when I'm typing this piece of news. That should let you ken it's fairly late at night. My Father thoughtfully brought it home after he noticed it on extra special discount since it's use by date is today. Of course I get to cook it since I'm the best cook and also because I complain when he tries to do something in the kitchen. He only kens how to make food taste bland. He's been cooking for more years than I've been alive and still doesn't ken you're meant to heat the pan before adding the food. He gets really pissed off when I point stuff out to him, especially when he uses a vegetable knife to cut meat. I'm only telling him because it's wrong but he just doesn't seem to want to ken.

Better go check on my pork and figure out what show tune I'm going to sing.

Tuesday 26th January 2010

2010-01-26T00:13:00.004Z

So Falkirk lost yet again at the weekend, getting humped at home by Dundee United

Falkirk 1 - Dundee Utd 4

This Saturday coming I'll be going to a funeral ( not for Falkirks season ). Seriously need a hair cut but last time I went to the hairdressers I started feeling nauseous and just said yes to everything to make her hurry up. I ken that I should grab my balls and just go do it but I just can't help being paranoid.

Was at my sisters on Friday and Saturday which was fun. Anytime being away from my parents is good. Sometimes I wish I could just get on a plane and walk across Canada, the non icy bits of course.

I could and should write more but I just feel too stressed and ARGHY.

Tuesday 19th January 2010

2010-01-19T13:27:00.004Z

Bad news everyone, sadly after last years heroics of reaching the Scottish Cup finals, Falkirk lost to Kilmarnock last night.

It ended

Kilmarnock 1 - Falkirk 0

Now lets just hope we can hump them in the league.

Saturday 16th January 2010

2010-01-16T16:56:00.004Z

Good news everyone

Celtic 1 - Falkirk 1

We're inching closer to safety.

Thursday 14th January 2010

2010-01-14T11:28:00.004Z

Results are in for Out of Tune Idol and damn I'm through to round three. Theme for next week is soft rock ballads from the 70s, immediately I thought of Meat Loaf but one of the damn judges has now said she wants to hear Meat Loaf, curse her, curse them all.

Must of been snowing again, which is far from fun. Constant dripping coming from the gutters so stuff on the roof must be melting which means ice later, YAY!!!

Tuesday 12th January 2010

2010-01-12T11:03:00.007Z

Just back from the doctors, he said I looked better and to be honest I feel better too. I still have some slight feeling of dread that I'm going to collapse and look like a twat but I also ken that I didn't throw up or collapse yesterday so I probably won't today. Everyday is a step in the right direction, unless I collapse, throw up, fall on ice, become pregnant or find rabbits mauling at my windows. Some of those are less likely than others.

Speaking of dread, it's Tuesday and that can only mean it's the next round of out of tune idol over at the mean girls garage. I'm dreading this for a number of reasons, for starters I had no idea what songs were played in strip clubs so I asked google for help. I couldn't be fucked looking like a twat on camera whilst I waited on the non singing bit to finish so I just threw in the towel and went fuck it. Thirdly I made my clip more involved this time so it's more personal. I'm not sure if I want to reach the next round or not. I ken I'm an awful singer but am I awful enough?

Up until very recently there was pretty much no photographic evidence of me since I hate having my picture taken. Earlier last year my sisters husband managed to get this great picture.

Then later in the year he managed to capture this at my sisters birthday
Finally there was this one taken sometime in the year at Carron Valley without my knowledge, I never smile. I miss my sideburns and tufty.

Thursday 7th January 2010

2010-01-07T19:11:00.003Z

Spent most of the day accidentally sleeping. I'm not entirely sure how it was an accident but it just happened. Woke up to the news that a family member died, I think great uncle is the term since my parents were only children.

I'm beginning to hate Yahoo, each time I go to log on it comes up with Yahoo news talking about some female whose been found dead.

My brother in law whose rather good with a camera sent me some of the pictures he had taken last year, I miss my sideburns and tufty. He was charged with taking pictures of my sister and I so that she had more recent photos.

Elsewhere at the out of tune contest I somehow made it through to the next round, not entirely sure if this is a good or bad thing. Now I have to think what songs might be heard in a strip club, I have no idea.

Tuesday 5th January 2010

2010-01-05T18:57:00.004Z

Was snowing again during the night, not too much but it'll end up freezing and creating more ice. ARGH!! I think whenever I have to go outside I'll do the dog with worms technique, just to be on the safe side. Haven't decided if I'll do it with or without trousers on yet.

Today was the first round of the Out of tune contest over at Mean Girl Garage. I'm genuinely surprised that I'm getting some votes. I was rather apprehensive in seeing the results but luckily it's all good humoured and the judges comments were pretty much hilarious.

I'm not counting my chickens yet but the next theme is songs you might hear in a strip club. WTH? Does Scotland even have any strip clubs? Hopefully it includes the songs you hear while the strippers cry out the back and cut themselves, I'm thinking Johnny Cash's version of Hurt, classy or the theme tune from M*A*S*H. I wonder if drunk Scottish people stripping to the sound of O Flower of Scotland counts.

Monday 4th January 2010

2010-01-04T19:19:00.004Z

Ah don't you just love the joys of winter. Christmas, New years, slipping on ice, council not supplying people with grit and of course pushing cars out of ruts when they get stuck. The last one was I was doing today. It was LOTS of fun. My father had managed to slide his car off the runway into the side and there was no grip to get it out. That's where sons come into action. I had been wondering why people breed but now I ken, people breed solely for the reason to be able to get their cars out of trouble.

Now I probably should called it a driveway rather than a runway since our house isn't on an airport and I should go back and call it a driveway in the first place but going backwards isn't my style. So I spent my evening trying to push a car on ice. This was far from easy, no grip for the car and no grip for me so wasn't working well. Finally I went and destroyed the box Douglas played in and put the flappy parts under the car tyres. With one final struggle I managed to push the car free. After that I died. Well almost. I really am unfit. Now to nap while I reset my chest.

So last night in the UK the greatest show on Earth started and finally Hell froze over. Yes that's right " Celebrity " Big Brother is back. Now I don't watch Big Brother since I think it's mind numbingly dull but the live launch shows do make me curious. I think the Americans will ken who more of the Celebrities are than I do.

Stephen Baldwin : Luckily I ken who the Baldwin brothers are and I like the film the Usual Suspects. However I didn't know he was now famous for being a religious dude.

Nicola Somethingorother : Some glamour model, no idea who the hell she is.

Alex Reid : Cagefighter dating Katie Price, not famous by himself.

Stephanie Beacham : I know the name, wouldn't know the face, I assume since she was in Dynasty she's famous.

Lady Sovereign : Heard of her, no idea what songs she's actually done, doubt I'd like them.

Sisqo : He's some American midget Rap and Bullshit singer, did that Thong song but nothing else I ken.

Dane Bower : Was in a shit boy band in the 90s, nobody cares, not famous.

Heidi Fleiss : Heard the name mentioned in some TV / Films but had no idea who she was, apparently she set dates up or something.

Jonas : I had no idea who he was until the said Basshunter. I don't like dance music but there's lots of adverts in the UK that have said Basshunter before, I didn't realise it was just a person though.

Katia : Had a thing with Ronnie Wood, sick bitch. Not famous.

Vinnie Jones : Ex footballer and movie star, clearly the most famous, hope he headbutts them all.

Saturday 2nd January 2010

2010-01-02T15:47:00.004Z

Sad news, following a pitch inspection the Falkirk match was called off.

For Hogmanay I spent the night at my sisters house playing games and watching films. Watched the Hangover which was hilarious. We played a game called Rabbids Go home , I had previously played other games with Raymans rabbids in it but this was hilarious. My brother in law and myself spent ages making our rabbits using various tools and putting them in strange poses. You get a vice to reshape the rabbits head, a pump to blow up the eyes and ears, you can explode them, air to inflate them larger and a hand to slap the rabbit into a random face which was strangely enjoyable. You also get to recolour it and put tattoos on it, I put skull tattoos on it's nipples, bum and front area. My sister also tried her hand at designing a rabbit but she just ended up with a purple rabbit, unlike her husbands scary Michael Jackson rabbit complete with sparkly glove. Was great fun anyway.

We watched Elf whilst eating a lovely meal of Chinese food. Unbelievably they had never seen the film before. What sad people they are.

Friday 1st January 2010

2010-01-01T18:34:00.004Z

So it's a new year, time for a new start and time to meet the new me. Well since I don't like meeting new people I'll just hide.

Lets start with

HAPPY NEW YEAR

always a good place to start I think. So it's now 2010 and it's now a new decade. Seems like only yesterday that people were worried about Y2K when they should of been thinking about swine flu.

I'm pretty bad at sticking to resolutions but really this year I should aim to do something. Having goals is a good thing.

1) Get a job, I hate doing nothing so this seems pretty obvious.

2) Get fitter, I hate not being as fit as I used to be.

3) Talk to people, if I can overcome this then that'd help a lot with number 1.

4) Believe I can do things. This is hard. Trying to find self belief when all you can do is say sorry for everything.

As hard as it is to believe I entered a singing competition, it is an out of tune one but still it's showcasing my talents... Now I know I can't sing but actually letting other people hear it is a big step for me. People might mock it and laugh but I haven't died, I haven't thrown up and I haven't killed someone with a pen. If I can do that then maybe just maybe it's a step in the right direction.

Friday 25th December 2009

2009-12-25T16:23:00.003Z

Post number 100 and it's going to be short and sweet

Merry Christmas everyone

Thursday 24th December 2009

2009-12-24T09:35:00.004Z

So it's Christmas tomorrow woooooooooooo...blah...meh who cares.

Need any ideas for last minute gifts? Well thanks to someone who I shall not name because she'll get embarrassed I can present you with the perfect gift . I actually can't believe it's real, it just seems like an item from a sketch show. Not sure how Rachal...um I mean the stranger who pointed it out to me found it. Reading the comments I almost died laughing, I'm not sure if they're being serious or taking the piss. I hope it's the latter.

Now here's something I wrote a few years ago

Ah well this might not be the exact proper christmas tale but if it was you wouldn't be reading it at anytime of the year. I feel the picture represents christmas well as it explains why so many puppies are given away.
The beginning

Our story starts in Nazareth, where upon we find Mary a young women whom is engaged to Joseph , a local carpenter.

Mary sits in the living quarters of their house darning some socks while her fiancé works in town. She is shocked by an extremely bright light appearing in front of her, a voice says " Do not be alarmed Mary I am Gabriel a messenger of god."

Still in shock from what she sees , Mary softly says " Are you that David Blaine? I didn't think much of your Ice tomb or standing on that pole. I read a book about some guy who hung from a cross, that was better. What are you wanting ? "

Gabriel looks slightly insulted, puts his head in his hands before announcing again " I am the ANGEL GABRIEL, Mary I am a messenger of God. "

Mary " What can I do for you Gabriel ? "

Gabriel " ( oh god ) I AM A MESSENGER OF GODDD!!!!! "

Mary " and.....? "

Gabriel " I have a FUCKING message from God for YOU!!!!"

Mary " ......are you trying to tell me something ? "

By this point the normally angelic Gabriel seems rather annoyed with the young woman, " OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! IM NEVER DEALING WITH BLONDES AGAIN!!!!!!!! IM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO GIVE BIRTH TO HIS CHILD , WHICH YOU SHALL CALL JESUS !!!!!! "

Mary " I dont really like the name Jesus its a bit old fashioned can I call him Brooklyn?"

Gabriel " No his name shall be Jesus "

Mary " What about Romeo?"

Gabriel " No!"

Mary " Stev..."

Gabriel " NO!!!!!" he shouts " The son of gods name will be Jesus "

Mary " Oh im marrying Joseph not God, I cant go around having other mens babies I'd end up on the Jeremy Kyle show, besides I dont no anybody called God , Where does he live? "

Gabriel " God ! You dont know god? He is the almighty creator of life, father of all human beings he resides in the place known as heaven."

The slightly confused Mary looks at Gabriel and answers " But my father is Bernard, Is heaven near Jerusalem? I don't think I've been before is it nice? "

The now crying Gabriel falls to his knees and weeps into a newly darned sock " Why god? Why ? Why me?!!! " he looks quickly at Mary and says as fast as he possible could " You are now pregnant with the son of God you must call him Jesus!!!!!!! Goodbye " and with that Gabriel disappeared as quickly as god had came inside Mary to get her pregnant.

Still confused Mary, speaks only to the empty room " Does he mean I'm to call god , Jesus?"

Later that evening Joseph came home from his extremely intellectually challenging job of being a carpenter.

Joseph " Honey I´m home "

Mary " Hey Joe "

Joseph " So my love what did you do today then ? " He asked whilst sitting down in his lazyboy armchair

Mary " Well I did some darning , fed the donkey, got impregnated by god after being distracted by an angel...oh and I've made your dinner dear, how was work? "

Joseph " It was fine i made...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY..." he looked shocked

Mary " Well you see joe...."

Joseph " MY DINNERS READY??!!! good im starving, I thought I'd have to wait ."

-------------------------------

10 mins later

Joseph " That fried battered fish was absolutely delicious my love "

Mary " Yes I thought it may go well with pieces of fried potato "

A few months later Joseph and Mary were married and they were travelling to bethlehem to pay a special tax. Mary was in no condition to walk so she was riding on the back of a donkey, guided by Joseph over the hills of Gallilee.

Mary " Are we there yet ? "

Joseph " Not yet, I can't wait to see girls aloud live in concert "

Mary " Yes about that Joe, I've been meaning to tell you we're not going to see girls aloud, We're going to....."

Joseph " ATOMIC KITTEN!!!!?"

Mary " No Joe we're not going to see any concert, we're going to pay a special tax"

Joseph "Awwww......Whats so special about this tax?"

Mary "Well.....um......you.....you get a free lollipop"

Joseph " WOW YEAH!!!!! I want a strawberry flavour lolly"

Mary " Ok "

Joseph "Hmm maybe a lemon flavoured lolly would be better, I've also enjoyed the taste of licking a lemon. Hmmm I think we should stop here and give the donkey a rest he looks tired "

Donkey " Too god damn right I'm fucking tired I've been carrying this fucking hefty lump on my back for miles, What da hell do I look like man ???!!!! A fucking Camel??!!!"

Joseph " My names Joseph "

Mary " Oh I'm sorry Joseph I didnt think you minded me calling you Joe "

Joseph " I dont mind that at all, my love "

Donkey " Joe you're so fucking bitched whipped "

Mary " Then why did you say your name ?"

Joseph " WHAT!!! Im not bitch whipped "

Mary " WHAT Did you say?"

Donkey " You're in trouble now "

Joseph " I was talking to the donkey my love "

Mary " Oh........? "

Donkey " Shes your love ? Fucking liar if she's your love why´s it me that has da god damn pain in the fucking ASS!!!\´

Joseph punches the donkey.
The donkey kicks Joseph in the stomach, this may go in for a while so lets skip to act 4

After the punch up with the donkey a highly bruised Joseph Guides Mary into bethlehem.

Bethlehem was crowded with a few people paying taxes but many coming to see the girls aloud concert.

Joseph mutters nder his breath " ( Damn ) "

Mary " Did you say something dear ?"

Joseph " No nothing my love "

Joseph and Mary tried several places but the answer was the same everywhere , there was no room . Joseph spied a place the hadn´t tried yet, it was called the way inn. Joseph walked towards what appeared to be the nearest door,

" BANG!!!!!" Joseph walked into a solid wall

Inn keeper " HA HA!!!!"

Donkey " HA HA "

" Your door doesnt work ? " says Joseph whilst nursing his delicate nose

Innkeeper " Ha Ha no cant you see what ive done, I called my hotel the way inn then put an arrow pointed at a fake door, it's sooooooooooooo funny HA HA!!!!"

Joseph " I didnt find it funny, hmmm do you have any rooms?"
I can offer you my barn "

Mary " Yes we´ll take that, thank you "

The innkeeper showed Joseph and Mary the barn they´ll have to share with some animals, for some reason Joseph's eyes lit up at this announcement.

In the hills overlooking Bethlehem a group of shepherds tend to there flock of sheep.
Suddenly out of thin air Gabriel comes to see the shepherds.

Gabriel " Do not be afraid "

Scared Shepherds " ARGH!!!!!!! You're that thing that keeps probing Eric´s bum "

Gabriel " No I am Gabriel "

Shepherd no1 " We dont care what they call you but its sick, Eric has to use so much savlon "

Gabriel " I have not touched Eric "

Shepherd no1 " yeah of course it wasn't you , appearing from nowhere , bright light and floating , what da fuck was it then? aliens???ha ha!"

Gabriel " Well it wasnt me I am the angel Gabriel I am a messenger of god i am here to tell you that he son of God is being born in bethlehem "

Shepherd no2 "Yeah bloodly likely story if ever I've heard one, Of course you are the ' angel' Gabriel , haha "

Gabriel " I am "

Shepherd " Totally believe you "

Gabriel " I AM "

Shepherd No1 " Call the funny farm "

Gabriel "Shut it "

Well we´ll leave them arguing and go to act 6

Meanwhile in Bethlehem...

Mary " ARRRRGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Jesus " WHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Joseph " Where did that thing come from ? "

-------------------------------

Elsewhere far away in the east we find 3 wise men studing the stars. Melchior, Balthazar and Samantha. They look into the night sky and see a bright star shining in the distance. They consult there star charts and discover that it means a new ruler has been born and Melchior may indeed win the lottery. They decide to go see King Herod at the palace as they assume thats the best place to check . They travel for a while and eventually reach the palace .

Melchior " Hello King Herod I am Melchior and with my other wise men Balthazar and Samantha we have come to worship your newborn child."

King Herod " What child ? Samantha? "

Samantha "Yes that is MY name "

Melchior explained to king Herod that they had seen it in the stars that a great ruler had been born. The King was intrigued by this and asked the 3 wise men to return when they had found him so he could worship the child too. The wise men left the palace and followed the star in the sky.

-------------------------------------------------

ADVERT!!! Dont waste time finding things you want through strange wise men .

Random bloke " I want to find a bakers in the high street ?"

Actor " Well text find high street bakers to 8454545782647654 "

" beep beep msg = bakers in the high street "

Random bloke " Wow thats great "

King Herod " I want to find Jesus the son of God , king of Jews, whipper of the ass "

Actor " Text find Jesus to 5634653636 "

" Beep beep msg = Jesus is located under a fucking shiny star in a barn in bethlehem "

King Herod " Wow thats great "

-----------------------------------------------------------

Going back to our barn in Bethlehem we find a confused Joseph coming to grips with the concept of what the innkeepers joke meant.

Mary " Do you understand now dear? "

Joseph "....so the Irish man was ......"

Jesus " There is no damn Irishman, no Scotsman and no Englishman you fucking walked into a wall "

Joseph "...hmm the Welshman..."

Jesus " NO!!!!!!"

Joseph " Mary where did that baby come from ?"

Mary " Well dear I just gave birth to him "

Joseph " But we havent had sex yet " he looked very puzzled

Jesus " Well I'm the son of god "

Shepherds " Hello everybody "

Everybody " Hello "

Shepherds " We've come to visit the king of the Jews and offer him these simple gifts of sheep "

Joseph " Oh sheep, I'll take those . Well since you've given birth does that mean we can't have sex for another 6 months?"

Mary "Yes "

Joseph " GOD DAMN!!!!"

Not long after the shepherds arrive and because I can't be bothered writing to much the 3 wise men arrive at the stable baring gifts for the new born ruler.

Melchior " I am Melchior and I come baring Gold "

Balthazar " I am Balthazar and I come baring the gift of Frankincense "

Samantha " I am the wise man .....( samantha ) i have come baring the gift of a ps3 with 3 games and an extra control pad "

Mary " What was your name I didn't quite hear it ?"

Samantha " Samantha "

Mary " Sorry "

Samantha " IT'S SAMANTHA "

Mary " I heard you the last time I'm just sorry , ha ha "

Samantha " GRRR........"

Mary " I thought you're suppose to bring the gift of Myrrh "

Samantha " Oh you heard that too , well thats just a rumour!!! ha ha get it rumour = ru-myrrh , ha ha I can make jokes too, you fat bitch "

-------------------------------

Meanwhile elsewhere

Donkey " Damn that hurts "

Joseph "Just shut up, you enjoy it really "

-------------------------------

Next morning

The 3 wise men all had the same strange dream that king Herod did not really want to worship baby Jesus but in fact King Herod was secretly Michael Jackson and wanted to take Jesus to neverland , the 3 wise men told Mary and Joseph to take Jesus to the safty of Egypt

The end

Tuesday 22nd December 2009

2009-12-22T16:08:00.004Z

So today I had my last session of CBT. I think I felt better which is good although that was dampened by the ice that is everywhere. If you can imagine Bambi with haemorrhoids then that's how I walk in this weather. My mother thinks I'm being overly dramatic when I stand yelling at her.

" IT'S ICY I CAN SEE IT'S ICY THE PAVEMENT IS SHINY!!! YOU WANT ME TO FALL. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO FALL FROM THIS HEIGHT?!!! IF I FALL AND DIE IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S NOT ICY? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS YOU TO THINK!!! IT'S CALLED BLACK ICY. IT'S STEALTHY. AS SOON AS I GO OUTSIDE IT'LL APPEAR THEN WHAM... DEAD"

Now you may agree with my mother but seriously I have ice paranoia, if I do see the pavement shining my ass tenses up and I walk like an old man with his cane in the wrong place. I even get passed by old people when trying to walk, they're old and frail and they care less about falling than I do. I'm sometimes tempted to kick them but then I'd be on one leg and that's less stable than two. I think to myself I'm either going to fall backwards and bang my head or fall forewards onto the kerb and smash my teeth like in American History X. Yes that had Edward Norton smashing the guys face off the kerb but I'm unlucky.

Since it was my last session and I'm a nice person I got a tin a chocolates for the dude who runs the course and a card to say thank you. I didn't know what to write on the card especially since I couldn't remember his name which really isn't the greatest of starts. Then I started over thinking the gift. Is it rather gay?

At the end of the session I went to give him the tin and basically said these are for you to say thanks. Since he's really short I almost smashed him in the face but it's the thought that counts.

It's nice to be nice. If everyone was a bit nicer then the world would be a better place. Although this would lessen my chances of becoming a ninja.

There's quite a lot of young people out sledging which seems rather daft to me since it's not snow they're sledging on, it's basically ice. I suppose you go faster but when the hill goes onto a main road is that what you actually want?

Pointless fact, I keep singing Rod Stewart songs in my head.

I think there's a high number of teenage pregnancies around here because when you have a baby you have a pram and that gives you an extra 4 points of contact with the ground making you more stable on ice. Sounds like a good theory to me. You're have to plan 9 months in advance though and that's if everything goes to plan.

Sunday 20th December 2009

2009-12-20T23:05:00.004Z

Originally I was going to write about something rather amusing that had been pointed out to me this morning but I just heard Brittany Murphy died.

Now I wasn't a massive fan but it's just strange to hear someone die of cardiac arrest at only 32. I remember her mostly from the film Clueless which I seen growing up.

Saturday 19th December 2009

2009-12-19T17:52:00.007Z

GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!!!

FALKIRK WON AGAIN

Kilmarnock 1 Falkirk 2

Falkirk are now only a point a drift at the bottom of the table.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo we're gonna win the league.

Elsewhere in sport Rugby news .
The former Welsh rugby captain, Gareth Thomas has come out as gay. I've always wondered what percentage of footballers are gay since with 22 players on the pitch at any one time, not all can be straight. For a rugby player to come out it's quite a big deal considering how tough a sport it is.

Friday 18th December 2009

2009-12-18T17:50:00.007Z

How to think positive?......

......I have no fucking idea.

Apparently as children we're taught to always be modest and not to praise ourselves for achievements. So teachers and parents are to blame for everything.

So if this is true how are you meant to act when you win something? Are you supposed to jump up and down and rub the losers face in it?

It just doesn't seem right. I guess you're meant to do it into your head and not aloud but isn't that just being fake in front of others?

I know I over think things but it's what I do. My brain is analytical. I'm a thinking person not a doing person. I think about getting up but instead I go back to sleep. Although when I do sleep I have some seriously fucked up nightmares.

Thinking just causes stress and stress sucks.

I almost forgot, since I've been away

Falkirk have had a draw with Celtic, drew with St Mirren last week and beat Hamilton 2-0 a few weeks ago. So thinking positive, Falkirk WILL win the league.

Falkirk FC website how scary is that kid on the front page?

Wednesday 16th December 2009

2009-12-16T21:34:00.005Z

How do you make yourself happy?

I have no idea what the answer is but maybe I should start drinking and snorting sherbet.

I have recently discovered thanks to CBT that the way we question things in our mind effects us overall.

There's things called PIG beliefs and SET beliefs.

PIG is

Permanent
Internal
General

SET is

Situational
External
Temporary

Good things should be reinforced with PIG beliefs and bad things should be SET beliefs but with depression it's usually the other way round.

So how do you go about changing your thought process?

Again I have no idea but it's what I'm currently working on.

It just doesn't seem natural to be Scottish and happy.

Jesus died for our sins and if you only remember Jesus for one reason, remember this, never get nailed to a cross when you have an itchy nose. It's torture.

Monday 14th December 2009

2009-12-14T01:29:00.004Z

Well finally my blog is undeleted.

Question is why did I delete it in the first place?

Well it's simple really, was feeling low at some point and was made to feel even lower by some other blogger. I was just being helpful and point out some things that were wrong about her blog. She didn't seem to appreciate that and also didn't comprehend the fact that she doesn't know everyone on the interent.

She said that Scottish people sound like drunk pirates, Damn bitch needs a good slap and deported out of my country back to America. I hate to call people stupid but when you believe standing on the shore of Loch Lomond is the coast then you are stupid.

So enough of the anger, although anger is what I'm good at.

So what have I been doing for the past two months?

Well to be perfectly honest nothing much. Still looking for a job which is not going well. In fact it's going awful. I haven't recieved any replies back in yonks.

I've been taking half inderal along with fluoxetine, I haven't noticed any difference with it but have noticed a different without it.

I've also been going to this CBT at the hospital. CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy although after my doctor told me to look it up if I have any questions I became rather scared. Apparently CBT is also something else, hopefully not done on the NHS though.

I've been going there for 6 weeks so far and will be there again tomorrow. It only lasts for 8weeks so will be over by Christmas. I basically sit in a room alone for 45 minutes talking to a laptop. Seriously. I'm not sure if you've ever heard a laptop say " Oh that's a shame" before but it sounds rather sarcastic. So I get mocked by a computer programme and that's meant to help me.

Seriously though I think it does help a bit, gives you tasks to do and questions to ask yourself when you feel anxious to try to break the thought process.

The guy who runs it is rather nice, very very short though.

It asks you if you've been feeling suicidal and on a scale of 0-8 rate how much you planned to go through with it. I answered yes once in the 6 weeks so far, when I got home, the doctor phoned me and discussed it. I don't like being any trouble so I doubt that'd make me want to be honest again. In future I'll just answer no whilst I try to cut my wrists with the F5 button.

Elsewhere in life it was the sports personality of the year awards last night. Can't believe Fabio won coach of the year for doing fuck all. Team of the year was the England cricket team, now they're just taking the piss.

Just eleven days till Christmas, done none of my shopping yet. Have no idea what I'm getting anyone. Writing a card for my friend in England but no idea what to write, everything seems so gay when you're trying to write to another male. Going back to the CBT, I'm pondering over the fact do I need to get a gift for the dude who works the thing? Just seems gay but then again he's been rather helpful. I hate being present when giving gifts to people, why can't I just get some chloroform and knock them out, leave the gift then run away. If it wasn't for the police investigation into possible rape afterwards that'd be the easiest way to do anything.

I wish I had thought of that while giving oral presentations at university, I could of just knocked them room out and pretended my talk was awesome.

If I had been good at debating I could of just chloroformed myself and still convinced them my talk was awesome but then if I was good at debating I would be able to give a good talk in the first place and not require chloroform at all. No fun in that though.

Monday 12th October 2009

2009-10-12T01:16:00.004+01:00

I'll write more later but thought I'd add this before I forget.

There's many blogs out there who do word of the day or discuss what words mean, I'm pretty awful with words. So here's some wisdom

Don't confuse RAVAGE with RAVISH.

Sunday 11th October

2009-10-11T19:23:00.004+01:00

Past few days I don't feel like I've slept properly. I seem to keep waking up ever few hours. My throat seems to get a lump in it and makes me cough. Once I wake up properly I find it difficult to breathe for a short while, my lungs feel sticky. I keep trying to clear my throat but there's nothing there to clear, it feels blocked though, it's confusing. I can hear my lungs wheezing while I breathe. Hopefully it'll sort itself out.

Saturday 10th October 2009

2009-10-10T18:45:00.005+01:00

It's my brother in laws birthday today, he doesn't actually read this so not entirely sure why I'm mentioning it but it's true all the same.

Watched the Scotland match earlier. They went all the way to Japan to play a friendly and didn't even have a shot on goal. It ended

Japan 2 - Scotland 0

Scotland played well in defence but didn't seem like any threat to Japan.

Friday 9th October

2009-10-09T06:13:00.004+01:00

Last night I made some incredibly juicy tender pork tenderloin, it was a joy to eat.

OK going back to what I was discussing yesterday, employment and my future. I have no idea what I want to be or do.

All I really know is science
I'm awful with people
I wouldn't mind joining the police but I don't think I'd pass the fitness tests to get in and I'd really enjoy giving out some police brutality
I hate ice
I have a problem with doors
I'm polite
I like being outside unless there's ice
I like being inside if there's ice
I like working in labs
I'm accurate
I'm a good problem solver
I like to sleep
I enjoy afternoon naps
I like to write but my knowledge of the English language is limited and my grammar is poor
I'm a good cook but don't really like a lot of food, mainly veg unless it's raw carrots or peppers and I don't think I could handle the cooking environment
I'm intelligent
I have a decent sense of humour
I like to play computer games
I have a good imagination
The idea of teaching is good, I especially like the fact you have shorter days and long summer holidays however I'm not too keen on kids, I'm too attractive to be a high school teacher and too scary to be a primary school teacher. Plus in modern day society you're not allowed to beat them with chairs
I don't like warm weather

So taking all that into consideration what jobs should I be looking at? What would I be good at? What would I enjoy?

I'm thinking a Ninja who works in Sweden.

Thursday 8th October 2009

2009-10-08T05:59:00.004+01:00

When I was little I wanted to be a vet, after realising that vets have to put down animals I changed my mind to becoming a zoologist. I stayed with that until the day I had to make my mind up in high school of what to course to apply for at university. My father wanted me to do architecture and that's something I had absolutely no interest in but to keep him happy I applied to three universities to do architecture. However for architecture they expect you to be decent at art and have taken it at school, as a science geek I did physics, biology and chemistry along with English, maths and geography. Since there was another three spaces on the application form I decided to go for marine biology, my logic was I like water and I like zoology so lets combine them.

Few months later I got my results and to my surprise I got an interview for a position at a university for architecture. I wasn't exactly delighted by this since I didn't want to do it and my joy decreased even further when I read that I had to bring an art portfolio. I'm actually not that bad at art as long as it's to do with nature, so I got to work creating a portfolio to show the architecture dude at the university. I soon realised that I can't just take nature pictures so I diversified into drawing pictures of the grim reaper, don't ask me why, it seemed perfectly sensible at the time.

During the interview at Dundee university I was asked questions like who's my favourite architect, what type of work do I like etc etc. From my lame answers and my portfolio I think it was clear to the dude that I wasn't architect material. Hell I didn't want to spend seven years of my life at university.

So I looked at my options, I had got into two university for marine biology and I picked the closest one. University was scary. Being shy I didn't enjoy it very at all and not being a drinker made it even worse. Since I was a fairly good student at school I kept that up at university and went to every lecture, tutorial and lab class I was expected for. My timetable was OK except for one day where I had lectures at 9am, 10am then one at 5pm. Since I travelled from home I didn't have much to do for six hours so at first I went and walked around for a few hours, into town and back sometimes twice. Eventually I began to detest having to wait around for that length of time and I took the bold step to not bother going to the 5pm lecture. I was a rebel!! To my surprise nothing was mentioned so for the rest of the term I didn't go to another 5pm lecture. In my defence the lecture was on environmental science and it was all about rocks.

It was at that point I realised I hated environmental science. Marine biology was not what I had thought it was. However I was enjoying the chemistry and biology units I was doing at the time. Unfortunately I enjoyed chemistry too much and that wasn't needed, even worse was to come when the university decided to close down it's chemistry department. After two and a half years I was buggered, I didn't have the right amounts of units done in certain requirements and I hadn't performed as well as I should of. I then was asked to explain to the vice dean of natural science why I hadn't done that well. I wrote a completely honest emotionally draining letter but they didn't believe it. Few weeks later I received a letter stating that I wouldn't be completing my course. I was devastated. I really was, education was all I knew. I had no idea what else I could do with my life.

For 6 months I dwelled and dwelled on it. I pondered joining the RAF but my father said that would be stupid. I was 21 and I was lost.

Eventually I applied to university again, this time to do Biochemistry. I got accepted into Queens university Belfast and to the University of Glasgow and since Glasgow is closer I went there. It's a very good university a lot different from my first one. Travelling to Glasgow daily wasn't much fun but I didn't want to fail again. I attended lectures, tutorials and labs. I had to do units on biology and chemistry and I picked exploring the cosmos for my third unit. I was told to do so by a friend who said it was an easy course. It was, first day we learnt the planets. It was quite an interesting course and I was surprised how much I did enjoy learning about each planet. At the start the class started out as over 200, as the weeks went by the class size dwindled lower and lower. I didn't mind that since I'm not a people person and in the end I had a few back rows of the lecture theatre all to myself, finally I could nap.

In my second term I started to skip some of the lectures on exploring the cosmos. Thoughtfully the lecturers left notes out at the front of the class room and there was a door at the back so you could pick up the notes then leave. I didn't skip the lectures due to being bored, sadly I skipped them because I had another lecture directly after it that was right over the other side of campus up a tower. This may sound fine but if I get somewhere late I won't go in because I don't like the thought of everyone staring at me and since this lecture was more important I skipped the other to be there early.

After my first year of my new university I worked over the summer as a landscape gardener. Wasn't very keen on it but it was money and I did like gardens. During this time I finally plucked up the courage to go to the doctors and see about my "unhappiness" (I never called it depression since I didn't think I was worthy of calling it depression). He referred me to counselling which took a few months to get into but also at the same time he booked me in to be tested for Marfans syndrome. He only did that because I'm tall. Luckily after lots of x-rays, tests and ECGs and even having to wear some heart thingy for 24hours they discovered I didn't have Marfans syndrome but hey they did find a hole/leak in my heart. Soon after this whilst working I experience my first anxiety attack, I had never had one before and I couldn't breathe, I was sure it was a heart attack. My boss called an ambulance which was probably a bit of an over reaction and after a short while they got me to calm down.

I was glad to start my second year at university but soon I had another anxiety attack and that made me very paranoid. I didn't want anyone to see me in that state. It got worse and worse. I had difficulty breathing and staying calm in lectures, exams were even worse. I couldn't stand being in a room full of people, it was so quiet and I could hear my heart thumping harder and harder. Every exam was the same, each one I tried to do I had to leave. I managed to pass the year on good laboratory and essay marks.

Getting into third year was a relief, labs lasted longer and that's where I felt at home. Unfortunately we had more tutorials, involving presentations and the exams were now longer. I tried and failed to stay calm and buggered up the year, not getting into honours or even doing enough to graduate. That was last year now I'm lost again.

I don't know what I want to do or what I want to be. I just know I want to do something.

Wednesday 7th October 2009

2009-10-07T04:34:00.007+01:00

It's currently 4:35am, it's dark outside, it's quiet and I like it. This might not make sense but I enjoy nobody else being around but I don't like being alone.

The best thing about this time of day is the ability to think, I find I think much clearer. It's usually the time when I used to do my laboratory write ups on the day they were to be in for. I don't really like pressure but I'm awful at making decisions, it's not just me my sister is the exact same. Even if we probably prefer something over something else we will still just say "I don't know" or "I don't mind". I think it's due to my father not giving us choices when we were growing up. We did what he wanted to do so now as adults, choices confuse us.

Along with the middle of the night I also find that the bathroom is a great place to think, it's where I go to read or play Sudoku. Again I'm not the only one in my family who does this my sister has a Sudoku book in her bathroom too. Why should the bathroom only be used for disposing of bodily functions or washing. It's a room, it's quite a peaceful room, yes it has a toilet but surely that's an added bonus.

As usual my father went to the shops to get cheap food, he came back with a couple of value chickens. They're the really cheap ones that I'm sure are the unhappy chickens. I guess most chickens are unhappy once they find out they're going to die and get eaten but when you're hopping around a field it seems less of a depressing end. Anyways he had to cook it before it went out of date the next day so he boiled it, it smelled foul (pardon the pun). I hate boiled chicken it has no flavour which makes you add a tonne of salt just to taste something. Even Douglas the cat turned his nose up at it when I offered him a piece and only minutes before hand he had had a mouse stuffed in his mouth. Douglas is great at catching mice but is awful at giving them up. I chased him throughout the house trying to grab him while this little creatures back legs flapped up and down as he bounced along with the occasional hiss and grr to say "this is MY mouse". Eventually I got him cornered and squeezed his mouth open then threw the mouse out the window, I wasn't sure where to put it so out the window seemed like a good idea. My father loathes mice, he's the stereotypical 1950s woman who leaps onto a chair if she sees one. I asked for his help in catching the cat which I knew was a waste of time, after I caught the cat and disposed of the mouse I sarcastically said "thanks for the help". I should sneak out of the house, find the mouse and attach it to the door handle of his car, that would be hilarious.

Before I forget I was talking about beds last Thursday and said I'd continue the next day which seems to of turned into almost a week. I've probably forgotten now.

It's Autumn (Fall to the Americans) now and won't be long till Winter, there's nothing better than waking up in a nice snug warm bed and knowing you don't have to get up. The only problem is I need to get a job, I suppose I could get a job in a bed shop. There's some nice ones in Glasgow like. I wonder if people would notice you sleeping in the beds as they did their shopping. It'd be great if they didn't, you could stay up all night playing computer games, go to work get into a bed, sleep till your shift is done then go home AND get paid at the end of the week/month.

I'll be staying on the bed subject but in order to link it I'll first say, whilst travelling around the blogosphere I came across this blog. At first I thought it was like one of those things where people discuss their insecurities which some of it is but most of it seems to be sex related. Now according to tv and films, mens favourite fantasy is being with two females at the same time. Now I can't be the first person to notice a major problem with this. If there's only one boat and two ports and the boat only sails once a day then there's going to be only one lot of passengers. Maybe the passengers booked their trip as a cruise or maybe as a mystery tour, some would have got tickets to go to port A and others would of wanted to see port B. That means only the passengers who wanted to visit port A will be happy, the rest of the passengers will be stuck at port A and whilst the people who booked the cruise or the mystery tour will be happy to look around the town at port A for a while the people who wanted to go straight to port B will be disgruntled. As we all know there's an economic crisis on at the moment so every shop needs some regular business to stay afloat. However if only the town at port A gets visited by the boat passengers then the town at port B will suffer, the tourist industry would decline and more than likely will result in job losses. This in turn will probably lead to migration and perhaps the people in the town at port B will move over to the town at port A and increase the population there.
If the people in the town at port B stay at the town at port A then this directly affects the number of passengers who'll board the boat, with only one port to visit you can't offer a mystery tour or a cruise and the people who want to go to port B will have to find alternative travel. With the number of passengers lowered the number of weekly trips to port B may become fewer in order to cut costs, if the number of passengers continued to decrease then the boat may go into disrepair and the captain may be forced to close down all sailing.

Maybe I'm naive or perhaps I'm just lazy but I don't see the point in cheating on your partner. You have to spend time cheating, then you have to spend time thinking up excuses when you could spend that time having a nap. Also with cheating you have to share the duvet again when you can do that with your wife. Americans have it great they get pay by the hour motels for cheats and hookers (not the rugby players) , that would be awesome while your wife is at home you can go to a motel and have 4 hours with a duvet to yourself. Only problem would be explaining it to your wife when it appears on your credit card bill every Thursday.

If you're worried about your partner cheating just introduce them to World of Warcraft then they'll not bother with anyone.

Tuesday 6th October 2009

2009-10-06T19:39:00.005+01:00

Yesterday feels so long ago. I don't understand it, this time yesterday I felt better, today I feel like shit again. I thought the past few weeks I was getting more at peace with myself then today I just hit a low again.

I know that mental health is a subject nobody likes to talk about, it's personal and people who don't understand it don't know why you can't just snap out of it. They tell you " just be happy " , " there's people worse off than you " or "stop looking for attention". I can't explain it, I don't know why I feel so paranoid and down, I don't know why I sit contemplating hanging myself. I do know I want to feel better. I want my life to be better. I want to do something with myself. I don't want to be me anymore.

What is it that stops me from being happy? I don't know. I really just don't know.

Does religion help? I've always thought I don't deserve to be happy, it's not like I've done anything bad but I haven't done anything good.

Sunday 4th October 2009

2009-10-04T19:15:00.004+01:00

Watched the Japanese grand prix this morning, it had a 6am start time in the UK. Nothing particularly exciting happened during it and I think I fell asleep somewhere near the end. DAMN YOU SUPER COMFORTABLE DUVET. Woke up sometime after 3pm had a quick pit stop then slept again till just after 6pm. So that's Sunday basically over....whoops. I blame the power of the duvet.

So if you work how the hell do you manage to get out of bed in the morning? Last time I worked was a landscape gardener from 7am - 7pm and I got home so exhausted I basically showered then slept till morning.

Saturday 3rd October 2009

2009-10-03T22:14:00.004+01:00

Depressing day, Falkirk lost yet again.

Motherwell 1 - Falkirk 0

Haven't scored in the past five matches and we've only scored three goals in the league so far. Not good enough really. We now sit bottom of the table again thanks to St. Johnstones win against Hamilton. Next match is after the international break against St. Mirren, a team we should hopefully beat but I'm not confident.

Now to a lighter matter,

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you

Her highness

Queen Victoria

Thursday 1st October 2009

2009-10-01T17:21:00.012+01:00

Another new month, time does fly when you're working hard......at napping.

Although seriously I wish I had something to do properly, I miss doing constructive things, I miss learning. Since leaving university I think I've read the books more than I did when I was meant too. Rather than sit and play computer games which is what I did at university I've started reading more, nothing particularly great, other blogs, science books and of course Punisher comics.

Yesterday I got a reply from the speculative letters I had been forced to write, it's amazing I get replies from them but not proper jobs. Sadly both of them were to say that they don't accept speculative letters and one even sent back the letter and my CV, which was depressing. They could of put it in the bin, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't find out unless I got a job as a refuge disposal worker and you probably need experience for that. Which I don't have. I can't even figure out which items of rubbish go in which bin? Why do we need 3? Why can't banana skins go in the brown one?

Also yesterday I was watching the Champions League match between Manchester United and Wolfsburg which ended 2-1 to Manchester United if you didn't know. That's not the relevant factor though, I decided to change my bed which is a confusing deal for me just like the bins. How often are you meant to change your bed? I only dribble on the pillows and I try to souk up any Irn Bru spills as best as I can so does it really need changed that much? Anyway changing the bed sheet is fine, changing the pillows is fine but changing the duvet cover is bloody hard. It never goes in the corners when you want it too and if you do manage to get it in the corners when you pull yourself out of the duvet cover before you suffocate you normally pull the duvet with you. I'm pretty sure this is the best reason to get married. Although weighing up the options of having the bed made for you and having to share the duvet is a close call.

The good news is I did finally manage to get the duvet cover on the duvet. I had changed from my summer, lighter duvet to my wintry warmer duvet. Bad decision. Now my bed is faaaaaaar too snugly to get out of. I've never woke up with a flock of geese on me before but I imagine it'd be like that minus the bird poo and loud squabbling. I suppose you could sleep under a pile of dead geese but I think the body warmth of the geese probably helps. The dead goose smell is probably worse than the poo smell too so I think sleeping under live geese is what you should aim for.

Speaking of poo, I hate finding the perfect spot in bed then realising you need to use the toilet. I suppose you could just go there and for a while it'll be warmer which is nice but then the urine would start to evaporate and you'd get colder and you have to deal with that smell. The smell would mean you have to change the bed more often like when you're a kid and it just seems like more hassle that it's worth.

Like all good inventors I've come up with a couple of designs for beds that allow urination so you don't lose your comfy spot. In both diagrams there is no duvet this is because I forgot. In design one I have gone for a gutter system similar to that of common urinals. The gutter needs to be at a slight angle so that the urine flows into the bucket for collection in the morning by your loving wife. You can add urinal cakes to the gutter so that the smell isn't as bad. The only downside is you have a gutter in the middle of your bed so might not be as comfortable as you'd like. You may also have to regulate the pressure of the urination to stop splash back.

Design two is for posher people who don't want a bucket sitting at the side of their bed for people to see. So here we have like a well in the middle of the bed which would be like a funnel with the bucket directly underneath. For women a spout could be placed instead of a funnel but could prove dangerous.

I'll leave it there for today in order for people to discuss my bed idea, tomorrow I'll go onto part two.

Wednesday 30th September 2009

2009-09-30T22:06:00.007+01:00

Did have something planned to talk about today but now I'm going to talk about something else again.

PARACHUTING TEDDY BEARS!!! oh wait nothing new to say about them.

Oh well

Yesterday I was sitting peacefully playing World of Warcraft when my father came home from his Tuesday night food shopping. He goes on a Tuesday so he can but a lot of the cheap use by today crap. He came home with some chicken breasts, steak rump and other crap and then expected me to start cooking it all so it doesn't go off. It was already 8pm by the time he had got in and I personally hadn't eaten anything yet. Since I'm the best cook in the house and I am, I get lumped with all the cooking. I wouldn't mind if it was food that I liked to eat but it's whatever he finds cheap. After 45minutes I had on a vegetable curry, chicken curry and a beef stew. During which he comes in and starts making himself a baked potato (in a broken microwave, he's trying to kill us all) doesn't bother to make anyone else anything even though I'm slaving away cooking all this crap. What's the point in buying 15 doughnuts when it says eat on day of purchase and there's only 3 people, yes they're only 1p for 5 but who the hell is going to eat 15 doughnuts in 3 hours?

Before going shopping he noticed the rolls my mother had brought in and even said to me " I assume your mother has been home since these weren't here this morning" 2 hours later after coming back from the shops, he pulls out 2 bags of cheap rolls and says he didn't know there were any in the house. So now I have to eat 15 doughnuts and 20 odd bread rolls in 3 hours or they all go stale. What's wrong with buying food that at least lasts a day?

Before going with my mother today, Dougie thought it'd be hilarious to make us chase him around the front garden.

Today I had to go with my mother to some person to pick stuff up, I'm not sure why I needed to go apparently the woman is a bit of a bitch and there was meant to be some heavy lifting. There was no heavy lifting, all the boxes were light, I know old people are frail but that was a joke. The woman was one of the not posh people but wants to give the impression of being posh so she looks superior people, which was fun. I rarely talk in these type of occasions so when standing towering above people I just look like a bouncer, which is fun. We managed to get lost on the way there and the way out, you'd think we'd of learnt our lesson the first time round but nope we didn't. It was in a place called Dollar which is along the foot of the Ochill hills were I was on Saturday.

On the way home we stopped by the best chip shop in the world Corrieri's, I got a sausage supper, freshly made. It was awesome. Want more now. I used to get it everyday for my lunch except Tuesdays when it was shut when I went to Stirling University. Wish I could go back just for that.

Just rambling on.

Tuesday 29th September 2009

2009-09-29T17:30:00.005+01:00

No pictures today sadly. It's really annoying that my best ideas for subjects come around 2am when I'm trying to sleep. I try to keep a note of the better ones in the draft section of my phones text messages but I either forget all about them or I've no idea what I've actually put down. This is quite common especially for people who I text whilst asleep.

Anyways I did this quiz that was supposed to give the sex of your brain. Part one was about looking at angles and matching the angle shown to the one on the diagram, I found this rather easy and apparently men do find it easier than women.

The second part of the test was spot the difference, you had memorise a set of objects for one minute then after that minute they switched around. The average score for men is 39% and the average score for women is 46%, that shocked me, I got in the 80% range, I didn't think it was that hard. Apparently women do better at men in this part so that balances out my male brain from part one.

Then it asked about clasping your hands together and seeing which thumb is on top. My left thumb was on top so apparently the right side of my brain is dominant. It says " you may excel in visual, spatial and intuitive processes. " I don't think so.

Part three asked a few questions, for empathising and systemising. Average for men is 7.9 / 20 and average for women is 10.6 / 20......I got 7 / 20 oh dear. It states

" Empathisers are better at accurately judging other people's emotions and responding appropriately. If you scored 15 and above, you are very empathic and would be an ideal person to comfort people in a time of crisis. Women in general are better at empathising. "

Thankfully I'm not in a caring job then if this test is anything to go by.

The systemising section of this part states

" Systemisers prefer to investigate how systems work. A system can be a road map, flat pack furniture, or a mathematical equation – anything that follows a set of rules. A score of 15 and above suggests you're good at analysing or building systems. Men in general are better at systemising. "

I achieved a score higher than average for men and greatly higher than that of women. I feel it's quite correct since I am rather good with equations and numbers. With that I think I should be clearly male brained by now.

The next part of this asked you to look at a series of eyes and pick an emotion that the eyes seem to tell. The average for both men and women was 6.6/10 and my score was 7/10 so about average. However it states

" Your result suggests you are a good empathiser, sensitive to other people's emotions. Women generally fall into this category."

So that completely contradicts what the first part says.

Part four was to do with the length of your ring and index fingers. Average for men was 0.982 and for women was 0.991. My results came to
Right hand 0.91
Left hand 0.96
Slightly worrying that one of my fingers is so different in length, I assumed they'd all be the same.

It states
"It's thought that your ratio is governed by the amount of testosterone you were exposed to in your mother's womb. The ratio of the length of your index finger to the length of your ring finger is set for life by as early as three months after conception. Even during puberty, when we experience intensive hormonal changes, the ratio stays the same.

Men generally have a ring finger that is longer than their index finger, which gives them a lower ratio than women, whose ring and index fingers are usually of equal length."

So I must be like super manly by now.

Part five was looking at faces, thank god it wasn't faeces. It showed 21 different pairs of faces and you had to rate them according to which you preferred. My results showed I prefer more feminine faces but I'm pretty sure I knew that anyway. It does state something strange though that I didn't know,

"Interestingly, women's preferences are said to vary across the menstrual phase. A more masculine face is preferred during the 9 days prior to ovulation, when conception is most likely."

Part six asked you to mentally rotate 3D shapes and select the correct one(s) from four. I found this not too hard since I actually did something very similar in a job test recently. Again men are said to get more correct.

It then asked you to write as many words as you can think of associated with grey and then happy. Women do slightly better than men in this test but they don't actually correct the words so you could write horse down 25 times to make yourself look smart.

Weirdly the average score for men was 11.4 words and for women was 12.4.

However it states,

"If you produced 1 - 5 words: You are more of the strong, silent type with a male brain. You probably find it easier to express yourself in non-verbal ways, preferring action rather than words.

If you produced 6 - 10 words: Most people in this range have a female-type brain."

So that means basically nobody has a male brain for that task

Lastly it gives you an ultimatum, you are given £50 to split with someone, what would you demand? I said £25 since that's basically fair. The test says men are more likely to want a bigger percentage of the money than women due to higher testosterone levels tend to make people risk more.

After all that I found out apparently I have a female brain, not sure how but that's what it said. However then it states

"Bear in mind that your performance may be affected by many factors in addition to gender, like age and intelligence."

So basically I just wasted my time to find out nothing.

OK well that's taken up a fair amount of room, I was originally planning on writing about something else but I'll leave that for tomorrow now, as long as I remember.

Oh and doing a spellchecker on this wasn't a good idea, too many things are wrong according to American English.

Monday 28th September 2009

2009-09-28T19:31:00.025+01:00

As I mentioned yesterday there was an event in Scotland with parachuting bears and here today is some of the photos taken by my brother in law. He had taken more but apparently they didn't come out well since moving objects are blurry.

Stand up, salute them all and for once be proud to be beartish. Don't let their achievements go unnoticed.

Well this is a picture of the target the parachuting bears had to aim for. The flag is the emblem of the Seagull Trust.

A brave little bear dressed in his leathers. Not sure if it's leathers for flying or just for kinky bearness.

Not sure people realised that parachutes aren't shopping bags from Tesco. I think the government might of entered this bear to see if they could apply some more military budget cuts.

A scary looking man who I guess was the chief thrower offer.

Either getting ready to throw another bear or eat it.

Seems the answer was throw it although I can't really count the limbs from that image.

Another bear supporting the Tesco bag parachute coming to a war zone near you soon. Don't think supporting is the word I'm looking for but I don't attend many fashion shows to remember the term for wearing an item of clothing.

Looks like the bear was scared, look out below. Was it the height that scared him? The prospect of jumping off an aqueduct or the menacing looking man who looks suspiciously like Adrian Chiles?

I doubt that's going to end well.

What a good parachute, the bear is smiling and even has time to wave at the crowds below. We salute you.

Ground control to Major furry.....come in major furry.

A good looking parachute but seems like this bear was so scared of heights he's wearing a blindfold. Of course he may of been part of the kinky bears regiment.

Such a perfectionist, he's even looking for his landing spot.

Looks like there's not much air in that parachute. I predict a heavy landing.

Carnage on the bearttled field.

The injured participants being stretchered off to the first aid tent. Heroes everyone of them.

Opinions on these events bear faced cruelty or a teddy bears pic-nic?

I have the sad news to report that two of the bears died overnight in hospital from injuries received whilst landing.

R.I.P Mr Biggles. Your leather chaps with the posterior cut away were a joy for us all to see. He died from overexposure.

R.I.P Mr Mascarapanda. He died from being hung by a passing Asda bag, if only it was a Tesco bag he'd of been fine but no it had to be Asda. Sadly he was disqualified from the competition after one of the other competitors noticed that he was a panda and not a teddy bear. All he wanted was to be accepted. What makes some of us pandas and other teddy bears? Why can't we all get along?

Disclaimer : Please note that no teddy bears were actually harmed in this event and if they were I don't actually know. I do not believe Asda shopping bags are any more of a danger than Tesco shopping bags and I in no way support using Tesco shopping bags when jumping off of high buildings to parachute to the ground rather than that of the Asda brand. I do however believe that neither will allow you a safe fall from distance. I can however say that I do not know that for a fact and you may or may not be safer with a shopping bag when jumping out of a plane. I do believe there has been no official research on the matter and I firmly believe using a proper tested parachute is safer.

Sunday 27th September 2009

2009-09-27T19:00:00.008+01:00

Picture shamelessly taken from Wikipedia. It's a picture of the Falkirk wheel, an expensive boat lift joining the Union Canal and the Forth and Clyde Canal together. Built to commemorate the millennium it'll soon be joined in the area by the Helix project which will have two large kelpie heads that will move to displace water, hilarious for anyone with a fear of horses.

When people talk about the Falkirk wheel they always praise it's iconic structure, how it's the only one of it's kind in the world and so on but I'm curious to know what people who aren't from this area or country think of a big boat wheel. So leave your comments.

Today at the Falkirk wheel was some strange event involving parachuting teddy bears, I'm being serious, here's the link. I wasn't personally at the event but my sister and her husband were. Luckily I have the good news of reporting (thanks to a text from my sisters husband) that there were no decapitations or serious injuries to teddy bears during their jumping, just pride and admiration.

Congratulations to all the brave teddy bears who took part, you're an inspiration to us all. I shall now dedicate this blog entry to those teddy bears fighting overseas who keep us safe from food poisoning, ants and rabbit violence at pic nics.

Saturday 26th September 2009

2009-09-26T20:02:00.011+01:00

OK so today features some pictures, as per normal they're just taken with my phone so they're not going to be the greatest pictures in the world. My sister, her husband and I went for a walk up Alva glen. Alva is a small town/Village located along the foothills of the Ochil Hills, not too far away from Stirling.

After wonder if it was going to rain most of the morning it turned out to be a rather nice day and to my horror a rather warm day. Warm to me of course is probably not warm to most other people. The pictures are in order of when I took them starting from the bottom and walking up the hill. I have more pictures but some are pretty much the same and others are not very good which is the cameras fault for not being able to shake at the same frequency as my hand.

Over in the distance somewhere is Falkirk, Grangemouth and other places.

This is a tree. I believe it's name was William but I wasn't formally introduced.

This is a wee river which flows down where we came up. We mocked it by going uphill, take that gravity. Was a nice wee walk would of been better if I didn't have a cold which reduced my breathing capabilities making me sound like a wheezing old man. Add that to the fact I didn't wear the appropriate attire, I had pondered for a while in the morning which trousers to wear, I choose the bad option it seems, picking my baggy jeans that like to come down my posterior while I'm walking. This is why I usually walk with my hands in my pockets. Yes I could wear a belt but do I really want to? This made the walking harder than it had to be when we reached rocky ground, having to hold your jeans up whilst climbing up or down a small rocky area is not ideal. Thankfully I took off my baggy hooded jumper and left it in the car before we started otherwise I think it'd ended up being drenched in sweat. I did however remember to bring my walking boots which always helps. I think naked hill walking makes sense until you factor in nettles, thistles, gorse bushes, hungry birds and the police.

Ideally once you reach the top you should be able to just roll down the hill like when you were a kid, however I think vertical drops and rocks make this an option for more experienced rolly down the hillers. Which I am not, I haven't rolled down a hill in many the year. I wonder if that's why some girls have bigger busts than others? Like suspension on a mountain bike, air bags in a car or bouncy castles in a prison.

As I mentioned yesterday, it was my last day on my course. The lady in charge asked me to do some typing for her which I was more than happy to do since it makes the time go by faster and helps. I can't believe how many errors were in the notes I had to type, they weren't written by her, these were official published aides to help people like her. I forgot to tell her about the changes I made to correct spelling, correct types of words and correct poor grammar. I'm wondering if I should email to explain things I changed and things I noted that should be changed but I don't want to look like some creepy stalker.

Whilst I was up a hill today Falkirk were playing against Kilmarnock in the SPL. It ended

Falkirk 0 - Kilmarnock 0

Despite only drawing, Falkirk now move off the bottom of the SPL on goal difference thanks to St. Johnstones loss to Dundee Utd. It's still going to be a long season. Six matches played, thirty two to go, so far three draws and three losses.

So last night whilst at my sisters I was playing Need for Speed Shift on the XBox360. It's a driving game and unlike most driving games you get points for either being precise whilst driving or aggressive. Being precise involves, overtaking other cars without contact, keeping to the racing line and other things I didn't really pay attention too. However aggressive driving gives you points for hitting other cars, spinning them and drafting. Needless to say I used aggressive tactics, ramming people of the road, spinning them off and using them as brakes to go round sharp corners.

After some gaming we watched a couple films. One of which was Crank 2 . I haven't seen Crank but the sequel was hilarious. I've no idea how it didn't win an oscar, how can you not enjoy something that involves a man having to run himself against an old lady to keep himself alive with friction.

Going back to games, I've been playing World of Warcraft since it was released and had been enjoying it until the latest expansion. Now Aion has been released and my friend from World of Warcraft started playing it yesterday, he says it's good but I'm a little uncovinced so far. The graphics look great but the characters look rather like feminine humans and I prefer my characters to look more like fantasy characters should be. I think I'll try it soon though just to see what it's like.

Thursday 24th September 2009

2009-09-24T18:53:00.005+01:00

So today I wrote a couple of speculative letters to apply for jobs that aren't advertised. It's apparently common practice but to me it just feels rude. One of the guys who helps there was very helpful with it, after I wrote my first one he came over and checked it and said it was very good which pleased me since it was my first ever. Comparing it to the guy who I talk to on occasion who was sitting next to me mine was like war and peace. You're supposed to write between four and five paragraphs, he wrote that but each of his paragraphs were one sentence long. His first sentence was " Please find enclosed CV." I really do hate sounding so mean especially when someone has taken the time to talk to me which I genuinely appreciate. Although I can't believe he applied to Ann Summers.

After I got home from my clearly exhausting day I fell asleep for a few hours. God I'll miss afternoon naps when / if I get a job. What's better afternoon naps or money and self respect? It's a toughy. In my defence I had a horrible night trying to sleep, everytime I put my head down I started coughing. Today I've been coughing a lot again but now I'm coughing up a lot of those little green chewy bits of phlegm.

Thanks to my afternoon nap wiping out the time I had set aside for lunch it means all I've had to eat so far today is a couple of Trebor Softmints. I'll balance this out with dinner soon consisting of a plate of chips and a whole chicken. Why can't vegetables taste like duck? I'd be healthy then.

Wednesday 23rd September 2009

2009-09-23T21:39:00.007+01:00

Another match and another loss for Falkirk. It was a third round tie in the Co-operative insurance cup aka the "diddy" cup against the holders Celtic. It ended

Falkirk 0 - Celtic 4

I didn't think we'd win but I was hoping maybe we'd give them a decent match. I hope they win soon.

Sooooooo I was at the doctors again this morning, started to get anxious before going in, I always start to panic in the little consulting room once the door is shut. I start to feel nauseous and worry I'll be sick and it'd be so embarrassing, despite the fact I have been sick at the doctors before and blocked up his sink. That was a lovely afternoon.

My mother decided my nerves were fine and chose not to see an oncoming car and pulled out in front of it. I'm not a good passenger, I have an invisible brake I stamp my foot on.

After calming down and lunch I went to Stirling to the royal infirmary to have my heart checked, it has a leak in it or a hole or something along those lines. I try not to listen cause it'll just make me paranoid, not sure why they keep thinking my star sign is cancer, I wish they'd stop writing it on my files. Anyways, I went in, got to sit around for 30minutes cause the doctor was running late. YAY for me, I get 30 minutes to work my anxiety up further woooooooooooooo. Once I finally went in I was greeted by some strange doctor and some other guy who'd be sitting in, I think he said he was some sort of nurse type dude but whatever he was he was kinda creepy. My writing is awful but this doctors handwriting was just scribbles with a fancy pen. All he did was ask me questions then say mmmh huh. Following that I went to get an ECG with some very very short old lady. I didn't exactly like being taken into a dark room and being ordered to strip to the waist, it got worse when she pulled the lube out of the cupboard. Laying half naked on a bench while some old lady attaches pads to your chest then orders you to roll onto your side so she can put her arm over you and rub the probe over your chest is not my idea of fun afternoon.
It got worse when whilst she slowly moved the probe around she softly asked " Is this your first time?" I hope thats not how all ECGs are.

The nightmares will come later, they will come. They always do.

Sunday 20th September 2009

2009-09-20T22:43:00.006+01:00

Unfortunately the place where my sister and her husband were on holiday got flash flooded so they had to cut their holiday short so that means I'm back at home sooner than I had expected. Woke up with a sore throat and a cold too. I hate having a cold, it's just so annoying having to sniff a lot and your nose running every 5 minutes. Added to the fact that nothing tastes the same which is meh. Bad luck continued when I turned my computer on, the monitor keeps going to black, no idea whats wrong. Was working fine recently. Anyways I've swiped my mothers monitor in the mean time.

I just watched the highlights of Manchester Utd V Manchester City, great match to watch and awesome to see a Scotsman scoring goals in a world class side.

It's quite depressing coming home, compared to my sisters it just feels darker here and dreary. It just makes you feel more depressed. It's at least twice the size of my sister house though but her house feels more like a home rather than a day care centre. Oh god I'm going to miss having that shower.

Saturday 19th September 2009

2009-09-19T18:20:00.006+01:00

A mixed day with the weather today. Started off relatively dull and grey, followed by some light rain, then it dried up and now in the early evening it's sunny outside.

Whilst in the rainy phase of the day I went to the shops to get some more food to hopefully last me until my sister and her husband are back from their holiday. Cost me another £27 odd but about £8 of it was on some chicken breasts which will do for two nights dinner. Bought some spring onions and peppers too. I'm not a big fan of vegetables but I normally use a couple of spring onions and 3 colours of peppers when I'm making stir fries With a sauce added to them the chicken and the noodles you can't pick out the vegetables and together it tastes rather nice.

I know a lot of people do jokes about women drivers but after today I can see why. Nothing to do with cars but trolleys. My mother was pushing the trolley and she wasn't watching out for anyone else, wasn't checking both ways before pulling out of an aisle and worst of all she blocked off some aisles and looked one way without turning around to see there were people wanting by her. She wasn't the only one, there were others doing it too. Saturday afternoon is an AWFUL time to try shopping. I think there was only three men in the entire supermarket who weren't employees, the rest were females, slow females. There should be speed limits in supermarkets. I can understand why the wee old ladies take so long, they have to wait till they have their entire body weight behind the trolley to make it move. I wonder what would happen if I waited until they had one foot off the ground ready to inch forward and I gently pushed the trolley back a few inches. Heavily pregnant women are even slower, I feel sorry for their partner / parent / child / sibling who's pushing the trolley for them while she puts one hand on her back and danders around the shop slower than the average brain speed of a ned attempting the Times suduko puzzle. Why can't women learn to shop like men? It's easy. You get your trolley, run towards the aisle then lift your feet off the ground and go weeeeeeeeee until you reach the item you want. Quicker AND more fun. I should point out weeeeeeeeee refers to the noise you make while you fly along and not to the act of urination although that might happen accidentally if your trolley goes out of control in the entertainment aisle, those cheap plasma screens add up to a fair amount. Speaking of bodily fluids I was going to make a remark about spilling water behind pregnant women and then saying their water has broke but hey that's not fun enough.

What you need is to bring an electrochemical cell with you, make sure you can get a power source then go up to the pregnant woman and ask to borrow some water. Now set up the electrochemical cell, attach it to your power then begin electrolysis, moments later you'll have broken the water into oxygen and hydrogen and now you can confidently approach the pregnant woman and tell her that her water has broke, you even have proof.

Falkirk were away to Hamilton today it ended

Hamilton 0 - Falkirk 0

Another point but we're still bottom of the table, a point behind St. Johnstone.

I was doing washing the other day, it was getting dark and the washing was still out. I wasn't sure what to do when the clothes were still damp so had to phone my mother and ask.

Thursday 17th September 2009

2009-09-17T18:54:00.003+01:00

Nice sunny relatively warm day in central Scotland. Slept in today and woke up at 10:05, not great when my course starts at 10am. Had a quick shower, a slow shave since being quick with sharp blades near your throat never sounds like a good idea, no breakfast, quick consumption of medication then a short 10minute walk up to where the course takes place. Got in around 11am. Luckily I redeemed myself with showing some good work on the task she had given me. I know I'm not a computer genius and I get a lot of things wrong but I like to think I can figure stuff out for myself one way or another however it seems bizarre to me that a lot of people don't know basic computer skills. By basic skills I mean, know what caps lock is for. There was a guy beside me who was slowly typing out his CV fully in capital letters. He had to ask me how he gets to the next line, of course being a kind hearted person I showed him the enter button plus some other things. The same guy was on the course with his daughter which was quite surreal to me. I've only heard of take your daughter to work days before, never anything about employment courses.

I don't mean to sound nasty it's just the way I think. I know there's a lot of people out there who can't read or write which I find quite difficult to comprehend especially since the majority of my family enjoy reading. I'm pretty sure my mother has borrowed most of the library. I was trying to imagine something that would be like being illiterate but I kept thinking of being blind although there so much more to enjoy with your eyes than writing. I can't really think of a good comparison with being illiterate. It's something I take for granted and probably most other people do too, it must be hard for people who can't read the paper every morning. Ah I've thought of a good comparison now, it's like being in a foreign country. I guess aliens will also have the same feelings but that sounded mean. Although the aliens might have a babel fish which can allow them to understand other languages, according to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy anyway.

Currently typing this while I cook a pizza so hopefully I'll be finished in 12-20 minutes. Spicy chicken pizza if you're curious. I was putting it in the oven and noticed the cats medication and saw that there were 3 tablets left, I was puzzled for a minute thinking 3 was an odd number to have when it's 10tablets in total, 1 to be taken twice a day = 2 a day. After consulting with a local panda I realised that I hadn't fed the cat yet. Ooooops, I feed my cat Dougie at 4pm and he usually starts reminding me around 12pm and every 2minutes for the next 4 hours (unless he finds a box then he'll go to sleep in it for a while) whereas Keira is rather quiet, well behaved and gets fed at 6pm. Dougie has also figured out how to feed himself however he hasn't quite grasped the concept of quantity yet.

He also doesn't understand the concept of sharing. When he catches mice it's a nightmare trying to make him give them up, just stands there hissing, biting down on the mouse harder and leaving a little trail of blood. As most people are aware there's a credit crunch at the moment thanks to the banks being rather irresponsible. I know there's many reasons to be annoyed with the banks but personally I'm more annoyed with all the resulting tv shows talking about all the fat cat bankers. Dougie kept hearing this and now I can't get on my computer with him spending all day doing online applications to RBS. He doesn't understand they won't accept CVs that are in french.

Falkirk is a weird town, especially during the day it's full of old people everywhere or young mothers. Then after the schools are out or sometimes before you start to get congregations of skater / emo types. There's a skate park near my sisters so there's even more places now for them to pack together. They always seem to stare at me when I walk passed, especially the female ones, not sure if it's paranoia or wishful thinking. They always seem so small too, which I guess makes them look cute but I always feel strange because to me short = younger. This of course is entirely false since my friend Cat is a midget and she's older than me, also I've never met a old lady taller than me but that might be down to osteoporosis. My old laboratory partner at university was only 5ft5 which I thought was tiny and she was really thin so made her look even smaller but apparently 5ft4 is average height for girls. I just find it really hard to tell the age of girls, I probably insult most of them by saying they look 12 or some look in their 40s.

Paranoia or not I do feel looked at, maybe it's because of my height, I'm not a giant, I'm around 6ft4. I think maybe clothing has a part to play in it too. I wear brands like oakley, o'neills,DCs and quicksilver which are more associated with alternative sports rather than the mainstream sports like football. Speaking of football, if you walk around Falkirk you'll see mostly Celtic and Rangers tops being worn. I like these types of clothing because they tend to fit more easily, I know the jeans are meant to be baggy but they fit my leg length unlike Levi jeans. Hate wearing tight trousers, feels so snug and can't fit my iPod in my pocket. I believe I need to dress more my age but what to wear? I hate fashion, I won't be caught seen in skinny jeans. Tracksuits are for playing sport, not for everyday wear in public places, nobody has told the neds that of course. A suit isn't very practical and I'm too embarrassed to wear shirts normally, I hate my upper body. Hate my ass too, need to get a sander to remove the spots.

Argh I'm talking crap again. Going back to the subject of females, I was in my course today and the guy who I sometimes speak to said to me " Wow I have an amazing view" I was like " What?" to which he replied " See the girl in the yellow top there, I can see her bra through it". I'm not the most social person in the world but I'm pretty sure that's supposed to remain in your head and not be said aloud. I don't want to sound rude again but in my opinion looking at wasp stings is not my idea of a good view.

Tuesday 15th September 2009

2009-09-15T20:18:00.006+01:00

Was at the shops today getting food for a few nights meals and was shocked to find it come to over £33. It wasn't anything special and won't last me the whole ten days which sucks.

Just watched Underworld : Rise of the Lycans, one think I've noticed from several vampire tv shows and movies, there's never any fat vampires or ugly female ones. Not that I'm complaining about Kate Beckinsale or Sarah Michelle Gellar. Another thing I've noticed in light of being introduced to the plot line of a film called Twilight, that vampires in everything but that do NOT sparkle. I only found out about the concept of Twilight last Thursday by the guy on my course who was saying how crap it was. There's a lot of information out there describing how bad it is, the only people who actually seem to like it are young girls who want to be the main female character in the film. You shouldn't really criticise something you've never seen however the information on the film/book just sounds awful and unvampire like.

Hearts won tonight in the SPL to leave Falkirk 2 points adrift at the bottom.

Monday 14th September 2009

2009-09-14T19:23:00.005+01:00

At my sisters now. Was wrong about the cat, it doesn't seem to of been attacked, it has bee punctured by a fence or something like that. Really quite sad, she has one of the cones around her neck so she can't lick the stitches but it gets in the way of her food bowl. Speaking of her food, I have to crush a tablet into her meal but she won't eat it so I'll be trying it in milk later. She's really quite a small cat compared to Dougie, she's cute even though she has a black chin which looks like an evil goatee. Would post a picture but I don't have the software here to upload images from my phone.

I thought my sister and her husband were off to Portugal but they're not, they're away up to kingussie again. I was up there with them overnight not long ago to see the wildlife park which is when I took some of the pictures that I've posted before. I think they'll probably go to the wildlife park again since they're near by and they might get to see the tiger cubs easier now that the school holidays are over.

I'll be staying here for around ten days I think. I had thought I'd miss my computer especially World of Warcraft but I think I was playing it out of routine rather than the same enjoyment I used to have. I still like it but don't have the same compulsion that helped the game be titled World of Warcrack by a number of people. However I would like to get my gf to play, trying to hook her on the fluffy creatures aspect and cute Gnomes, tactically omitting the violence involved. Not sure that it's working though.

Not sure the crushing the tablet in the milk worked. The powder, even though as fine as I could crush it still settled as sediment on the bottom of the milk bowl.

That was one bad result of the night, currently waiting for the Falkirk match to finish. Ends

Falkirk 0 - Aberdeen 0

Finally Falkirk have a point. Woooo

Sunday 13th September 2009

2009-09-13T22:35:00.004+01:00

Seems to be a bad news day, some worse than others. The trivial one comes in the form of a two nil win for Hamilton versus Hibs in the SPL which leaves Falkirk the only team without a point at the bottom of the table. They Play Aberdeen tomorrow night, here's hoping that they win too.

The other piece of bad news is my sisters cat has been attacked again, she came home to find it with a puncture wound at the top of the leg. The cat was taken to the emergency vet and got stitches and I think some antibiotics. She's not allowed out now for obvious reasons, it'll be a hard job since she likes going outside but I don't want anything to happen to her while my sister and her husband are away.